Apple wins Nobel Prize for Anthropology
NEW YORK CITY - In a rare feat, Apple Inc. won the Nobel Prize for Anthropology on Tuesday for its "discovery of being the fourth basic necessity for human survival" says the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences. The prize committee said that Apple...
Read full storyChelsea F.C Looking for new home
Chelsea Football club are looking into a move away from their Stadium Stamford Bridge and are looking to move into a new shithole in the next couple of years. This news has angered many fans who believe that a move to an even bigger shithole, than th...
Read full storyFat Lampard Eats a Salad
Chelsea Footballer Frank Fat Lampard has been spotted eating a salad. In what is to believed to be the first time ever. Lampard was spotted at a well known restaurant in Chelsea, with his fiancé Christine Bleakley, and said to have had a plate of...
Read full storyMI5 sued over new web site
MI5 is being taken to court over their new website, The Spook!, under breach of copyright with the satirical website The Spoof! "They've even got a red banger, I mean banner, at the top of the website," said Spoof website owner, Mark Lowton. "And...
Read full storyOh, Jesme, you married a tosspot...
London - The usual Basil Brush-ish chirpiness has suddenly vanished overnight Chez Renard et Femme Jesme. Graphic stuff about the UK Defence Secretary and a portly, sans-culottes buffoonish chap called Werritty have suddenly popped up in an Urania...
Read full storySenior citizens stoned after ingesting pot brownies, hauled off to hospital for no good reason
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif.--Three senior citizens attending a funeral reception sampled brownies that they'd never forget--or perhaps they have forgotten actually. Among the ingredients used in the brownies: medicinal marijuana. According to sources...
Read full storyTerrorists Using Pets as Bombs
A disturbing report from Homeland Security is claiming that US based terror cells are masquerading as animal lovers and pet owners purely to use their loyal and unsuspecting dogs, cats and gerbils as walking time bombs. The report, leaked to the W...
Read full storyEuromillion winners buy Chelsea FC!
Dedicated Chelsea fans and new Euromillionaires, Dave and Angela Dawes, have decided to invest their winnings by buying Chelsea FC from Roman Abramovich. They are so fanatic about the club and have only one desire; to make it British once again.
Read full storyThe Secrets of German Economic Success
As the European financial system collapses all around, there is one certainty - that the Germans will be ok. The German economy has stood proud with its moustache bristling for decades now, an economic miracle throughout bad times and good. So how has Germany managed to keep this up? I spoke to three economists to find out. Financier Goldie Goldstein thought the answer was obvious. "It's gold,"...
Read full storyThe Fan Who Threw The Hot Dog At Tiger Woods Has Been Charged With Assault With A 'Relished Weenie'
SAN MARTIN, California - The directors of The Frys.com Open Golf Tournament have expressed regret at the recent hot dog tossing incident which was directed at Tiger Woods. A spokesperson for the golf tournament Hoyt "Vermouth" Vermeisterson stated...
Read full storyHank Williams Jr. Spotted Snuggling Up To Amanda Knox At A Burger Bandit In Seattle
SEATTLE - Hank Williams Jr. said he felt very strange not hollering out his usual Monday night "Are You Ready For Some Football" signature question on ESPNs Monday Night Football. "Bocephus, as his daddy Hank Sr. nicknamed him, told Sports Territ...
Read full storyAtheist fundamentalists claim religious discrimination!
Children's author, evolution crackpot and atheist fundamentalist Richard Dawkins has been given the cold shoulder by the Wyndgate Country Club in Rochester Hills, Michigan. The club wants nothing to do with Dawkins atheist dogma and has cancelled the...
Read full storyDenuded nudes display needs new dudes
Vandals have destroyed hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of sculptures at the Liverpool Tate Modern. "We're devastated," said Tate Head of Acquisitions, Pauline Quirk. "These were tasteful nudes created by Tracy Emin. What these bastards have...
Read full storyPolitical Party Conference Recommended Music
As the Independent said: Yet again, the choice of music at annual party conferences has become a source of mirth, highlighting our elected representatives' inability to connect with popular culture, fashion, trends, or suitability. Amongst the music recommended as suitable by attendees at the Conservative Party conference were: 'Fiddler on the roof' - by Jerome Robbins 'Careless Whisper'...
Read full storyPhoenix Jones - Seattle Real Life Superhero Exposed As a Total Nerd
Self-styled Superhero Phoenix Jones, who was arrested Saturday in Seattle for assault has had his true identity revealed as Benjamin Fodor, age 23, a man who has no military training, no martial arts training and indeed has a criminal record containi...
Read full storyLatest 'Spooks' series cancels 'body-in-bag' episode amid fears over Werritty lookalike actor
London - Critics had already complained that the last episode's plotline was too close to the bone amid many unanswered questions about MI6 cryptographer Dr Gareth Williams' unexplained death. This morning the seventh and final Spooks offering was...
Read full storyBoredom claims its fifth victim
With the weather across Great Britain continuing to deteriorate, boredom with being stuck inside with depressing weather outside has claimed it's fifth victim of the weekend. "It's becoming an epidemic," said PC Bacup of the South Wales Police dep...
Read full storyAustralian Prime Minister evicted following rave party
Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard and her partner Tim Mathieson have been evicted from The Lodge, their official residence in Canberra, after hosting a rave party that got out of control causing millions of dollars of damage. "Me and Tim was...
Read full storySouth Korean army concerns over Arsenal injury record as Park scheduled for national service stint
Arsenal's poor injury record is raising concerns amongst South Korean army chiefs after it was revealed the club's summer signing, Park Chu-Young, would be expected to complete a 21-month stint of national service for the country. The 26-year-old...
Read full storyBlackberry users' fury at having to use phone to make phone calls
Millions of Blackberry owners across Europe have aired their disgust at being forced into communicating by speech after a server outage in Slough meant they were left having to depend on their scarcely functioning vocal chords, rather than Instant Me...
Read full storyShopping Centres Overrun By Happy Snappers
Shopping centres around the country were overrun by hundreds of flashers today. Snappy enthusiasts descended on the malls to pursue their hobby following the relaxation of rules banning photography. The excitement comes after Chris White was ch...
Read full storyHealth and safety investigating explosion at Manchester Food Festival
The Manchester Food and Drink Festival was rocked by an explosion and fireball late last night sending revellers running for safety and leaving three people hurt and dozens more traumatised. Health and Safety officials have moved in to identify th...
Read full storyInaudible Loud Dissonance (Part I)
Some poems by Homer, the Greek poet, (around 850 BC), contain accounts of the genesis of the world and the succession of divine rule etc. According to the doctrine of 'divine right to rule', a monarch or a despot derives his indisputable right to rule directly from God. According to some dead Persian poets, three essential elements are required to make a person a right king: bestowed divine gl...
Read full storyNBC Says That The Cancelled "Playboy Club" Will Be Replaced By "Celebrity Planking" Which Will Be Hosted By Kirstie Alley
LOS ANGELES - A spokesperson for NBC has stated that the network really hated cancelling the new show the Playboy Club but added that the viewership was extremely low. Chandler Chillmill, the NBC spokesperson noted that the shows premier only attr...
Read full storyPaul "Gold Mine" McCartney Marries Again And Explains Why
LONDON, England - Former Beatle Paul McCartney has married for a third time. And the new Mrs. Paul McCartney is American heiress Nancy Shevell, 51. Guests included Ringo Starr, Twiggy, Barbara Walters, Ron Wood, Angus T. Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Ro...
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