There were 890 spoof news snippets published in January 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Flynt, Francis request injection of federal money
With the American economy gone limp, sex drive in the United States has also decreased. Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have requested $5 billion to supplement flaccid DVD sales.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
Writing on Wall for M & S
Finance gurus claim they saw the writing on the wall for Marks & Spencer belt-tightening the day when they started charging 5 pence for a previously free carrier bag to carry their overpriced tat.
BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.
Two Jags warned by Doctors
Porcine Labour MP for Kingston-on Pies, John 'Two Shags' Prescott, who was recently told by doctors to lose four stones of belly fat or die, today lost four stones.
Puss in Boots?
Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.
Dolls Hit Top Xmas Toys for 2008
The hit list of top toys for Christmas 2008 were the Barbie and Ken Bondage set followed a close second by the Mrs. Beasley's Abortion Clinic.
Ice Age kicks in?
The current January deep freeze has got Global Warming nuts squawking like there's no tomorrow. They now claim our atmospheric CO2 discharge cutbacks have gone too far and kicked off another Ice Age.
Bank of Sockland
As the Bank of England cuts public banking interest rates to the lowest point in its 315 year history, people are withdrawing their savings and keeping them under the bed in a sock where they're safe.
"We were using rectal thermometers"
Right-wing media figures apologize for misleading reports on falseness of global warming. They say rectal thermometers used to compile data led to mistaken assessments.
Bush holding Republican yard sale
To raise revenue and offset record deficits, Bush will sell items including his Dr. Seuss collection, Schwartzeneggar action figures, and a slinky that's been down every staircase in the White House.
Mickey D's introduces the "Mad Mac"
Not to be outdone, Mickey D's introduces a cheesed-off cheeseburger featuring livid lettuce, pissed-off peppers, provoked pickles, outraged onions. Available with furious french fries and cross cola.
Proposed name for new brand of adhesive bandages marketed towards Palestinians injured by heavy Israeli fire.
"Big 3" execs eagerly awaiting W-2's
CEO's and top-level managers short on cash are hoping to e-file returns and have them direct deposited as soon as the documents arrive.
Al Franken wins by a hair
...because he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, barely more than half of Minnesota's voters like him more than Norm Coleman.
Global Warming "Nuts" Respond to U.K. Deep Freeze Snippet
Massive amounts of fresh water from melting glaciers flowing into the Atlantic, being less dense than saltwater, have begun to interfere with the Atlantic Conveyer. We hate to say we told you so.
"Stock Car" being developed
Several Wall Street brokers have invested in research and development of a automobile that will be powered solely by wild fluctuations in the stock market.
New Reality Series - "American Idle"
The latest in a long line of reality TV shows, this one will focus on the struggles of 20 contestants to evade weekly elimination rounds as they compete for a job.
Superbowl Ads Not So Super This Year
Ads will reflect "somber mood" of America caused by economic decline. Commercials featuring anti-depressant medications expected to be big hits.
Norm Coleman orders 300 copies of "Counting for Dummies"
He will distribute the books from the popular series to Minnesotan vote counters when he contests results from the senatorial recount and demands yet another.
Bush Snubbed In Lunchroom
At 1st meeting of presidents since 1981, Bush not allowed to sit at lunch table with "popular kids" Clinton, Bush Sr., Carter and President-elect Obama because his approval ratings were too low.
Extra Protection for Barack Obama
With politicians that possess integrity having recently been added to the "endangered species" list, President-elect Obama will be afforded the highest level security of any President in U.S. history.
Shrodinger's Cat Up For Adoption
Physicists have decided to give up their feline friend, who's behavior is "unpredictable." They hope they can find one of the many worlds in which he might be happier.
Obama names Miley Cyrus Secretary of War
The perky teen sensation will soon have everyone far too busy dancing, singing and "rocking out" to busy themselves with waging war. Like, how cool is that?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 January 2009
That magic ingredient?
A man sat in a car in a Newcastle, NSW lay-by was approached by police and caught masturbating with his erect member stuck into a jar of spaghetti sauce. So that's the secret Italian ingredient. Ugh!
Kiev : minus 7 Celsius
Russia revises its 'Hell can freeze over' stance towards supplying gas to the Ukraine after Kiev froze over. It now states it can get a lot colder or Kiev pays its outstanding mega-bucks gas bill.
Blagojevich Replaces Obama's Senate Seat With Old-Fashioned Barber's Chair
This virtually guarantees that, no matter who ends up occupying the Senate seat, they will look as stylish as Blagojevich himself.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 January 2009
A Solemn Vow...
Hoping to atone for past mistakes, President Bush promised upon the arrival of 2009 "to make this upcoming 9th and final year of my administration really count for something."
