Mr Richard Head, also known as Dick, has formed a new political party to fight against Covid-19 lockdowns. “It’s an Englishman’s right to associate with whomsoever and wherever he wishes. My association with Miss Potts of Lavender Cottages was purely…
The USA has completely disappeared. Canada and Mexico awoke today to find no land connecting them. Our correspondent in Tijuana, Sam Brero, says there were reports around the time of the US presidential election of one of the candidates dressed as a…
Our legal correspondent reports from Dublin: Frequent litigant, Pegeen NaSquarehole, is in court again. This time, the alleged offending party is skin specialist Dermot O’Logy. NaSquarehole alleges that when O'Logy saw she had a reddened skin cond…
Security personnel were put on full alert today, when a van pulled up in the vicinity of 10 Downing Street, and there was an attempt to make a mystery delivery. The van driver, Rosie Carr-Buncle, said, “I was red-faced.” Ms Carr-Buncle, red and fu…
Minister for Spiffing Wheezes, Annie Thingwecangetawaywith, has applauded the heartwarming response from the public to her latest initiative (spiffing wheeze). “The Secretary of State convened a special meeting of the Committee for Cylindrical Co…
Leaked government papers suggest that there is a plan in place to ‘shut down’ the north of England. Challenged on this, Minister for Oop Ther, Norbert Allad, said he couldn’t reveal who, but, "We sent him to see if we could fix up an independent trad…
Minister for Clearing It All Up, Baroness Nora Clew, said, ”It’s perfectly simple. If only people would listen, but that’s the trouble, you see. They don’t.” When asked who 'they' were she said, “Don’t talk to me about W.H.O. – the World Health Or…
Modern composer Sam Weirdshit insists, “Lockdown is a gift. I don’t need audiences. Who are these people, anyway? They can’t appreciate my art.” Having failed to gain interest for his re-release of a 1987 track which laid B road traffic sounds ove…
Government health adviser Gerda Funnifeelin says she is concerned about the Government's response to an A&E crisis. “Many ministers don’t appear to able to distinguish their A from their E,” she said. “That is despite taking their 100k, and being…
City of Leicester Traffic Enforcement Officer Hugh Khanparktheresir was transfixed when he found a man bent over and asleep in a city car park. "I was transfixed," he said, "and he wasn’t even in a disabled bay." The sleeper, Ivor Whiterose, said,…
Hosiery enthusiast Damon Bunyon was shocked to find large holes appearing in several newly-acquired pairs of socks. “I was simply thinking of the planet,” said a shocked Bunyon, “by buying bamboo.” The Bamboo Sock Company (Bam!Sock!Co!) has been p…
Police have foiled several hold-up attempts during the virus lockdown. “Robbers were confused,” said Chief Inspector Nickem. “We was confused,” admitted getaway driver Andy Wither-Jumplead. “It’s not fair,” complained Al Cumquietly. “We couldn’t…
Sharp-eyed security officials have begun investigating links to foreign powers in our wildlife parks. Suspicions have fallen particularly on pandas. “They are Chinese, aren’t they?” revealed Lady Flake (Home Office and Gardens). “What are they do…
There were cries of “Cheat! Cheat!” and "Show us your hand signals!" at Prime Minister’s Question Time when the Minister for Wheels & Deals, Ivor Tenspeed, faced allegations of irregularity in the cycling proficiency test for members of the gover…
Following the discovery of register irregularities at Charney Bassett Academy (Science & Space Technology), police have begun an investigation into unexplained student disappearances. Head of Science, Iam Totally-Crackt, shouted, "It was an i…
School heads have reacted furiously to plans to assess A Level candidates by shoe size. “We are being reduced to trainers,” said academy principal Nora Laff. “This government is building a world-class education system,” claimed spokesman Hugh Muss…
‘The way we’re going,’ says Mina N Thynne, MP for Skinny Bottom, ‘the Palace of Westminster is going to slide into the Thames.’ Mrs Thynne, suspended from the House for use of ‘unparliamentary language’, and still refusing to apologise, says, ‘The o…
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