Car Park Man Claims Throne

Funny story written by Joel Kaye

Friday, 18 September 2020

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City of Leicester Traffic Enforcement Officer Hugh Khanparktheresir was transfixed when he found a man bent over and asleep in a city car park. "I was transfixed," he said, "and he wasn’t even in a disabled bay."

The sleeper, Ivor Whiterose, said, "I had been pursuing my researches and needed a rest. It’s hard work being a putative monarch round here."

Mr Whiterose, who lays claim to the throne of England, has developed a pronounced stoop (pronounced ‘stoop’) spending so much time bent over ancient records and gravestones to find support for his claim.

"My ancestor was Richard III, Richard of York, but he was done in, and they found him under a car park in Leicester, didn’t they? So I was just following family tradition," said the stooping would-be ruler, with a smile.

"Of course," he said, "there is work to be done. So I must be off to the archways. Don’t you mean archives?" we asked. "Them as well," said Mr Whiterose.

He does not claim to have done any DNA matching with the skeleton of the recently exhumed monarch, known as ‘Crookback’. When asked what first alerted him to the likelihood of having Richard III as an ancestor, the stooping Mr Whiterose confided, “I had a hunch.” He added, “I don’t know why I’m bothering with Leicester. I’m a Yorkist. I should be miles away up the M1.”

Many people in Leicester agree with him.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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