A Little Off the Sides
After Barack Obama pledged to "keep his nose to the grindstone" to get America back on track, an advisor suggested perhaps he should keep his ears to the grindstone instead.
"Survivorman" Brutally Gored
Les Stroud, star of the The Discovery Channel's popular Survivorman series attacked and seriously mauled by a black bear annoyed with Strould's harmonica playing on an otherwise peaceful night.
Chinese Panda Mauls Zoo Visitor
An obvious mistake on the part of the giant bear, who thought the man was eating panda for lunch. It was actually Panda Express takeout.
D.C. hotel rooms too expensive for Barack Obama Inauguration
Even Warren Buffett decided to book a room at the Super 6 Motel, saying their $125,000 price tag was "the most reasonable deal" he could find.
Israel bombs Red Cross in Gaza
Many believe the bombing was motivated by Red Cross' recent condemnation of Israel for bombing innocent Palestinian civilians, women and children.
Ted Haggard "Comes Clean"
The dethroned evangelical icon appeared on Oprah Winfrey's show yesterday, telling her, "Yes, I smoked cock. But I didn't inhale."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2009
Bush Signs Cookbook Deal
Tentatively titled Recipes for Disaster, the book will include many of Dubya's favorite culinary concoctions, including Subprime Rib, Freddie Macaroni, Mexican Border Tacos and Iraqi Freedom Lemonade.
Bush Planning Coke Party
Rumors circulating that Bush's post-presidential plans include inhaling longs lines of the white substance. Said Bush, still obviously in the Christmas spirit, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"
Israel Runs Out of Ammunition
Though Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has announced a unilateral ceasefire to begin Sunday, this is attributed to relentless assaults on Gaza having completely exhausted their ammunition supplies.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 January 2009
Hero Pilot Never Really Liked Birds
Traumatized by a flock of birds as a child, pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger is reported to have actually steered the plane into the flock of birds, causing the accident.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 January 2009
Fat-Ass Sheriff gets taste of own medicine
Ordered to spend a day in jail for feeding inmates "woefully insufficient" meals, XXL Alabama Sheriff Greg Bartlett immediately shed 4 pounds and got sick from eating undercooked chicken.
Man Attacked by Cougar
Josh Westin, 23, in stable condition after being practically mauled in The Jungle. He claims he had seen her before the attack, as they are both regular patrons of this same bar.
High School Cocaine Use Up
Drug use has declined in recent years, except for cocaine use among white high school students. Many now ponder link to high incidence of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder among same group.
NASA Considers "Mars Rover Robot War"
As they have been exploring the same desert for 5 years now, NASA ponders having the rovers battle it out on Mars. Ratings would be huge, generating massive amounts of revenue for the strapped agency.
Robin Leach to Cover Obama Inauguration
Star of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" will be in Washington D.C. for the event, with the scoop on $25,000 a night establishments like Motel 8, Super 6, Holiday, Quality and Worst Western Inns.
Housekeeping Has High Praise for Obama's Honesty
At an economic meeting, Congressional Housekeeping asked Obama to "do his part" and tidy up around the podium at which he spoke, under which they had placed a $100 bill. They are elated at its return.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 January 2009
New Star Discovered
To be named Sarah Palinus Major after the governor of Alaska, who's star power was also recently discovered. It's hydrogen supply nearly exhausted, it's thought to be near the end of it's life cycle.
Strictly Come Boxing
The New Year's Robin Reid vs Jesse Brinkley fight followed the seasonal theme of Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men and will go down in kiss and make-up history as Strictly Come Boxing.
Gaza Gangster Conundrum.
The Palestinians are reportedly in dire straights as no food or medical aid is reaching them, but they seem to maintain an inexhaustible supply of rockets and mortar rounds to fire off into Israel?
Senate Republicans expected to snub America
Republican Senators likely to vote against bill that spends $544 billion on America, although they were in favor of spending twice that on a Democratic stimulus package for Iraq.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 January 2009
"Like Apples and Oranges"
Minnesota divided in battle for Official State Fruit. Apples win by 1 vote. Reuben Naranja seeks court-ordered recount; claims votes in Johnny Appleseed's district counted twice.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 January 2009
Peace not pieces
Palestinians in Gaza petition the UN to force Israel to halt its saturation bombing campaign of their territory and leave Gaza in peace, not pieces.
Time Well Spent
An extra second was added to Earth's clocks to keep solar time and the atomic clock in sync this year. Rush Limbaugh used the extra time to bash liberals.
