Government plan to shut down the North

Funny story written by Joel Kaye

Monday, 12 October 2020

image for Government plan to shut down the North

Leaked government papers suggest that there is a plan in place to ‘shut down’ the north of England. Challenged on this, Minister for Oop Ther, Norbert Allad, said he couldn’t reveal who, but, "We sent him to see if we could fix up an independent trade deal with Denmark and them others for after Brexit, but his eyesight were bad, he took a wrong turning off the A1, and there we are."

When asked where that was, Mr Allad said, "I can’t reveal, but it’s got turrets and it begins with a B. He doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going.”

And did that mean there was a plan to ‘shut down’ the north? "Well, he didn’t remember to take any tissues with him when he went. So it’s likely…"

Pressed further, Mr Allad asked, "Have you ever seen him sneeze? Snot across the Pennines! Likely infected the lot. Well, who’s going to staff the call centres if they all go sick in the North?"

Mr Allad went on, "The nation’s proud reputation as a centre for service industries would be challenged if workers in the North could not continue to provide vital support, and, incidentally, have you considered equity release, our extra-special reduced premium offer for new insurance customers, with free porcelain-effect miniatures/comfy wide fitting slippers?"

A1 and ‘Eh up’ are not related.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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