All local businesses in Portsmouth to close

Funny story written by lukesams6

Thursday, 27 October 2011

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As of today, all locally owned businesses in Portsmouth are closed.

The permanent closure of Friendly's in Portsmouth has largely affected retails of all sizes, especially the small, independent and locally-owned shops that can't afford the bargain price breaks that bigger chains utilize.

Portsmouth has already lost Friendly's Ice Cream, Daddy's Junky Music, and many, many more stores and restaurants. There's no telling who's next.

"I was standing in line at my corner market, waiting to buy a can of broccoli and by the time I went outside the building, the place had become a Rite-Aid," Bramante said.

TheSpoof has joined forces with The Portsmouth Herald and they have finally decided to step up and do something about the problem.

"We're shutting down," says Robert Cook. "All of us."

Gone will be Brutti's East, Montgomery Grill, Lobscouser, and The Bier Garden, putting us into a city of Pizza Huts, Enterprise Rent-A-Cars, Mickey Dee's, and Exxons.

All other Portsmouth-based business are swiftly following suit, including every independently-owned local bar and restaurant.

Patrick Ellis agrees with the decision.

"Look, we can't give every ma and pa place a bailout," Barrett said at a press conference held Thursday to announce the closings.

"The demise of all locally-owned business will free up the time and energy of the owners and allow them to pump their money back into large corporate chains who have the wherewithal to withstand this recession."

When a constituent pointed out that, without their livelihood, these former business owners won't have much money to spend elsewhere, Ann Walker offered a solution

"People can buy clothing at Wal-Mart. People can buy their groceries at Wal-Mart. People can buy furniture supplies at Crockin's Furniture. And they can buy anything they need to entertain themselves -- CDs, DVDs, iPods, and Books -- at Wal-Mart. Come to think of it, we don't even really need Crockin's Furniture. You can get stuff like that at Wal-Mart."

Next on the slate of closures are all remaining non company-owned businesses in Portsmouth, including Queen Bees, Way Back Yonder Antiques, and Coffee Shoppe. However, it won't be easy to learn about these new closings, as all Portsmouth newspapers will cease to exist by Veterans Day.

Remaining media will be owned by Clear Channel Broadcasting and ABC News.

Locally, the Daily Press newspaper quietly shut its doors yesterday, but according to Patrick Ellis, "No one noticed or cared."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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