Modern composer Sam Weirdshit insists, “Lockdown is a gift. I don’t need audiences. Who are these people, anyway? They can’t appreciate my art.”
Having failed to gain interest for his re-release of a 1987 track which laid B road traffic sounds over a bed of disco beats with a looped crying doll sound, the composer insists, “I like empty concert halls. That’s the future.”
His wife agrees, saying he often emptied venues even before Covid. “All he’s got to do now is get rid of his ridiculous notion of being anything to do with music. Then he can get back to his proper job.” Mr Weirdshit was formerly an erectile dysfunction and discount funerals consultant.
Chertsey is not a recognised medical condition