The USA has completely disappeared. Canada and Mexico awoke today to find no land connecting them. Our correspondent in Tijuana, Sam Brero, says there were reports around the time of the US presidential election of one of the candidates dressed as a super-hero shouting, “I’ll take this country anywhere I damn well like!”, and then a sound not unlike a massive expulsion of bodily gas.
The Canadian prime minister said, “It’ll be quieter,” and then left for a conference behind closed doors. Laughter and cheers were heard from within. The Irish Prime Minister said, “That’s what happens when you don’t respect the little people.” There was gloom in Beijing, however, with the Central Committee saying, “Who we gonna blame now?” The Russian president issued a short statement: “We did not interfere, and I will always have fond memories of grainy black and white tapes of ‘Happy Days’.”
A Scottish government spokesman said, “Och, we’ll have tae start marketing tartan tins of shortbread directly to the Japanese. I know a man in Milngarvie who speaks the language.” The UK government expressed regret, but the owners retracted it: “We are now in uncharted waters, and must not make remarks which might discourage investors.” From Iran a (translated) proclamation read, “The great Stan has fallen,” but, when last seen, Stan was still serving at the bar of the Troll and Hacker.
