Global Warming "Nuts" Respond to U.K. Deep Freeze Snippet
Massive amounts of fresh water from melting glaciers flowing into the Atlantic, being less dense than saltwater, have begun to interfere with the Atlantic Conveyer. We hate to say we told you so.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Al Franken wins by a hair
...because he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, barely more than half of Minnesota's voters like him more than Norm Coleman.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Man finds ideal football team deterrant.
A man who was plagued by Shrewsbury Town football players in his garden has devised the ULTIMATE deterrant. It is alleged that he simply erected a goalpast. He has not seen a player for 6 months now!
written by IN SEINE, 10 January 2009
47 Millionaires watch TV Together
No less than 47 millionaires were sat around a TV in a plush hotel room, watching the Super Bowl. It turned out that the group were otherwise known as 'The Oakland Raiders'.
written by IN SEINE, 10 January 2009
Heather Mills explains the REAL reson for her divorce
Heather Mills McCartney has admitted the real reason for her divorce to Sir Paul. She said:"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't."
written by IN SEINE, 10 January 2009
Dr. Who show gets new Time Lady
Theatrical arbitrators 'Toss-up' have solved the BBC's gender dilemma in selecting a new Dr. Who by signing up transvestite actor Darlston 'call me Mary' Pickles to play the new Time Lady.
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Tintin reaches 80!
To celebrate his 80th birthday, intrepid boy hero Tintin and his canine buddy Snowy are off to the barbers: Snowy for a poodle trim and Tintin to get that puffy Belgian quiff sorted.
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Another 'Brazilian' goes wrong ?
A man is reported to have been "injured" at a house in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire after police "shot" him several times ! Que?
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Wrong body-wrong grave
Funeral company Fuckups-R-Us has apologised to two Merseyside families after burying the wrong bodies in the wrong coffins and in the wrong graves. The bodies were later illegally exhumed and swapped.
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Are hospitals safe?
Colombian head of the Caqueta drug cartel Leo Vargas, being treated for lung disease in a Spanish hospital, was shot while asleep. He is now being treated for gunshot wounds in the hospital's mortuary
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
The ring - and the kidney, please.
A man divorcing his wife in the US demands she return the kidney he donated to her or pay $1.5m compensation.
He told the court "I gave her my heart and she broke it
so I want my kidney back."
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Poor harvest?
Egyptian farmers with lands bordering the Gaza Strip have complained that the Israeli conflict is disrupting their smuggling businesses due Israeli bombs and missiles damaging their tunnel networks.
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Obituary complaints
Al-Qaeda terrorists Usama al-Kini and Ahmed Swedan reportedly killed by a missile fired from a US drone near the Afghan border, phoned the BBC to complain their obituary photos are years out of date.
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
Knuck wimps
Three Canadians claiming a new 34 day record for the fastest trek across Antarctica to the South Pole have been classed a wimps as they did it in the continent's mid-summer period
written by Rusty, 10 January 2009
"Big 3" execs eagerly awaiting W-2's
CEO's and top-level managers short on cash are hoping to e-file returns and have them direct deposited as soon as the documents arrive.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Israel bombs Red Cross in Gaza
Many believe the bombing was motivated by Red Cross' recent condemnation of Israel for bombing innocent Palestinian civilians, women and children.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
D.C. hotel rooms too expensive for Barack Obama Inauguration
Even Warren Buffett decided to book a room at the Super 6 Motel, saying their $125,000 price tag was "the most reasonable deal" he could find.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Fat-Ass Sheriff gets taste of own medicine
Ordered to spend a day in jail for feeding inmates "woefully insufficient" meals, XXL Alabama Sheriff Greg Bartlett immediately shed 4 pounds and got sick from eating undercooked chicken.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Leon Panetta to end congressional wire-taps
And an ant is going to kill an elephant.
written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Will Leon Panetta be able to find the CIA?
Or, will CIA agents find him first and give him plenty of aspartame to drink?
written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Chinese Panda Mauls Zoo Visitor
An obvious mistake on the part of the giant bear, who thought the man was eating panda for lunch. It was actually Panda Express takeout.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 January 2009
Gaza swimming in agent orange
UN - Maniacal GI Josephs are swamping Gaza with cases of orange soda sweetened with aspartame. Thirsty residents are going blind, making easy target practice for the battle hardened well fed troops.
written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Agent orange soda
The new agent orange, and we may have all tasted it? Orange soda sweetened with aspartame. Tartness dictates an extra dose of highly toxic aspartame. Regular soda to be taxed. Call it a brain tax.
written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
Aspartame companies belly-up to the bar
Bankruptcy courts are gurgling with the sounds of drowning aspartame companies as victims climb out of the mental fog to recover. Aspartame executives belly up to the bar to talk to the judge.
written by Aspartame Boy, 10 January 2009
