New Wuhan Virus Data from China Surprises Doctors

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Friday, 20 March 2020

image for New Wuhan Virus Data from China Surprises Doctors
Wuhan, China - "Clean, Healthy Environment" in Communist Workers' Utopia

ATLANTA, GA - The US Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is conducting a review of recent information which could dramatically improve treatments for the Chinese Virus, known as COVID-19. Although China has not shared any data such as vital signs, medicines used, patient ages, or pre-existing health conditions, American doctors in Washington, DC believe that the reports from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and their military intelligence may provide the key to saving millions of people.

Loosely translated, the "Ministry of Truth" in Beijing announced greatly-reduced fatalities from the virus (designated as "America-Devil-Plague-9"), and gave credit to Intel Agents in armored vehicles for killing the virus in every factory, home, and office where it was found. While photographs and video seem to have been purged from the Internet, reports indicated that virus infection treatment sometimes included surgical mask-wearing men, armed with AK-47s, dragging people from their homes, and putting them in the back of a large van. Chinese authorities proceeded to deport western journalists, and seize their press credentials.

Jared M (Water Treatment Engineer): "It's amazing how the Chinese never have any health problems. Flint, Michigan residents were exposed to high levels of lead in their water, and the declaration of a state of emergency helped avoid extreme catastrophe. However, the Chinese people seem to enjoy incredibly high quality of life, no matter how many industrial accidents happen. In a major ammonia spill, almost 100 tons of fish died, but citizens between the factory and the river continued their lives as normal. Nitrogen-dioxide and particulate levels are higher than anywhere else on earth, but Chinese families do not worry about lung damage from air pollution. You might think that huge ponds filled with rare-earth refinery tailings would result in illnesses related to mercury, chromium, lead, and arsenic, but the Chinese are very happy living next to dumping zones (according to government studies)."

"Zero CoronaVirus Deaths" - Chinese Miracle Cure?

The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) has provided no medical records, but CCP Propaganda offers high praise for Marxist-Communist medical innovation which has stopped "America-Devil-Plague-9" in its tracks. Doctors and statistical analysts believe a converted hospital may hold the answers. Originally, the quarantine facility had been opened as a hotel with 80 rooms in 2018. The seven-story building might have housed a maximum of 300 guests under typical Western occupancy regulations. However, Chinese efficiency allowed physicians with AK-47s to treat an estimated 2000 patients.

Medical records for the patients at "Xinjia Express" may be difficult to access, because it collapsed on March 7th, leaving a twisted pile of wreckage. No one knows if having five times the safe guest capacity in the structure contributed to the accident. Rescue workers with clubs and cricket bats searched the rubble for survivors, and there were reports of people shouting "I am not dead yet" [translated], followed by "whacking sounds" and screams.

Democrat (Socialist) politicians in the United States applaud the Chinese government's success in treating the CoronaVirus, supporting quarantine techniques where patients would be locked in small rooms "until the health crisis ends." Republicans, on the other hand, dispute the claims from Beijing, because of conflicting reports in Wuhan and an apparent cover-up showing the illness as being identified two months before spreading to countries outside of China.

In spite of their many policy conflicts, American politicians do agree on one thing - the government solution should cost TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS....

Other Historical Reference:

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more