Fears of empty supermarket shelves are driving people to find alternative food sources. One suggestion is to go out and find it in the wild. Some call it foraging. But an expert in these matters, wearing a trilby hat and brandishing a pint of Bri…
The Government has issued a statement today saying nothing had been 'going on' and if there was they didn't know about it. The Prime Minister's (latest) spokesman said, 'It wasn't him, and it definitely wasn't me. I've only been in this job twent…
The Cabinet Secretary’s secretary (no relation) has issued a strong warning that in future, before anyone with a funny name is appointed to ministerial position the Cabinet Secretary’s secretary’s secretary (look, it’s all up front, straight up) must…
Outraged Welsh biscuit lover Dai Jestif claims big business is stealing millions through internet biscuit scams. “It was only when the computer started malfunctioning that it occurred to me. You see, every time you go to a site it asks you to acc…
Pleading against a charge of wrongful dismissal, national distribution centre boss, Niall Nash claimed he suffered an unavoidable allergic reaction to the plaintiff, Mr ‘Stumpy’ Foot. “After the accident he wouldn’t even look at me,” complained Mr F…
The common draught excluder is not as innocent as it may seem. Indeed, it could be a sign of dangers to come, said Lord Elpus, yesterday in the Upper House. "We live in troubled times, in which the common sort of person may rise up and seek despe…
Newly ennobled peer Lord Bent has been awarded his title for services to government communications. Beginning in a small way by delivering brown envelopes, he went on to found Bakkanders, liaising between government, civil service and (very) priv…
Despite the recent bitterly cold spell in Ireland, unlike most sensible people, Pegeen Na Squarehole insisted on going out without gloves on, as well as washing her hands in cold water, without applying moisturiser afterwards. As a result of all…
Speaking in the House of Commons, Minister for Special Deals, Phil Offthebakova-Laurie, hailed the signing of a recent trade agreement with Japan as a triumph for exotic fish keepers. “We’ve netted a good one,” he quipped, to cheers from government b…
Environment Minister for Floods, Noah Zark, says, “It’s not building new houses and concreting over everything that creates floods, you know. It’s the rain.” Developers and major builders, worried about a recession in their industry, have urged th…
Nosey neighbour Jess Curious was last seen rising swiftly from the roof of 25 Privet Road, Harshleigh, Sussex. Owner, Nona Yorbizniss, claims that Mr Curious insisted on testing her newly-installed high-speed lift - "Much more swift than your old sta…
Popular presenter of Crass TV’s ‘Warthogs? Wow!’ (TM), Mervyn Sluice has devised some new kit which, he says, no follower of the larger sort of wildlife should be without. “I should know,” says Mervyn. “I’ve been ‘nuzzled’ by some pretty big pachy…
English patriot Cliff Sovdova was disappointed in the Brexit deal. “He heard they were keeping all the pole dancing in Warsaw. Because of the VAT,” said neighbour Britney Ferris. His life-partner Sunny Uplands said he cheered up when she told hi…
Absent-minded pensioner Neil Anconfess claimed in court that his apparently deliberate act of indecent exposure was simply a misunderstanding. “It was all because of the Christmas tree. I was trying to put up decorations and the wife was looking…
British sprout-growers are bullish at the prospect of a no-deal Brexit. “As they’ll be able to get little else in the way of vegetables, what with tariffs and customs hold-ups at the ports, we’re going to be in the money,” said Terry Bull-Greenbu…
Poshton, a Cheshire village in the suburbs of Manchester, is claiming exemption from the conurbation’s Covid Tier 3 status. “We’re not really northern here, you know,” says long-term resident, Lady Bower-Reservoir. “One doesn’t watch ‘Coronation…
Prospective parliamentary candidate for Barnet, Shaw Tearcutt, is applauding the efforts of British hairdressers to fight back against the effects of Covid-19 restrictions. "Indeed," says Mr Tearcutt, "only we enterprising Brits could come up wit…
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