Due to the pernicious impact of previous outbreaks of Leicester’s cultural heritage, such as Showaddywaddy, Engelbert Humperdinck, and Gary Lineker, the Prime Minister has said: ‘We’ll have a ring of steel round the place in hours. We can’t let any of that happen again.’
Matt Hancock says police will be handed more power, and he’s driving up there today with a bag full of them. ‘I’ll also be swapping their side-handled batons for spongy bommy knockers to meet the requiremnts of the PM's ‘whack-a-mole’ strategy’.
The lockdown is planned to last two weeks, but a government source has said that, if nobody notices, it’s hoped they can secretly keep it going indefinitely.
On hearing this rumour, David Icke, the Leicester-born conspiracy theorist, dismissvely said: ‘I don’t believe there’s a secret plan, I don’t believe in any secret plans. There’s nothing to be concerned about. I grew up here and I turned out alright.’
Some Leicester asylum seekers have been seen up to 24 miles away paddling across Rutland Water. One holiday cottage owner, Brenda O’Lox, said: ‘We hear them at night, chattering on the shore, making the place sound untidy. Why can’t they stay in Leicester with their nondescript East Midland accents?’
Amid concerns the ring of steel is a bit loose, the PM said: ‘I’m personally taking charge of local tightening. If locals don’t do it, I’ll come along and tighten anything that’s loose.’
‘That’s great news,’ said Brenda, an IBS sufferer.