Selected Nottingham News for W/E 12th August 2012 + comments

Funny story written by Inchcock

Monday, 13 August 2012


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Butlins for the few lucky criminals actually sentenced in Nottingham.

Monday 6th Aug
Topic: Crime - DUI - Crash - Arrest
Headline "Driver arrested after woman seriously injured in Arnold crash"
Source: This is Nottingham
Extract: A woman is seriously injured in hospital after a crash in Arnold yesterday.

A 31-year old man has been arrested in relation to the crash, on suspicion of dangerous driving and driving while unfit through drink or drugs.

Comments: A drink too far... or a few?

Tuesday 7th Aug
Topic: Sexual offence - Crime
Headline "Boy charged with sexual offences"
Source: Nottinghamshire Police Site
Extract: A 15-year-old boy has appeared in court charged with sexually assaulting a 65-year-old man.

The teenager is also alleged to have raped and attempted to rape the man near to allotments in Vale Road, Mansfield, at about 8.30am on Saturday 4 August 2012.

He also faces one count of robbery and two counts of theft relating to separate incidents in Mansfield Woodhouse on Friday 3 and Saturday 4 August.

The boy, from Nottinghamshire, appeared at Mansfield Magistrates' Court today (Monday 6 August 2012) where he was remanded into custody.

Comments: I thought I was beyond being surprised... but no!

Thursday 9th Aug
Topic: Police - Crime
Headline "Body found in Sneinton during hunt for missing Nottingham man"
Source: Nottingham Post
Extract: Police have found a body after extensive searches for a missing man.

A 30-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of causing grievous bodily harm in connection with the investigation and was last night in custody.

The body was found on land between Burrows Court and Rossington Road, Sneinton, yesterday after concerns were raised for the safety of a Nottingham man who had not been seen for several weeks.

Police said the death was being treated as "unexplained" and inquiries were continuing.

The man has not been formally identified.

Marie Thornhill, 50, of Rossington Road, said she was shocked when she saw police officers in Rossington Road yesterday morning.

"Police vans were parked here all day. You don't normally see that many police cars around here, so I was quite shocked to see such a huge presence," she said.

Comments: Violence, Crime, Murder? In Nottingham? Surely not!

Friday 10th Aug
Topic: Explosion - Fire - Shop
Headline "Woman was on fire after Alfreton Road shop explosion"
Source: This is Nottingham
Extract: A woman suffered serious burns after a devastating explosion in Nottingham.

The blast blew the front of the former Simba grocery shop 35ft across Alfreton Road and brought traffic to a standstill.

The cause of the explosion is being investigated, but it is thought a gas cylinder was involved.

Firefighters say she suffered 30 per cent burns.

Comments: I hope the woman is going to be alright. Good job I wasn't on one of me walks that take me by the shop when it happened.

Saturday 11th Aug
Topic: Crime - Violence - Robbery
Headline "Five in robbery gang are jailed over £70,000 haul"
Source: Nottingham Post
Extract: FIVE Bulwell men have been locked up for their part in stealing more than £70,000 in cash from security guards.

In one robbery, a G4S security guard was hit with a baseball bat. In another, the guard was threatened with a hammer.

The men were jailed for a total of more than 40 years.

A woman from Eastwood was given a nine-month suspended sentence for handling criminal property.

The gang robbed a security guard of cash on May 5 last year while he was at a Tesco store in Infirmary Road, Sheffield.

They struck again five days later in Leicester, targeting a security guard as he visited the Nationwide Building Society on The Nook, in Anstey.

Comments: Well they wont have to worry about their benefits, Council tax, the cost of food and heating, being mugged, and anti-social behaviour gangs of gits for a while... not that thought they would have anyway.

Sunday 12th Aug
Topic: Benefit fraud - Crime
Headline "£36k benefits cheat made false claim for four years
Source: Nottingham Post
Extract: A benefits cheat after her boyfriend moved in with her, a court heard.

Margaret Mullen, 52, a benefits cheat unlawfully claimed more than £36,000. She was supposed to inform the authorities that partner Anthony Hillman had moved in, because it affected her claims.

she had pleaded guilty at the first opportunity.

The judge decided that Mullen could have a community order for 12 months, with 80 hours of unpaid work.

Comments: 80 hours of unpaid work? For £36,000 quid that ain't bad is it? That'll really scare the pants off of the other benefit fraudsters will it not!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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