Reese Witherspoon catches criminal
Reese Witherspoon was enjoying her lunch at Mcdonald's yesterday morning, when a masked man with a water gun demanded cash from the register. Before the employee could move, Reese jumped into action and karate chopped the masked man and than put him...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Starts New Hair Trend
Remember when Britney Spears went a little bonkers and cut all her blonde locks off? Well, not to be out done by the competition, Miley Cyrus has taken matters into her own hands. Ready to start a new trend in hair care Miley has taken a new tact...
Read full storyPaul Ryan to Seniors: Please Drop Dead
Arlington National Cemetery - The Republican's newly named vice presidential nominee has some patriotic advice for America's elderly. He'd like them to stop breathing. Introducing his Medicare cutback program at a graveside press conference, Rep.
Read full storyAdult acne and homeless cat problems solved
A new study by the Cornell University, School of Medicine, Dermatology Department has seemed to have made significant strides in alleviating two problems that have appeared unrelated up till now. It has been discovered that cat saliva may have a c...
Read full storyAustralia to build off-shore asylum homes in Guernsey!
The Australian government and Australians generally have had their "gutful" (not my comment) of people illegally attempting to enter their sparsely populated country via the Christmas Islands and have decided to build off-shore asylum homes on the ot...
Read full storyGeorge Michael "Still Got It", apparently.
George Michael triumphantly returned in a blaze of abject failure last night at the Olympic Closing Ceremony. After performing a relatively appropriate song - Freedom, Michael decided to perform new material. Shit material. Which was completely lo...
Read full storyLouis 'Weird Weekends' Theroux dismisses Jennifer Aniston nuptials 'slur'
London - The 'Weird Weekends' broadcaster honed his unique satirical slant with a three-year series of documentaries on US marginal subcultures. His 1998-2000 smash-hit TV series took on American religious snake-charmers, assorted survivalists, bl...
Read full storyThe Miami Dolphins Drop-Kick Chad Ochocinco
MIAMI - A spokesperson for the NFL Miami Dolphins, Clyde "Cleats" Cantabrini, has just stated that they have terminated wide receiver Chad Johnson, better known as Chad Ochocinco (#85). Cantabrini spoke with Tango Brisket, a reporter with Sports T...
Read full storyRiver Thames To Be Renamed 'The River Queen Elizabeth II' .
Her Majesty the Queen has decided that as from next Tuesday the river Thames is to be renamed the 'River Queen Elizabeth II' in her honour. The Prime Minister has been informed of the decision. It was explained to the Prime Minister that she no lo...
Read full storyBelichick Finishing Up His Third Degree as Parole Officer
Crime-buster Bill Belichick is up to his eyes in intriguing homework for his new continuing education degree program at one of the local community colleges. Few people realize that New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is working part-time on...
Read full storyQuantum experiment accidentally splits the universe in two
Scientists at Cambridge university have accidentally split the entire Universe into two. "We're very sorry," said Kate Bifur, professor of quantum theory at Cambridge. "It was an accident." According to the incident log, the split occurred at n...
Read full storyThe Netherlands Chosen To Host 2022 Winter Olympics
As the world's media has remained focussed on the conclusion of the London 2012 games, it has been announced that the city of Arnhem in The Netherlands will host the 2022 Winter Olympics. The bid by The Netherlands came as a surprise to many, give...
Read full storyMy Senior Moments for W/E: 12th July 2012
Monday 6th Aug * Up early, went to WC - found I'd left the flipping heater on all night again! Ah well, the utility company will be glad. * Did diaries for Spoof, and posted them. * Went over to ogle Margaret... she installs feelings in certain quarters that I should not be having at my age and health! * Went for a walk afterwards, got caught in the rain, the brolly blew inside out and is now...
Read full story50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World
I, Bartholomew Utterswaithe declare that in the event of my ruling the world, I would carry out the following 50 actions with haste, rapidity, and determination, for the betterment of mankind: 1) I would liquidate money from existence - every thing would be free. 2) I would ban impecuniousness, by ridding the world of those pathetic mongrels who suffer this fate, and feed the bodies (baked...
Read full storySelected Nottingham News for W/E 12th August 2012 + comments
Monday 6th Aug Topic: Crime - DUI - Crash - Arrest Headline "Driver arrested after woman seriously injured in Arnold crash" Source: This is Nottingham Extract: A woman is seriously injured in hospital after a crash in Arnold yesterday. A 31-year old man has been arrested in relation to the crash, on suspicion of dangerous driving and driving while unfit through drink or drugs. Comments:...
Read full storySelected Political News for W/E 12th August 2012 + comments
Monday 6th Aug Topic: Headline "29 councils axe pest control" Source: The Sun Extract: Twenty-nine pest control departments across the UK have closed in two years. And society's most vulnerable - families who cannot afford to pay private firms to control vermin - are most in danger. The British Pest Control Association warned that illnesses such as Weil's Disease could increasingly be s...
Read full storyRihanna Getting Back With Chris Brown
CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee - Rihanna was in town visiting her Uncle Toby, who is an unemployed circus clown. After visiting with him she spoke with Ling Chow Rangoon of iRumors at The Vicious Guppy Seafood Diner. The "We Found Love" singer was aske...
Read full storyOlympic Gold Medal In 4X100 Mayhem Relay Won By Team Chicago: Kabul Wins Silver
BILLINGSGATE POST - On the final day of 2012 Summer Games, the USA Team, comprised of four members of the elite Chicago Vice Lords, shocked the sports world by defeating the Mayhem Relay Team of Kabul, said to be responsible for over 900 deaths of bo...
Read full storyJim Carrey goes to rehab
It appears Jim Carrey is going to rehab for his addiction to red bull energy drinks. Ever since his movie "Yes man" he hasn't been able to stop drinking them. Jim said in an interview "nobody knew I was acting unusual because I'm always crazy. Howeve...
Read full storyFinger-Lickin' May Be Clue To Australia's Swimming
"Alright youse blokes an' sheilas, we stuffed up big time in the London 'Lympics swimmin, right?" These were the words of Australia's swim coach Donnie Tallboys as he post-mortemed Australia's not-so-good effort in the recent London Olympics. "...
Read full storyHuman exhalations melting ice on moons of Jupiter and Saturn
Munich, Germany - Scientists here, not of the Nazi Party, have determined that human exhalations are releasing gasses that are escaping to outer space, traveling to the Sun, falling into the Sun, causing it to get hotter, and causing ice on the moons...
Read full storyOctober Surprise Anticipated
Washington DC: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) announced on the Senate floor "the word is out" that a high placed White House source had confided she knew where President Obama's birth, passport and Harvard Law School records were hidden.
Read full story10 reasons you can't find a date
This list is based on a survey from relationship experts in hollywood. People such as: Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Hugh Hefner, and even the Kardashians. 1. Your favorite musician is Justin Bieber 2. You don't know the difference between "their" "there" and "they're" 3. Your nickname is snake 4. You're a plumber 5. Your last name is Kardashian 6. You still use Myspace 7. You're 40 and l...
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