Two minutes silence
Millions across the UK will observe a two minute silence at 11:00 am on New Year's Day to mark the sad passing of every growing child's favourite shoplifting outlet : Woolworths
Housing Prices Crash
Property agents around London are reporting that two-bedroom cardboard boxes under Blackfriars Bridge (a sought-after accommodation area) are now going for as little as £280,000.
Global Warming Licked?
January's cold snap in the UK, with water pipes iced up and pensioners frozen to their armchairs, has proved a boon for the Greenhouse Effect Doomsayers who now state we've beaten Global Warming.
Missing: who me?
A ten-year-old Watford girl reported as missing after she ran away from home after a row with her parents on Saturday, told police she knew where she was all the time.
Department of the Bloody Obvious Strikes Again:
A man in his late teens who fell 20 metres from a roof in the West Midlands was tended to by paramedics then taken to Russells Hall Hospital, and is believed to have sustained injuries.
Public idiot No.1
Chicago police have arrested a man who robbed a bank using a threatening note written on the back of his own pay cheque which contained his name and address.
If the Bank Of England has cut interest rates to 1.5% why are credit card companies still charging us 26% interest on our monthly billings?
Michelin rating downgraded
The derelict Lee Bay Hotel in Ilfracombe, Devon was badly damaged by fire last night and will now be downgraded to three star status.
Pan-EU driving offence enforcement a Joke
In 2008 UK speed cameras spotted 169,361 offending foreign vehicles that could not be pursued or prosecuted because they were not registered on the DVLA computer system.
China to 'clean up' Internet
Chinese censors say images of pretty girls in suggestive poses accessed via the internet are unhealthy and damage men's physical and mental health by causing erections and the need to masturbate
UK Bloody Train Service
Northern Russia's Murmansk Express pulled into Leningrad five minutes early this morning yet Britain lapses into chaos at the first hint of snow with London-bound trains delayed indefinitely.
Money to Burn
Tory leader David Cameron called the government's £12bn VAT cut "a joke" and said Gordon Brown may as well have burned the money. Mr. Brown later admitted that was precisely what had happened to it.
Brown pledges 2009 Apprenticeships
PM Brown is to initiate 35000 apprenticeships if he can find any youths that are interested or any industrial companies still in operation to hire them. Has this bloke not heard about the recession?
Pottery firm 'Broke'.
Iconic china and ceramics firm Waterford Wedgwood goes into administration after their research department's failure to come up with an novel and unbreakable bouncing clay.
Water pipes freeze in Wales
Welsh Water blamed the current cold snap for freezing supply pipes to people's homes, commenting it wasn't quite what they expected from the global warming situation.
Gaza to supply Israel with missiles
Israel halts the bombardment of Gaza as they have run out of missiles. Gaza says it has plenty left and has promised to send some over very shortly.
"I saw Mummy blowin' Santa Claus"
6 year-old Kristy McGammer set a first for her local Neighbourhood watch on Xmas Eve when she reported her Mother for adultery after seeing her giving Santa midnight fellatio on the stairs.
Scientists dismiss 'Detox' myth
Sense About Science reviewed hundreds of detox products, saying all are more scent than substance. Just consume plenty of fresh fruits, veggies and water, and have a good crap every day.
Total Fitness Power Station
A UK gym has installed exercise bikes fitted with dynamos that generate electricity as people work out. One bike pedalled at 15mph can power a vibrating egg for orgasm after orgasm.
Did anyone see Lydon in the audience of "Loose Women" this week. He seemed engrossed when David Dickenson came on the show . Does he now spend all of his time watching 3rd rate TV shows ?. The twat.
The BBC is to replace a doll based on the Upsy Daisy character from In the Night Garden as critics say it is too light-skinned. The replacement doll will be a seasick vomit shade of Hulk green.
Upon hearing the urban myth anecdote that the size of a woman's mouth indicates of the size of her vagina, Cherie Bair and Donatella Versace have booked into a Swiss clinic for genital restructuring
Austin Powers 'Mini-Me' actor Verne Troyer, tipped by Ladbrokes to win the Celebrity Big Brother contest, was discovered to have drowned earlier today while swimming in the house's goldfish bowl.
Marks & Spencer Boss: no pay raise.
M & S boss Sir Stuart Rose said that in light of the company lay-offs he will not be taking a pay raise this year. But for a guy who earned over £7 million in salary and bonuses in 2006/07: big deal.
Stay fat : stay well
Doctors say avoid New Year resolution diets or the immune system might be compromised and leave you prone to contracting the latest bout of evil flu' that's doing the rounds.
Jungle Jane abuse case
A burglar broke into three adult shops in Queensland, inflated several Jungle Jane blow up dolls and then had sex with them in a nearby alley. Police have taken DNA samples left at the crime scenes.
