Isreal says it is concerned about civilians in Gaza
They have enlisted Jewish trader Bernie Maddof, to run an investment fund for the future needs of Palestine. We are confident that Bernie will get them on track to financial freedom.
written by disciple, 09 January 2009
Antacid Sales Rise
The FDA reports that the sale of Rolaids and Tums have increased in Washington DC, Texas, Arkansas, Illinois, Maine and Georgia following the White House presidential luncheon.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 January 2009
Tonight's TV Highlights
ITV 9.30pm: Celebrity Dog Fighting. Noel Edmond's Pitbull vs Bruce Forsyth's Staffy.
BBC1 11.00pm: Strictly Come Dancing on Drugs Semi-Finalists flail wildly after smoking crack
Men with mullets for me to punch.
Please apply to J. Prescott
Michael Winner masturbating into the Thames off Blackfriar's Bridge; Harriot Harman shitting on a tramp in Vauxhall; Chris Tarrant taking drugs in Kings Cross.
Blagojevich Replaces Obama's Senate Seat With Old-Fashioned Barber's Chair
This virtually guarantees that, no matter who ends up occupying the Senate seat, they will look as stylish as Blagojevich himself.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 January 2009
Even Matchbox Toy Car Sales Are Down!
Sales of Mattel's Matchbox Toy Cars has greatly decreased. The company's CEO has requested to receive a portion of the Federal bailout money that was alloted to the three major auto companies.
President Bush Needs A Job
U.S. unemployment has just hit a 16 year high. When asked to comment, President Bush replied, "Hey, I feel for 'em...heck I myself will be losing my job in about two weeks."
Chrysler's New and Unique Sales Promotion
Chrysler reeling from the worst sales in history announces it's new sales promotion. Next week they will unveil their rather unique, "Buy a Chrysler car or truck and get a house...Free!" promotion.
The Very Important Governor Sarah "Snowflake" Palin
Sarah Palin is complaining she was exploited by Katie Couric and Tina Fey. When asked about the arrest of her grandson's 'other' grandmother, Palin replied, "She is not important, I'm important!"
NASA's Land Rover Recalled
NASA officials announce that their land rover "Spirit" which landed on Mars five years ago has been recalled by the manufacturer. It appears that there may be a slight problem with the left blinker.
The Rock & Roll Report
Australian researchers have determined that head banging at rock concerts can be bad for one's health. This is the same group that last year reported rattlesnake bites can lead to immediate stress.
Farm Gal Frisky Again
After six month's recovery, farm family say 19-year-old well-built daughter now doing fine, after tornado rips through bodice factory last summer.
Vets Gone Wild!
Police say yesterday's Veterinarian Riot apparently began after a drinking party where a huge Vet pulled a stripper out of a fake cow's ass on stage.
Toby The Clown Dead
Toby the Clown has died. Officials at Florida's winter home for Ringling Brothers/Barnum & Bailey Circus say that after the service, Toby will be buried with his other clown friends on Big Shoe Hill.
Maybe Cow Can Rest In Peace Now
The FBI reports that new DNA evidence completely clears Mrs. O'Leary's cow of knocking over lantern and starting the Great Chicago Fire!
Al-Qaeda #74 Bites The Biggun
Pentagon reports that the death of al-Qaeda #74 was due to a deadly combination of a suddenly surprised rattlesnake plus strategically placed banana peel.
Staffers May Need Shots
New congressional staffers encouraged to get immunized against Hepatitis and Mulletoma before business trips that included any NASCAR races this year.
A badly ailing Elizabeth Taylor told Diane Sawyer on "ABC's Good Morning, America" that the big rabbit behind her, Harvey, had proposed to her and that she was fairly sure he would become husband #9.
Barack Obama, after meeting with the other presidents earlier this week about the economy, told ABC this morning that now he knows how the four horsemen of the apocalypse appeared to St. John.
BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.
Puss in Boots?
Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.
Kiev : minus 7 Celsius
Russia revises its 'Hell can freeze over' stance towards supplying gas to the Ukraine after Kiev froze over. It now states it can get a lot colder or Kiev pays its outstanding mega-bucks gas bill.
Bank of Sockland
As the Bank of England cuts public banking interest rates to the lowest point in its 315 year history, people are withdrawing their savings and keeping them under the bed in a sock where they're safe.
Ice Age kicks in?
The current January deep freeze has got Global Warming nuts squawking like there's no tomorrow. They now claim our atmospheric CO2 discharge cutbacks have gone too far and kicked off another Ice Age.
That magic ingredient?
A man sat in a car in a Newcastle, NSW lay-by was approached by police and caught masturbating with his erect member stuck into a jar of spaghetti sauce. So that's the secret Italian ingredient. Ugh!
If the Bank Of England has cut interest rates to 1.5% why are credit card companies still charging us 26% interest on our monthly billings?
Global Warming Licked?
January's cold snap in the UK, with water pipes iced up and pensioners frozen to their armchairs, has proved a boon for the Greenhouse Effect Doomsayers who now state we've beaten Global Warming.
Housing Prices Crash
Property agents around London are reporting that two-bedroom cardboard boxes under Blackfriars Bridge (a sought-after accommodation area) are now going for as little as £280,000.
2 Venomous mammals caught on camera
The Hispaniolan Solenodon which resembles an overgrown shrew; can inject passing prey with a venom-loaded bite. The other was David Blunnkett MP - fingers crossed, they don't breed!
written by IN SEINE, 09 January 2009
Ronaldo Crashes His New Car
Cristiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United winger and World Player of the Year walked away from a total write off of his £150,000, brand new Ferrari. Passers by were heard to laugh uproariously.
written by IainB, 09 January 2009
Lisa Bonet Loves "M's," "N's," and "A's"
Actress Lisa Bonet gave birth to a son. They named him Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. But she says they'll call him Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha for short.
Great Depression of O O cause found
Anticipation of honesty has thrown monkey wrenches into the system, triggering Ponzi scheme collapse; fear of honest scientific evaluation of product safety, collapse of aspartame futures.
Science at the FDA alive and kicking
But it is only kicking the honest scientists in the aspartame.
Drug industry fears true science at FDA
Concerns have been raised that serious scientific investigation of aspartame may slow the poisoning of the entire world. Clearly this could result in excess population explosion.
Nine whining FDA scientists tortured
They were found stuffed with aspartame and fluoride, their minds gone and their scientific objections quashed by a nation not of law, nor of men, but of monsters.