CDC Warning to Men with Trophy Wives

Funny story written by Charles Havers

Thursday, 2 July 2020

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Life is not uncomplicated for old men with trophy wives. Such wives are expensive to maintain and can be hard to keep up with. Furthermore, the husband, from time to time, naturally asks himself whether his wife loves him, is faithful, and so on. Things, however, have gotten much more difficult in recent months.

The CDC has issued a warning to all men (1) whose wife or significant other is more than seven years younger than they are and (2) whose wife or significant other stands to inherit a meaningful amount of cash or other assets upon their death. According to the CDC, such men have a statistically significantly greater chance of dying from the coronavirus than other men of a similar age and health status. The CDC recommends that such men wear a mask and maintain social distancing even in their homes.

That is quite a mouthful, but CDC spokesperson David Shlong explained.

"Women are less likely to die from COVID-19 than men. Younger people are less likely to die from Covid-19 than older people. Healthy individuals are less likely to die than people with pre-existing health issues. Put all this together, and a younger wife who wants to do away with her old husband who has an issue or two—and they all do— can do whatever it takes to catch COVID 19 and then pass it on to her husband. The odds are, that she’ll be asymptomatic or maybe mildly ill, while her poor husband wastes away."

When asked if this has actually happened, Shlong responded:

"Of course, if someone commits the perfect murder, you can’t prove that they did it. What we do have, is some preliminary statistically significant evidence that shows that wealthy individuals with significantly younger significant others are more likely to die than similarly-situated men without significantly younger significant others."

Shlong went on:

"Believe me," he added. "Women have figured this out, and the CDC is warning all men with younger wives who might be tired of dealing with them to be careful."

I was trying to figure out how the CDC became interested in the topic, and had just a few questions for Shlong.

"Was this study ordered by President Trump?"

"No, sir. It was ordered by Dr. Fauci."

"How old is Dr. Fauci?"

"He’s 79,” replied Shlong.

"And his wife?"

"Christine Grady."

"How old is Ms. Grady?"

"She’s in her 60s. Why do you ask?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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