School heads have reacted furiously to plans to assess A Level candidates by shoe size.
“We are being reduced to trainers,” said academy principal Nora Laff. “This government is building a world-class education system,” claimed spokesman Hugh Mussby-Jowkin, “while rebooting the British shoe industry at the same time.” When questioned further, he waved a document and said, “I don’t have to stay. I’ve got a note from my mother.”
In another announcement, showing how the government is maintaining its commitment to environmentally friendly practices, it was stated all policy is now being drafted on the backs of used envelopes or cigarette packets.