The SPL and Aberdeen

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Thursday, 2 July 2020

image for The SPL and Aberdeen
Wear a mask, you fucks!

With Covid-19 slowing its murderous dance across the world, sports are beginning to start up again, albeit with no spectators. Every sport has been affected in its own unique way: rugby teams, for example, have had to cut down on throwing dwarves around, and pissing in one another's mouths by at least 78%.

However, one SPL football club, Aberdeen, are optimistic that they will have a crowd of "7500" fanatical fans inside Pittodrie by September. However, many SPL chiefs are puzzled by Aberdeen's hopes, stating:

"They didn’t get that many in there before the pandemic - why would they after it?"

Scottish football has long being derided as a weak competition, with little entertainment outside the sectarian violence that parades around before every "Old Firm" game. It was called off due to the pandemic with Celtic being awarded their 200th Scottish league title in the last 400 years, but plans are afoot to start it up again.

Professor Leitch, Scotland’s National Clinical Director, said: "There is absolutely no chance of crowds in August."

Again, this isn't due to the Coronavirus, but the fact that, in August, Scotland will traditionally see up to 12 minutes of sunshine a day. This, to most Scots, is the longest time of the year that the rain will stop, and entire communities are rounded-up onto buses and driven to the beach to dig holes in the sand, or to be shouted-at for not digging said holes.

Not to be put off by the possibility of low turn-outs, Aberdeen allowed their season tickets to go on sale, and record numbers were purchased in the first week, with eight being sold. Granted, most of these were to the players' mums but it's a start.

The good thing about Scottish football's predictability is that, if a second wave strikes before the season starts, the SFA can just award the league to Celtic, and nobody would even bat an eyelid.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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