Consumer Confidence At All-Time Low
Consumer confidence has hit an all-time low despite the changes in Washington. After this peanut thing, Americans say they have no confidence whether the meal they're eating will be their last or not.
FEMA Prepared For Inaugural In DC
FEMA announced this morning that they are well prepared should any natural disaster happen in Washington during the Obama Inaugural. "We expect close to two million people", stated Dalate Buckshort.
Former President George W. Bush placed a call to President Obama Friday telling him not to worry about the flubbed oath.
"I was called a Flubbed Oaf for my whole eight years."
Stripper Doing A Little Side Business
Local stripper making a lot of extra money on the side by secretly filming bachelor parties and selling the film to the highest bidder, giving first chance to the new groom and bride's mother.
Congo's Low-Carbon Footprints
A spokesman for the Congo has announced that they are doing some amazing experimentation with the idea of using grapevines as a means of alternative "low-carbon footprint" transportation.
Another Book Dedication
Friday saw the one-thousandth unpublished author dedicate his new book to "That beautiful, all-loving, goddess-like Oprah Winfrey."
Bum Gets Free Gifts
Alcoholic bum who found CIA notes on al-Qaeda in a trash can, has been given a reward of $10,000 and a totally free frontal lobotomy.
Undercover Cop Really Undercover
A police Captain in Trenton, New Jersey has announced that one of their undercover cops has been located six feet under,
with horses head.
New Parents Name Baby
In the local news, new parents in Sally, Mississippi, have named their new baby boy, Daddy Junior.
In show of defiance, a lone Arkansas consumer stands in front of long line of WalMart trucks.
Red Sports Car, Penis Size
A new study shows that little red sports cars actually do indicate the driver's penis size, color.
Housekeeping Has High Praise for Obama's Honesty
At an economic meeting, Congressional Housekeeping asked Obama to "do his part" and tidy up around the podium at which he spoke, under which they had placed a $100 bill. They are elated at its return.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 January 2009