Kim Jong Un Apologizes to United Nations, Says He Is Turning Over New Leaf
Kim Jong Un, rotund dictator of North Korea, today apologized to the United Nations about all the human right abuses in his country. "They just give me as much food as I want. I didn't realize anyone was starving!" spoke the dictator. Golly, I'm...
Read full storyNo satanists in North Pole, Akaska when I was Governor says Sarah Palin
Juneau, Alaska - "Bigfoot sightings, yes! Weird Russian-speaking aliens, yes! But satanists? On MY watch?? There were categorically NO satanists in North Pole or anywhere else in Alaska while I was Governor," Sarah Palin said today. "Besides, as...
Read full story"Pots for your Pot" Businesses Booming in Colorado
FORT COLLINS, COLORADO - Pottery businesses in Colorado are experiencing booming sales. Weed users, especially those who don't have acreage, are buying up pots by the dozens to grow their own canniabus. Over the past month, pots of every color...
Read full storyBingo Game Turns Nasty in Poughkeepsie Retirement Home
POUGHKEEPSIE, NEW YORK - Administrators of the Cranky Petunia Retirement Home confirmed today that a fight broke out among some of the bingo players at their facility Thursday afternoon. "It was bedlam," exclaimed director Candace Cruikshank, "One...
Read full storyAudi release a new car for the Somerset Levels
Audi's latest model for the home counties and South of England is bound to make something of a splash when it hits the shores next November. "This car is something to behold," said Jeremy Clarkson in a pompous voice. "It is seriously cool," sai...
Read full storyCoke Could Kill (and Pepsi May Maim)
Although there is no evidence in the forty-nine other states (or, as yet, even in Washington, D. C.) that drinking soft drinks could be hazardous to consumers' heath, California, The Land of Nuts and Fruits, will require Coca-Cola, Pepsi, and other s...
Read full storyNew Facebook Quiz Triggers Large Movement of Users to States They Should Be Living
The most recent popular Facebook quiz decides what state people are most fit to live in the United States. What's remarkable about this quiz is that users are actually taking it to heart, picking up their belongings and hitting the road to move thei...
Read full story"Battle Purses" Newest in Pentagon Arsenal?
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The pentagon announced today they are developing a new gender specific weapon, the Battle Purse, for female combat soldiers to use on battlefields. Nine Star General Forrest Whitehead, told a news conference, "Our female combat...
Read full storyUniversal Studios Opens Up "Nifty 50's Land"
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Universal Studios has announced the opening of their newest theme park, "Nifty 50's Land" just in time for the upcoming spring and summer breaks. According to spokeswoman, Muffy St. Hubbins, "Nifty 50's Land is all about...
Read full storyChef Chang to open Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! on St. Patrick's Day
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! will open in Chicago on St. Patrick's Day. Famous restauranteur, Chef Chip Chang, explained the theme of his newest Chicago restaurant, "It will be all about pork: pork chops, pork rolls, pork roasts, pork...
Read full storyUN report reveals Kim Jong-Un calls Hitler 'proby' during Ouija session
Pyongyang - According to a UN report published this week the North Korean leader's latest fad is hexoplasm sex with a female wise-ass whose orgasm-induced trances mean he gets to shag his greatest heroes, mostly RIP despots like Adolf & Co. Us...
Read full storyMom Thinking about Putting Her Son on a Curfew
RENO, NEVADA - Gladys Billingsley, a 53 year old health care worker, is thinking about giving her son, Gerald, an ultimatum. "I told him, if he doesn't get home at a decent hour each night, say 11:00 p.m., then I am thinking about placing him on a curfew. He's been dragging in here at 3:00 in the morning and sleeps until noon or longer! He tells me he's too tired to look for a job. This has...
Read full storyScottish sewer blocked by Pooh!
Responding to complaints of a rather stiff smell exiting local drains and household bogs, Scottish sewer engineers have been scouring the area attempting of find a dead rat or two left over stodgy Big Macs that might be causing the stench. Throu...
Read full storyKanye West Seeking Paternity Test Following Lyrical Revelations
Rap super-star, Kanye West, has been told by close friends to seek for a paternity test after he inadvertently revealed intimate details about his relationship with Kim Kardashian in a new rap song. The details came to light in a recently released...
Read full storyOutrageous Miley Cyrus' 'Bangerz' Show
Last night in Vancouver, Canada, Miley Cyrus kicked off her much-hyped Bangerz world tour with both her immense talent and not so sexy show. In fact, if you are one of those creeps that used to hide in the back of an Adult Bookstore and peep at t...
Read full storyFacebook allows gender change
In the face of requests from trans pressure groups, Facebook has finally relented and allowed people to change their gender after they've signed up for an account. "It's taken them ten years," said trans campaigner, Sam Thyme. "Now people can go t...
Read full storyAttempt To Land Justin Bieber On Moon By Catapult Ends In Disaster
Florida, An attempt to land Justin Bieber on the moon by shooting him from a catapult ended in disaster when the annoying pop sensation overshot his target and is now condemned to an infinity of drifting aimlessly in space at a uniform velocity witho...
Read full storyA-Rod to Market New Penis Pill
Forget Levitra, Cialis and Viagra. Try one small $1.00 a pill, "A-Rod for A-Big-Rod!' The suspended Yankee slugger has joined up with a new laboratory in New York City to be their man up front. "If you always wanted to be the big slugger in bed...
