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Funny story: CDC Issues Immediate Halt to Colonoscopies Due to Backdoor Corona Danger

CDC Issues Immediate Halt to Colonoscopies Due to Backdoor Corona Danger

Citing data from Johns Hopkins University, the Center for Disease Control, (CDC) announced the immediate halt to colonoscopies. According to the CDC, there is emerging evidence the notorious Covid-19, aka coronavirus, aka kung flu, is capable of ent…

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Funny story: COVID-18 Cured

COVID-18 Cured

(Atlanta) – The Center for Disease Control, in conjunction with Omega Labs, have announced a cure for COVID-18. The virus that first appeared in 2018 in downtown Omaha, Nebraska and spread all the way to Council Bluffs, Iowa appears to be defeated.

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Funny story: Donald Trump Hires Plumber To Replace Dr Fauchi

Donald Trump Hires Plumber To Replace Dr Fauchi

Donald Trump has moved to replace Dr Fauci with White House Assistant Plumber, John Smith. "John is a great guy, we get along very well, and we have a great understanding when we talk," said Trump John Smith, a deaf mute from Poughkeepsee, New…

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Funny story: New Corona Symptom: Severe Hunger For Bats?

New Corona Symptom: Severe Hunger For Bats?

Atlanta, GA - On Tuesday, scientists at the CDC announced an array of new symptoms that may occur during a COVID-19 infection. The researchers warned that a runny nose, sore throat and congestion are being added to the list of misery that comes wi…

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Funny story: COVID-19 Could Mean Lock-Down for Six More Years

COVID-19 Could Mean Lock-Down for Six More Years

WASHINGTON DC - The World Health Organization (WHO) has issued an Urgent Situation Update for the Coronavirus Pandemic. The top WHO official, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, warned nations that "the worst is yet to come." Much of the concern came…

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Funny story: Latest from the CDC: COVID-19 is an STD

Latest from the CDC: COVID-19 is an STD

As mentioned in my last post, the Coronavirus Detectives Club (CDC) is now telling us that COVID-19 is an STD. Spokesperson David Shlong explained that an STD is any disease that can be contracted during sex, and STD's can basically be b...

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Funny story: Zombie Preparedness and a Defense of the CDC’s COVID-19 Response

Zombie Preparedness and a Defense of the CDC’s COVID-19 Response

The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has not performed very well during the pandemic. Early on, for example, we were told that masks did no good. Who knows how many lives this cost? Then we were told that masks, even ones constructed out of clot...

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Funny story: CDC Joins Forces With Mosquito Joe for Targeted Virus Control

CDC Joins Forces With Mosquito Joe for Targeted Virus Control

As a number of states begin to loosen up their COVID-19 lockdowns, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with extermination service Mosquito Joe to help people rid their backyards of the coronavirus and other pests that could p...

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Funny story: CDC Explains that Flattened Curve Has Become Line Extending into Infinity Meaning Lockdown Can Never End

CDC Explains that Flattened Curve Has Become Line Extending into Infinity Meaning Lockdown Can Never End

Based on consultations with mathematical experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has determined that the successful “flattening of the curve” of coronavirus infections has resulted in a line extending into infinity, meaning that the C…

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Funny story: CDC Partners with Bayer AG to Disinfect the Woods

CDC Partners with Bayer AG to Disinfect the Woods

Cognizant that months of sheltering in place will have made people especially vulnerable to bacterial hazards, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with Bayer AG, which acquired what used to be Monsanto in June of 2018, to dis...

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Funny story: CDC Reports Social Distancing Is Working! People Feeling More Distant than Ever

CDC Reports Social Distancing Is Working! People Feeling More Distant than Ever

Weeks into the COVID-19 lockdown, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouragingly reported that social distancing is working - as evidenced by the fact that people are feeling more distant than ever. “I’ve felt disconnected from frien...

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Funny story: Paper or Cloth are not Substitutes for Condoms

Paper or Cloth are not Substitutes for Condoms

The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has informed Americans that covering one’s face with a mask constructed from cloth, paper towels, or even toilet paper is acceptable, if one is in a position where one’s nose and mouth should be covered and a me...

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Funny story: CDC Encourages Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pandemic, Which Will Likely Be More Like Leprosy

CDC Encourages Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pandemic, Which Will Likely Be More Like Leprosy

Congratulating Americans on their response to the deadly worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouraged people that they'll be able to apply the lessons they’re learning from coronavirus in the next pandemic, w...

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Funny story: CDC Warns that Coronavirus May Linger on Petals So Don’t Stop and Smell the Roses

CDC Warns that Coronavirus May Linger on Petals So Don’t Stop and Smell the Roses

Cautioning that the novel coronavirus can linger on surfaces like flower petals for up to 17 hours, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people not to stop and smell the roses, even though they could die at any moment from COVID-19.

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Funny story: CDC Says Despite Rumors, Mimes Not Safe From Coronavirus Behind Invisible Glass

CDC Says Despite Rumors, Mimes Not Safe From Coronavirus Behind Invisible Glass

Washington D.C. - The CDC made an announcement today that rocked the world of street-performing mimes and silenced a rumor that has permeated their culture. "We have inarguable proof," said Fredrick Paulson, 43, a spokesperson for the Center For D...

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Funny story: Coronavirus Pandemic May Be Cut Short Due to Americans’ Short Attention Span

Coronavirus Pandemic May Be Cut Short Due to Americans’ Short Attention Span

Unlike in countries like Italy and China, where the coronavirus pandemic sustained national focus for months, in the United States, the COVID-19 epidemic may be cut short due to Americans’ notoriously short attention span. “I was really into it fo...

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Funny story: CDC Begins Planning Sequel to COVID-19

CDC Begins Planning Sequel to COVID-19

“It’s not often we manage to capture the public's attention the way we did with COVID-19,” said Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Robert Redfield, M.D. “We want to capitalize on that momentum with a follow-up that really does justic...

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