Written by Inchcock

Monday, 13 August 2012

image for 50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World
On the way out - Number One

I, Bartholomew Utterswaithe declare that in the event of my ruling the world, I would carry out the following 50 actions with haste, rapidity, and determination, for the betterment of mankind:

I would liquidate money from existence - every thing would be free.

I would ban impecuniousness, by ridding the world of those pathetic mongrels who suffer this fate, and feed the bodies (baked with Goiulash and curried testicles to the politicians.

I would stop space exploration, and spend the money of finding a way for mankind to live under the oceans.

I would reinstate the death penalty for killers.

I would reinstate the death penalty for muggers.

I would reinstate the death penalty for rioters.

I would reinstate the death penalty for speeding and causing death or injury whilst doing so.

I would reinstate the death penalty for Lawyers, solicitors and QCs who speak.

I would reinstate the death penalty for Estate agents who are found guilty of any crime.

I would reinstate the death penalty for Politicians who lie.

I would reinstate the death penalty for Politicians who fiddle their expenses.

I would reinstate the death penalty for Politicians who pass wind.

I would reinstate the death penalty for anyone who speaks with a plum in their mouths.

I would reinstate the death penalty for owners who do not clean-up after their dogs, horses, cats or goldfish.

I would reinstate the death penalty for anyone guilty of liking anyone not liked by me.

I would reinstate the death penalty for belching without duw cause.

I would reinstate the death penalty for Lottery winners.

I would reinstate the death penalty for disabled mobility scooter drivers who knock down 65 year old Spoof writers.

I would reinstate the cat of nine-tails for shopkeepers who overcharge, and give short change.

I would reinstate being hung drawn and quartered as an option for judges to sentence those without vehicle insurance.

I would reinstate the pillory-stocks for failing to stop after an accident.

I would promise the world's nations that Great Britain would never attack any other nation with nuclear, chemical, radioactive, biological, or disease organism weapons.

I would then store all of our currents weapons underground in Scotland.

I would then inform the worlds nations that in the event of any of them attacking Great Britain, we will detonate our stock-pile, thus destroy the world.

I would locate all the people of our country who do not like Marmite, and have them sectioned.

I would introduce weekly free stoning of ex-MPs sessions, to help keep the proletariat fit.

I will eliminate the use of oil in all power sources.

I will ensure work for the unemployed by building massive power plants generating electricity through pedal-power.

I will use the power of the seas waves to produce sufficient power to ensure the need for oil will no longer be needed.

I will have David Cameron, William Hague, George Osborne, Lord Prescott, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, and a few other select nepotists imprisoned and questioned for twenty years by members of the Nye Bevan Appreciation Society. The only thing they will be allowed to consume during their incarceration will be spit and weeds.

I will execute the Lotto board and all of its members. (Unless in the meantime I win the jackpot)

I will bar private hospitals, medication etc.

I will ensure that all Curry/Kebab house staff eat the same food themselves to prove they are not serving cats and dogs in the menus.

I would ensure the police find the three yobs who mugged me; hang them up in the Arboretum by their thumbs, and visit them each day with a mouldy peanut for them to eat, and give each one a stab with a heroin needle... and carry on with this until they bleed to death, then feed there carcases to the Big Issue sellers.

I would ban singers who could not sing.

I would try to work out how J Stalin killed millions more of his own indigenous people before the last war, than Hitler did in the war.

I would reinstate the death penalty for unsolicited phone callers and leaflet deliverers.

I would insist that any taxi-driver, must know at least three words of the language of the country they were working in.

I would bar all tea, apart from Glengettie, Yorkshire, English Breakfast, and Coop 99.

I would ban Coca Cola from being drank, and use it to decoke the the sewers.

I would ensure that all NHS nurses are given a comprehensive medical examination and MOT each year, and would do it myself.

I would lower the retirement age to 49.

I would seek out, and liquidate all the managers of the England football since since Bobby Robson, and have a few words with them.

I would imprison the members of the FA who were too scared to give Brian Clough the manager's job when he applied it.

I will ensure that no Security company makes a 61 year old redundant when he is the only one in the company who has never taken a day off, worked average of 76hrs a week for single minimum rate pay, and had only been late once on the nine years he was with them.

I will make sure that footwear manufacturers make shoes once again, that last over three months before they fall to pieces.

I will make sure cars run on ionised water, with a maximum speed of 45mph, large lorries are banned, and railways will link up throughout the world. (but not with Russia)

I will bar hair remover for ladies.

I will ask my doctor to change my medications.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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