CHICAGO - (Satire News) - The United States Center For Disease Maladies has just issued a statement regarding the sneeze-inducing Corn Husk Flu. The flu which originated in the corn fields of Iowa, has now crossed the state line and is causing hor…
I can no longer use it to hide that I have forgotten to shave this morning. It will no longer cover up my smirk at someone’s stupid comment. The extra warmth it gives my jaw on those below freezing days. It will no longer cover up my bad br…
The Center For Disease Control is said to be preparing a national campaign that suggests taking any available Covid-19 vaccine could help cure male pattern baldness and add length to the male organ. The hope is that just the possibility that could ha…
Dr. Anthony Fauci was indignant today at a noon press conference called to address multiple published reports mentioning complications, nasty side effects and even deaths caused by the COVID vaccine. After being asked by reporters if the reports w…
At 9:23 PM last night Elizabeth Township Police were called to The Mills at Jersey Gardens Mall responding to reports of a small angry man wearing clown makeup “spitting on people and common surfaces” indiscriminately. Police apprehended the man…
The United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today new COVID-19 guidelines for managers, employees and patrons of glory holes. The new measures permit fully-vaccinated patrons to go maskless at a glory hole, and also spe…
Tragedy struck today at an anti-mask protest in downtown Springfield, MA. Over 600 people attended the rally at City Hall Plaza on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Protesters were whipped into a frenzy by a rousing speech delivered by activist le…
Constitutional rights are no longer completely off the map in the United States, Dr. Randi Wallace of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently announced; fully vaccinated people at low risk of death from COVID-19 may now gather in very…
Citing data from Johns Hopkins University, the Center for Disease Control, (CDC) announced the immediate halt to colonoscopies. According to the CDC, there is emerging evidence the notorious Covid-19, aka coronavirus, aka kung flu, is capable of ent…
(Atlanta) – The Center for Disease Control, in conjunction with Omega Labs, have announced a cure for COVID-18. The virus that first appeared in 2018 in downtown Omaha, Nebraska and spread all the way to Council Bluffs, Iowa appears to be defeated.
Donald Trump has moved to replace Dr Fauci with White House Assistant Plumber, John Smith. "John is a great guy, we get along very well, and we have a great understanding when we talk," said Trump John Smith, a deaf mute from Poughkeepsee, New…
Atlanta, GA - On Tuesday, scientists at the CDC announced an array of new symptoms that may occur during a COVID-19 infection. The researchers warned that a runny nose, sore throat and congestion are being added to the list of misery that comes wi…
WASHINGTON DC - The World Health Organization (WHO) has issued an Urgent Situation Update for the Coronavirus Pandemic. The top WHO official, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, warned nations that "the worst is yet to come." Much of the concern came…
As mentioned in my last post, the Coronavirus Detectives Club (CDC) is now telling us that COVID-19 is an STD. Spokesperson David Shlong explained that an STD is any disease that can be contracted during sex, and STD's can basically be b...
The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has not performed very well during the pandemic. Early on, for example, we were told that masks did no good. Who knows how many lives this cost? Then we were told that masks, even ones constructed out of clot...
As a number of states begin to loosen up their COVID-19 lockdowns, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with extermination service Mosquito Joe to help people rid their backyards of the coronavirus and other pests that could p...
Based on consultations with mathematical experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has determined that the successful “flattening of the curve” of coronavirus infections has resulted in a line extending into infinity, meaning that the C…
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