Cocklers rescued from an eBay boat
Seven cocklers were rescued from Morecambe Bay yesterday after they got into difficulties due to their boat bought from eBay earlier in the week being completely unsuitable. "Ah, yeah, well, yeah," said local fisherman Neal Lamprey. "I was walkin...
Read full storyAll local businesses in Portsmouth to close
The permanent closure of Friendly's in Portsmouth has largely affected retails of all sizes, especially the small, independent and locally-owned shops that can't afford the bargain price breaks that bigger chains utilize. Portsmouth has already lo...
Read full storyBank of God to End the World's Debt Crisis
The prayers of the world's bankers and investment firms have been answered. The Bank of God has agreed to cover all global debt in exchange for what God is calling "The Ten Commitments." "We tend to forget that God is a shrewd money manager," said...
Read full story£1bn Upgrade For British Army's Generals
In a week when the government has announced a £1bn upgrade of the Army's fleet of Warrior armoured vehicles, it has also revealed that the Army is to spend a similar amount upgrading its senior officers. Defence Secretary, Phillip Hammond explaine...
Read full storyIf you treat us like sardines we'll act like them
Commuters who are fed up with overcrowded trains are trying to organise a protest by getting everyone to dress up as sardines! There fed up with standing up and having trains cancelled or late. "My train this week was on time for once but it didn'...
Read full storyChinese government steps up news suppression
Newspapers and internet websites in China continue to be strictly controlled by the state. This week it was revealed that they may be further restricted, following an order from the totalitarian government to avoid people reading about what they call...
Read full storyKnife wielding teenagers to 'stand in the corner and face the wall', says Clarke
Knife wielding teenagers who threaten the well-being of others will be forced to 'stand in a corner and face the wall' under new plans unveiled by Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke to restore order to the streets of Britain. The plans were revealed...
Read full storyGiles and Spoof - The "Truth"
Giles Fraser, having read a satirical piece questioning his conduct has conceded that he should listen to satirists and return to the backbenches of the church where he can be ignored. Boris Johnson declared he was sorry Canon Fraser 'was moving o...
Read full storyBabies to be Locked Up
A Think Tank funded by someone in the Cayman Islands has suggested to the government a radical overhaul of the Penal system. Proposals include locking up children who cry too much, punishing schoolboys who wield cricket bats and sending girls who...
Read full storySt Paul's 'loose canon' resigns amid Stock Exchange protest
London - The cathedral's loose cannon chancellor Rev Dr Giles Fraser has been forced to quit because of alleged Dale Farm pikeys squatting in the piazza. He had famously allowed hundreds of the Essex squatters to take refuge in Paternoster Square...
Read full storyWant to win an argument? There's an app for that
Many is the time that people are involved in arguments where one party claims that they said or did not say something that the other argument starter clearly remembers that they did. Without proof, there was nothing that could be done. Step forwar...
Read full storyWorld Dungaree Championships Cause Travel Chaos In Scooterville
Police in the small NJ town of Scooterville (pop 248) have reported travel mayhem as visitors pour into the town for the 3rd Annual World Dungaree Championships. Sherriff Teddy Cockspur, the only law enforcement officer in the parish, said that t...
Read full storyWestern Australia Declares Martial Law
We're having to whisper this story from Perth Western Australia, as none of us is safe. The city has been taken over by police and military to make sure nobody lobs a meat pie at Her Majesty who's here for the CHOGM piss-up of unknown, backward Commo...
Read full storyHerman Cain Talks About His Latest Campaign Ad Which Shows His Chief-of-Staff Smoking
WINSTON-SALEM, North Carolina - Herman Cain brought his campaign bus tour deep into "Tobacco Territory." And GOPicky Magazine's Amos Soursuckle said that it was a brilliant move by the Republican presidential front runner or as Michele Bachmann re...
Read full storyBillionaire Florida hotelier in three-bullet 'suicide' riddle at Paris mansion
Neuilly-sur-Seine, Paris - Claude Dray, 76 year-old owner of the renowned National Hotel in South Beach, Miami, was found slumped on the floor at his magnificent Neuilly home the Villa Madrid on Tuesday with a reported 'three slugs' to his neck.
Read full storyScientists Have Answer To Pole Shift Question
Scientific experts concluded today that, much like how air pollution created by people is the only reason for global warming, (and not that completely bizarre theory about the earth expanding, which has no basis in reality), people are also responsib...
Read full storyMidsomer Murders Not Crazy Enough: Let The Dog In!
Millions of fans woke up this morning wondering just what had gone wrong with their favourite TV detective show. The latest episode of Midsomer Murders had plenty of ingredients for a classic - teenage sex, nuns, stolen trousers and stolen silver, a spoiled brat, a rotten Irish accent and a former Carry On starlet. But it failed to deliver. Not least because the entire two-hour programme...
Read full storyDorking Review To Be Centre Of Olympic Extravaganza
Businesses in a Surrey High Street are planning to make a worldwide best-selling book the centre of their Olympic celebrations next year. Dorking expects to welcome thousands of cycling fans from around the world when the London 2012 cycle road ra...
Read full storyPopulation reaches 7 billion
The Global Institute for the Management of Population (GIMP) have announced that the world's population has now reached 7 billion vermin (also known as humans). GIMP held a press conference today, wearing masks, and announced various ideas for reduci...
Read full storyRex Ryan Complains that Wes Welker's Statistics Should be Cut in Half
After defeating the San Diego Chargers in a thrilling comeback, New York Jets head coach, Rex Ryan, in a press conference refused to talk about his team's accomplishments on the field and instead garnered his sites on his division rival, the New Engl...
Read full storyWorld Series Game Six on the Verge of Being Canceled Due to Stolen Baseballs, Gets Saved by Local Guy
On the eve of the start of the game six of the 2011 World Series between the St. Louis Cardinals and Texas Rangers, to take place St. Louis, baseball officials were notified before the game that all the baseballs to be used during the game had been s...
Read full storyJohnny Depp Star of 'Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides' Reveals Why He Has Been Hitting The Bottle Pretty Hard Lately
HOLLYWOOD - The star of the Pirates of The Caribbean series Johnny Depp was recently seen in quite a drinking stupor at The Ha Ha Ha Lounge in Santa Monica. Depp who has been on and off the wagon perhaps more times than Ward Bond on the old TV wes...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Reportedly Ready To Dump Her Unemployed NBA Husband of Two Months Kris Humphries
HOLLYWOOD - The Kardashian Klan has been spending their Monday evenings and Tuesday evenings sitting in their assigned front row seats at Dancing With The Stars. The three big-butted KKK sisters, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney have been cheering on thei...
Read full storyTasmanian Termite Placed on the Endangered Species List
Washington DC: The US Fish and Wildlife Service (USFWS) has placed the Tasmanian termite on the endangered species list (ESL). These little buggers have illegally emigrated from Australia. Tasmanian termites, which are quite rare, are known as the...
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