Moggi to do Time in Cat's Home
Former Juventus soccer club general manager Luciano Moggi has been sentenced to 18 years of community service at a Milan orphanage for stray cats after being found guilty of corruption.
A man held up his own bank but had much cash to fit in his bag so deposited the excess banknotes in his savings account. Police traced him through the deposit slip details.
A horse that plunged into an abandoned well in a field in Yorkshire has been rescued and returned home. A vet' told the press the animal was now in a 'stable' condition.
Ghana's new President, Jonjon Atilla Mills, declared his party had won the election with an outright majority. Apparently the victor isn't the politician with the most votes but the most guns.
Woolworths Xmas Gift to Jersey Staff : Sweet FA
In a typical corporate "Fu*ck the Workers" move, Woolworths Jersey have denied 120 staff their due lay-off pay, stating UK redundancy rules do not apply on the Channel Islands.
Pro-Nazi NDP back Israel
Germany's pro-Nazi NDP party throw their all-out support behind Israel's genocidal attacks on Gaza and its Palestinian population, stating "We taught them all they know about ethnic cleansing."
Johnny not so Rotten
I'm sure I spotted Lydon in the "Question Time" audience on Thursday. He didn't say anything though, just sat there eating what looked like a Hot Cross bun. Steve.J, Camden Town, London
Doctors tell people to follow the 5 a day plan for a healthy diet but 60% of the UK thinks it means 5 portions of beans on toast while the other 40% went for 3 pints of lager and 2 bags of crisps.
House prices at 2004 level
UK building societies announce house prices have now dropped to the 2004 level, which as any fool will remember, were still too expensive for the average family to afford to buy.
Going-and going-and going
NASA celebrates the Mars rover 'Spirit' still going - and going - and going - after five years - thanks to Ever Ready's Off-World Superlife Lithium batteries.
Bailiffs to Exterminate Tardis Squatters
Now the BBC has a new recruit to play their millenniums old Time Lord, they are now applying for a court order to evict squatters from the abandoned and derelict Dr. Who Time Machine 'Tardis'
My uncle was so annoyed about getting thrown out of the public baths yesterday. It was only when he got home he realised the 'S' had fallen off his swimming trunks.
Jackoff gets 'Split Conversion' Therapy
Cheated investors got even with bailed fraudster Bernie Jackoff yesterday by adopting his own fanciful money-spinning 'split-conversion strategy' when they chopped him into pieces to feed their dogs.
Seymour Justifies School Bombing
Israel's Minister for Ethnic Cleansing Seymour Scrunt today justified the bombing of a Gaza school that killed 40 children, saying at least they can't grow up to join Hamas and become suicide bombers.
Mickey Makes a Comeback
Mickey Rourke stars in his comeback film The Wrestler, which he described as a "physically and emotionally brutal shoot" for a guy who's fucked his body and mind up with booze and drugs for so long.
J-Lo is so cool making her name up from the first letter in her first name and the first two in her second. I wonder why Pete Doherty doesn't do the same?
'Green Shoots of Recovery' Comment taken Out of Context
Business minister Baroness Vadera has said that her comment;'she could see Green Shoots of Recovery' was taken out of context. She made them when she was showing a Sun reporter her potting shed.
written by IN SEINE, 14 January 2009
Question of the Century !
Who bought Simon Cowell a bra? Will, Cheryl or Wossie?
All three apparently chucked a few bob in at Victoria's Secret for the bra as Cowell is such a prize tit.
Dr. What Competition
The BBC is to hold another of their acclaimed scandalous No-Win Phone-In competitions for viewers to guess who the next Time Lord occupant of Dr. What?'s Tardis will be.
Woolworths saved from Closure.
Polynesian 'Poundshed' tycoon Turbo Tatswiller has bought out the ailing High Street retailer lock, stock and barrel, which is to be reopened under the new trading banner of 'Woolworthless'.
Prince Harry Retracks His 'Raghead' Slur (Sort of)
Prince Harry of England has apologized for calling an Arab a 'Raghead.' Harry said, "I do apologize for calling him a 'Raghead,' I really meant to call him a 'Camel Jockey.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 11 January 2009
Where's the Weed?
The deaths of two men, Bill and Ben, whose bodies were fished out of the River Slugg in Herefordshire, are being treated as suspicious due both having their feet firmly jammed in large plant pots.
Centre Court : Wimbledon
Hundreds of Parkinson's disease sufferers who've been improving their digital dexterity by manualising tennis balls have been selected to play at Wimbledon this summer.
M & S cut staff
High Street retailer Marks and Spencer it is to cut more than 1000 jobs. Worker-orientated Karl Marks is to lay off 1 accountant while Frank Spencer is to fire his 999-man strong maintenance staff.