Definitely No Petting

Funny story written by Joel Kaye

Tuesday, 12 January 2021

image for Definitely No Petting
Is that what happened?

Popular presenter of Crass TV’s ‘Warthogs? Wow!’ (TM), Mervyn Sluice has devised some new kit which, he says, no follower of the larger sort of wildlife should be without.

“I should know,” says Mervyn. “I’ve been ‘nuzzled’ by some pretty big pachyderms.” The device is the Sluice Mark 2 Box-and-Truss. When asked what happened to the Mark 1 Mervyn is strangely reticent. “It failed the ‘affectionate rhino’ test,” was all he will say, with a noticeable wince.

“Bollocks,” whispers pert co-presenter ‘Don’t I look good in shorts?’ Carrie-Ann Behindyourback. “He’s talking about his… nuzzling wasn't the half of it,” she explains.

“I have to sit down,” says Mr Sluice, lowering himself carefully into a hollowed-out seat

“He’s been very brave,” says the pert co-presenter, with a smile.

A new project – ‘Walking and Wincing’ – is projected for Crass TV in the spring. Hold on to everything. So to speak.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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