McDonalds New Drink
To help improve sales, McDonalds has began selling spiked coffee drinks for adults. Just ask them for Cafe McBourbon and show them your driver's license.
Hero Pilot Never Really Liked Birds
Traumatized by a flock of birds as a child, pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger is reported to have actually steered the plane into the flock of birds, causing the accident.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 January 2009
Israel Runs Out of Ammunition
Though Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has announced a unilateral ceasefire to begin Sunday, this is attributed to relentless assaults on Gaza having completely exhausted their ammunition supplies.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 January 2009
Coolio officially "a twat"
Coolio, the ex-rapper, has been officially designated a "twat" and a "dick" by the British Association of Psychiatry, after his dick-headed twattish behaviour on the UK's Celebrity Big Brother.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 17 January 2009
McCain Introduces Daughter Around
In last week's "Take Your Daughter To Work Day", John McCain took his gal to the Senate floor with him and then to a DC specialist who helped her pick out her medicare plan.
US Intelligence Not Easily Fooled
U.S. Super-Intelligence is saying that's not the same Kim Jong Il they've been showing in North Korea lately. For one thing, the original one wasn't six foot tall and was a male.
Palin: Another Depression?
Sarah Palin, when asked yesterday if she thought the U.S. was headed for another depression, told the reporter that her own family had put back seven shelves of moose jerky just in case.
Blame Near-By Colleges
Smartass on PBS's "This Week On Wall Street" said last night that the price of whores are now down to a single bit.
Another Dollar Decline
The United States dollar declined once again this past week against the euro, the Japanese yen and the price of the previous week's groceries.
Toyota Boss Explains Losses
The President of Toyota, which had its first loss in sixty years in 2008, will appear this Sunday on "Meet The Prius".
Sure Headache Cure
Oral Sex is the best cure for any type of headache states the suddenly wealthy, best doggone scientist researcher that there ever was on the face of the whole earth.
Lady Wins 25th Blue Ribbon
In local news, a Tanyard, Kentucky woman has won her 25th straight blue ribbon, this year for her cornbread and onion catfish muddle.
Russia is scattering her nuclear subs all over the Atlantic and Pacific, sending more troops into the border of Georgia and the French become more and more rude as Retro Craze hits Europe.
Julia Child Rumors True
In a full report, the CIA admits that the rumor of Julia Child being a spy for the US during WWII is true. Also, Liberace was at one time head of Counter-Intelligence.
Skeleton Wins Contest
In the Florida Keys, a white bearded skeleton with a hole in it's skull has won this years Ernest Hemingway Lookalike Contest!
Greaseless Curly Fries
Mother Earth News in it's back to the basics issue has recommended that the old permanent wave machines can be great for cooking greaseless curly fries.
Hydrogen-Powered Car Tested
Consumer Reports Magazine in their review of new cars say that the hydrogen-powered sample got up to 250 miles per explosion. No others were tested in this category.
Airbus Engine found
One of the 2 missing Airbus engines from the Hudson river crash has been found. It was spotted on ebay by a geek in Washington D.C.;Airbus engine, slighlty wet, few feathers but should clean up well.
written by IN SEINE, 17 January 2009
The Detroit Lions: Roar or No Roar?
The Detroit Lions ended the season with the worst record in NFL history (0-16). They have hired Jim Schwartz to be their new coach. One Lions fan said, "Great, now if we can just hire a new team."
Three guys walked into an L.A. Quick Stop to hold it up. One of the bandits pulled a gun and said "Don't anybody move or I'll shoot." One of his buddies moved towards a register and the guy shot him.
A Bush By Any Other Name
A New York Waxing Spa is having an Inaguration Special. They are calling it "Say Goodbye To Mr. Bush." Their orginal promotion was going to be, "Okay, It's Time For That Ugly Bush To Go."
And Pitching For The Jailbirds, Roger Clemens
It doesn't look good for ex-pitcher Roger Clemens. He is charged with committing perjury and obstruction of justice. Well at least he will be the best pitcher in the entire U.S. Prison System.
Madonna Who? Oh That Madonna
A recently discovered nude photo of Madonna taken when she was 20 has been put on eBay. After four days the highest bid is 75 cents.
The Little Boy Named Adolf Hitler
The parents who named their little boy Adolf Hitler Campbell have caved in to pressure and are changing his name. His new legal name will be Benito Mussolini Campbell.
The Dallas Cowboys have fired their defensive coordinator Brian Stewart. Stewart was asked for a comment and he replied, "I have no defense."
One Hump or Two
Najib Shemami of Detroit has been accused of spying for Saddam Hussein's former regime. He has pleaded guilty. Neighbors report first becoming suspicious when they saw a camel parked in his garage.
You Better Check The Pawn Shops
Searchers say that the US Airways jet that crash landed in the Hudson River is missing both engines. Police are blaming neighborhood gang members.
The Birds Are Confused As Hell
It's been so cold in the southern states this week that the birds are turning around and going back up north.
Boy George or Is It Girl George?
Singer Boy George has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. His lawyer said he should not have to go to prison because he heard that the inmates are already starting to refer to him as Girl George.