"Battle Purses" Newest in Pentagon Arsenal?

Funny story written by Wumf

Monday, 17 February 2014

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Battle Purse

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The pentagon announced today they are developing a new gender specific weapon, the Battle Purse, for female combat soldiers to use on battlefields.

Nine Star General Forrest Whitehead, told a news conference, "Our female combat soldiers have been having a bit of difficulty with the typical combat gear. Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan normally carry between 60 and 100 pounds of gear including body armor, weapons and batteries. The sheer weight they have to carry causes chronic pain for our male soldiers, so it came to our attention that our females were really suffering."

When asked what the Battle Purse consists of, General Whitehead explained, "Well, the Battle Purse itself only weighs what an average woman's purse weighs these days, about 15 lbs., give or take a few ounces. It is much more manageable and many females are used to carrying heavy purses. We also commissioned Lana Marks to design the bag, so our female soldiers will want to carry it into battle."

"We've filled the Battle Purse with an array of new lightweight weaponry", continued General Whitehead, "which I am not allowed to discuss at this time, due to our current involvement in wars around the globe. We don't want the enemy to have this information. Let's just say the Battle Purse is very, very effective and has been tested extensively at the White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico."

According to General Whitehead, the Battle Purse is currently being massed produced at a top secret location somewhere in China, but only because their bid was much lower than U.S. manufacturers.

"We are trying to pinch pennies at the Pentagon," explains General Whitehead, "even when it concerns up-to-date military weapon's technology."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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