COVID-19 Could Mean Lock-Down for Six More Years

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Saturday, 4 July 2020

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Two Baseball Players Discuss Plans for "COVID-Safe" Batting Practice

WASHINGTON DC - The World Health Organization (WHO) has issued an Urgent Situation Update for the Coronavirus Pandemic.

The top WHO official, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, warned nations that "the worst is yet to come."

Much of the concern came from the possibility that an effective vaccine for COVID-19 may require more than a year to produce.

Journalists asked Tedros to clarify how terrifying the virus had become.

His response was the most alarming public statement since the first cases were discovered in Wuhan, China.

Tedros A. Ghebreyesus (Chief Executive, W.H.O.): "If an enraged horde of crystal-meth addicted mutants were to BUTT-RAPE YOU, and threaten to cut your face off with a chainsaw, then you would be QUITE LUCKY compared to many of the COVID-19 victims who will suffer the next wave of infections."

In US Senate testimony, Dr. Anthony Fauci (Director, Infectious Disease Research) reported spikes in Coronavirus cases, after Social Distancing seemed to create a sustained downward curve. He quickly made the case for the dangers of Viral Outbreak when no vaccine exists.

    "We are already seeing 40,000 new cases per day, which could easily increase to 100,000 new cases per day, and that would rise to 3,096,127 new cases per day, and soon you have 46,500,037 Dead Americans ... if Federal and local governments do not adopt the right strategies."

Although there is no consensus for what constitutes Safe and Responsible Policy to defeat COVID-19, travel restrictions between countries is one regulatory action which has been added to the mandatory face coverings and social distancing. In California, people may not be allowed outside to walk on beaches. An unconfirmed policy in Wuhan, China involves keeping residents chained to factory benches with clear plastic barriers surrounding the workspace. Experts worried that viral mutations may mean that All Humans could face several years of isolation in quarantine in order to get COVID-19 under control.

After President Trump suggested the use of less expensive drugs as therapeutic measures against the Coronavirus, the US Media and Multi-National Drug Corporations immediately condemned any idea which would cost less than $7300 per patient (before hospital fees). Some concerns were:

  • Hydroxychloroquine ($20 dose) may cause eyes to explode in "Blood-Geyser", shattering the skull.
  • Dexamethasone ($35 dose) may cause Spontaneous Human Combustion.
  • Azithromycin ($30 dose) during Full Moon MAY cause extreme growth of fangs, hair, tail, and wolf-like ears.

Doctors admitted conclusive studies had not been completed on COVID-19 and these drugs, but with a year or two and a hundred million dollar research grant, maybe they could accurately define the drug risks and effectiveness.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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