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Funny satire stories about CDC

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Funny story: Fauci says "at least 55% of people are ok" after getting the COVID vaccine

Fauci says "at least 55% of people are ok" after getting the COVID vaccine

Dr. Anthony Fauci was indignant today at a noon press conference called to address multiple published reports mentioning complications, nasty side effects and even deaths caused by the COVID vaccine. After being asked by reporters if the reports w…

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Funny story: Dr Fauci arrested for spitting, spreading germs at mall while wearing clown makeup

Dr Fauci arrested for spitting, spreading germs at mall while wearing clown makeup

At 9:23 PM last night Elizabeth Township Police were called to The Mills at Jersey Gardens Mall responding to reports of a small angry man wearing clown makeup “spitting on people and common surfaces” indiscriminately. Police apprehended the man…

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Funny story: CDC updates COVID-19 guidelines for glory holes

CDC updates COVID-19 guidelines for glory holes

The United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today new COVID-19 guidelines for managers, employees and patrons of glory holes. The new measures permit fully-vaccinated patrons to go maskless at a glory hole, and also spe…

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Funny story: Anti-Masking Protest ends badly: 36 vehicles damaged

Anti-Masking Protest ends badly: 36 vehicles damaged

Tragedy struck today at an anti-mask protest in downtown Springfield, MA. Over 600 people attended the rally at City Hall Plaza on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Protesters were whipped into a frenzy by a rousing speech delivered by activist le…

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Funny story: CDC Announces Fully Vaccinated People with Low COVID Risk Will Have Limited Freedom of Peaceable Assembly

CDC Announces Fully Vaccinated People with Low COVID Risk Will Have Limited Freedom of Peaceable Assembly

Constitutional rights are no longer completely off the map in the United States, Dr. Randi Wallace of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently announced; fully vaccinated people at low risk of death from COVID-19 may now gather in very…

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Funny story: CDC Issues Immediate Halt to Colonoscopies Due to Backdoor Corona Danger

CDC Issues Immediate Halt to Colonoscopies Due to Backdoor Corona Danger

Citing data from Johns Hopkins University, the Center for Disease Control, (CDC) announced the immediate halt to colonoscopies. According to the CDC, there is emerging evidence the notorious Covid-19, aka coronavirus, aka kung flu, is capable of ent…

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Funny story: COVID-18 Cured

COVID-18 Cured

(Atlanta) – The Center for Disease Control, in conjunction with Omega Labs, have announced a cure for COVID-18. The virus that first appeared in 2018 in downtown Omaha, Nebraska and spread all the way to Council Bluffs, Iowa appears to be defeated.

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Funny story: Donald Trump Hires Plumber To Replace Dr Fauchi

Donald Trump Hires Plumber To Replace Dr Fauchi

Donald Trump has moved to replace Dr Fauci with White House Assistant Plumber, John Smith. "John is a great guy, we get along very well, and we have a great understanding when we talk," said Trump John Smith, a deaf mute from Poughkeepsee, New…

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Funny story: New Corona Symptom: Severe Hunger For Bats?

New Corona Symptom: Severe Hunger For Bats?

Atlanta, GA - On Tuesday, scientists at the CDC announced an array of new symptoms that may occur during a COVID-19 infection. The researchers warned that a runny nose, sore throat and congestion are being added to the list of misery that comes wi…

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Funny story: COVID-19 Could Mean Lock-Down for Six More Years

COVID-19 Could Mean Lock-Down for Six More Years

WASHINGTON DC - The World Health Organization (WHO) has issued an Urgent Situation Update for the Coronavirus Pandemic. The top WHO official, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, warned nations that "the worst is yet to come." Much of the concern came…

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Funny story: Latest from the CDC: COVID-19 is an STD

Latest from the CDC: COVID-19 is an STD

As mentioned in my last post, the Coronavirus Detectives Club (CDC) is now telling us that COVID-19 is an STD. Spokesperson David Shlong explained that an STD is any disease that can be contracted during sex, and STD's can basically be b...

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Funny story: Zombie Preparedness and a Defense of the CDC’s COVID-19 Response

Zombie Preparedness and a Defense of the CDC’s COVID-19 Response

The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has not performed very well during the pandemic. Early on, for example, we were told that masks did no good. Who knows how many lives this cost? Then we were told that masks, even ones constructed out of clot...

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Funny story: CDC Joins Forces With Mosquito Joe for Targeted Virus Control

CDC Joins Forces With Mosquito Joe for Targeted Virus Control

As a number of states begin to loosen up their COVID-19 lockdowns, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with extermination service Mosquito Joe to help people rid their backyards of the coronavirus and other pests that could p...

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Funny story: CDC Explains that Flattened Curve Has Become Line Extending into Infinity Meaning Lockdown Can Never End

CDC Explains that Flattened Curve Has Become Line Extending into Infinity Meaning Lockdown Can Never End

Based on consultations with mathematical experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has determined that the successful “flattening of the curve” of coronavirus infections has resulted in a line extending into infinity, meaning that the C…

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Funny story: CDC Partners with Bayer AG to Disinfect the Woods

CDC Partners with Bayer AG to Disinfect the Woods

Cognizant that months of sheltering in place will have made people especially vulnerable to bacterial hazards, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with Bayer AG, which acquired what used to be Monsanto in June of 2018, to dis...

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Funny story: CDC Reports Social Distancing Is Working! People Feeling More Distant than Ever

CDC Reports Social Distancing Is Working! People Feeling More Distant than Ever

Weeks into the COVID-19 lockdown, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouragingly reported that social distancing is working - as evidenced by the fact that people are feeling more distant than ever. “I’ve felt disconnected from frien...

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Funny story: Paper or Cloth are not Substitutes for Condoms

Paper or Cloth are not Substitutes for Condoms

The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has informed Americans that covering one’s face with a mask constructed from cloth, paper towels, or even toilet paper is acceptable, if one is in a position where one’s nose and mouth should be covered and a me...

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