Read full storyWest Virginia Votes To Change The 9-1-1 Emergency Number
CHARLESTON, West Virginia - State Senator Marlene W. Pillwater [D-Philippi] has just announced that the state senate has passed a bill which will change the 9-1-1- emergency number. Senator Pillwater said that after a heated debate on the senate f...
Read full storySing Sing Prison Confiscates Over 3,000 Illegal Cell Phones During Surprise Inspection
OSSINING, New York - Officials at Sing Sing Prison have just informed the media of the results of a surprise inspection. A correction facility spokesperson who would only give her initials, V.Y. said that a group of 43 Sing Sing prison guards sear...
Read full storyFast-Food Employee Fired For Forgetting To Ask "You Want Fries With That?"
OAK BROOK, Illinois - The home office of the McDonut's Fast Food Franchise has just received a report from one of its restaurants. According to spokesperson Nancy Zabeletta, located west of the Mississippi River has reportedly fired one of its emp...
Read full storyRussian President Putin Speaks To The Russian Olympic Athletes And Offers Them A Fantastic Incentive
SOCHI, Russia - President Putin of Russia says that he wants Russia to win the Olympics and he has devised what he is calling a fabulous incentive. The Russian president told the Olympics news media that his good friend and National Director of Co...
Read full storyArkansas Residents Fined For Using An Old Inactive Volcano As A Gigantic Trash Bin
FAYETTEVILLE, Arkansas - A group of Arkansas residents were surprised to receive a visit from the local sheriff. Reporters for a local television station reported that Sheriff Hadley Foxfair, 51, received word about an illegal activity that was go...
Read full storyCosta Rica Is On The Verge of Overtaking Denmark As The World's Top Porn Video Country
SAN JOSE, Costa Rica - A representative for the Costa Rican government has informed the world wide press that the little Central American country is on the verge of achieving a world wide distinction. Since 2010, Costa Rica has become a mecca for...
Read full storyNBA All-Star Game: The East Defeats The West In A Wild Shootout 163-155.
NEW ORLEANS - The new NBA Commissioner Adam Silver promised the fans an exciting NBA All-Star game and he delivered. After all of the dust had settled the Eastern Conference All-Stars had defeated the Western Conference All-Stars by an astounding...
Read full storyA Diner In Colorado Springs Is Selling The Heck Out Of Pot Pot Pies
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado - The owner of Bubba's Pikes Peak Diner in Colorado Springs is smiling from ear-to-ear these days. Beaumont "Bubba" Rindello spoke with American Spotlight Magazine and said that just in the three days since he added Pot...
Read full storyIndia Responds To Kim Jong Un's Threat
NEW DELHI, India - The government of India has wasted no time in responding to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un's threat. Kim Jong Un stated that he is planning on launching a missile which will destroy India's world famous landmark the Taj Mahal.
Read full storyStar Wars Enthusiast Blinds Himself With Homemade Lightsaber
Darien CT: Months of painstaking research and design ended in calamity yesterday when a man accidentally blinded himself while in the final stages of developing a homemade light saber. The mishap is thought to have occurred when Star Wars enthusiast...
Read full storyRighties vs. Lefties Extreme Darts Challenge to be Held
LONDON, ENGLAND - The Righties vs. Lefties Extreme Darts Challenge will be held at the Alexandra Palace next month, according to the Professional Darts Corporation. Gowan McCowan, spokesman for the group stated, "We are going to have a Righties ve...
Read full storyCalifornia Water Restrictions Traceable to Species Protection/Conflict-of-Interest Scheme
Fresno, CA - Investigative reporting by this newspaper has revealed an amazing linkage between insider species preference and corrupt EPA policy making. Some time ago a decision by Central Valley District Administrator of the EPA, one Sully Smeltz...
Read full storyKenny Blankenship and Vince Ramano Return in New Socchi Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
SOCCHI, RUSSIA - Russian entertainment authorities have announced that Kenny Blankenship and Vince Ramano will appear in a new T.V. series, Socchi's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, which will air in fall of 2014. Blankenship and Ramano will us...
Read full storyNorth Korean Olympic Team Dissolved After Eating 10% of Their Country's Food Supply
Pyongyang, North Korea-Although North Korea had hoped to field an Olympic team for the Sochi Winter Games, government officials forcibly disbanded the team after discovering that it had consumed about 10% of the national food supply. "Although every...
Read full storyLeprechauns are Gearing Up for St. Patrick's Day
BLARNEY, IRELAND - With only one month until Lá Fhéile Pádraig, leprechauns are gearing up for their annual vacation day off. For 364 days a year they are humbler cobblers, but on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, they are allowed to descend on the wor...
Read full storyU.S. Government Announces New Job Force Initiative
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Labor Department issued a statement today about a new Job force initiative designed to provide needed jobs to the nation's unemployed. "We are calling it the 'R.R.R.P.' for 'Restroom Renewal & Restoration Project'," stat...
Read full storyRogue Satellite Kills a Hamster in Ottumwa
OTTUMWA, IOWA - A rogue satellite, owned by an Australian multi-millionaire, Herschel McBee, crashed to earth early Tuesday evening in an Ottumwa neighborhood. According to local police, the satellite destroyed a home owned by resident, Lucille...
Read full storyNEA Sanctions "Dirty Harry Gun Training Program"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Education Association (NEA) announced today its decision to sanction "The Dirty Harry Gun Training Program" for its 1.6 million full-time member teachers across the U.S. "Our teachers are doing a difficult job alrea...
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