Icelandic Volcano Lands a Three-Picture Deal… Spielberg Signs Grimsvotn to Erupt with Laughter
An obscure Icelandic mountain has captured the imagination of Hollywood executives. The volcano Grimsvotn has been signed by a major studio to star in three feature films scheduled to be produced this year. "It's not everyday you find an artist wh...
Read full storyShylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part One
Shylock Humes was curled up in his chair like a coiled serpent. Why on earth he chose to have a piece of furniture shaped like a snake I had no idea. But that was my friend all over. His things were always all over the place. He used to leave his papers, smoking accoutrements and clothing lying all over the sitting room. Clutter was his middle name. Actually, it was Horatio, after the famous Admir...
Read full storyLocal Man's Wife Feeds Him Cucumber Sandwiches Hoping To Poison Him So She Can Go Looking For Johnny Depp
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today revealed that his long suffering wife has been feeding him exclusively on a diet of cucumber sandwiches, since it was revealed that some cucumbers could be laced with lethal quantities of the botulinus - or botuli...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Manhunt for Suicide Bomber Intensifies
Ryde - The shocking explosion set off by what police believe was a suicide bomber in a local mattress factory has set off one of the largest manhunts in recent memory to track down and apprehend the villain. News of the explosion has only surfaced...
Read full storyA Statement From The Minister For String
Good evening. "How long is a piece of string?" How long indeed? It's a question often on the lips of those searching for an answer to a knotty problem. A problem that they are struggling to unravel, to disentangle. And I have to say that it's a question I am asking you to consider tonight. "How long is a piece of string?" Of course, this is a complex matter, and does not lend itself to a sim...
Read full storyWednesday's solar eclipse threatens to scupper Queen's Derby hopes
London - Astrological glyphs for a sun/moon occultation have sprung up, crop circle-like, on Carlton House Terrace lawns ahead of Wednesday's Gemini solar eclipse. The 11 degrees Gemini phenomenon occurs at the best possible angle to the the plane...
Read full storyAbramovich exposed as Cockney con man
Rumours are spreading round the manor that Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich is a Sexton Blake. A snake at The Cash In Claw pub has coughed that the nonce's real moniker is Manny 'Rough' Diamond, a con man who operates from a lock up in Shepherd's...
Read full storyPippa Middleton Family To Market Justin Bieber Merchandise - Selena Gomez 'Not Bothered'
Teen Disney sensation Selena Gomez is reportedly "absolutely not bothered" by the revelation that Pippa Middleton's family are to market Justin Bieber merchandise on their family party products website. Despite insiders saying that Justin - worth...
Read full storyMalta Divorce Rate Goes Through The Roof
There were celebrations on the Mediterranean island of Malta this weekend, after the Maltese government lifted its ban on divorce, which led to an astronomical increase in the divorce rate. Of course, even just one divorce would have been an incre...
Read full storySharon Shoesmith Sticks Two Fingers Up At Public Opinion Again
Sharon Shoesmith, the former head of Haringey Child Services, sacked by Ed Balls over the tragic Baby P affair, once again appeared to stick two fingers up at public opinion, when she claimed that her department was not in disarray. Ms Shoesmith was exonerated of any blame for the tragic events in court on Friday, paving the way for a compensation claim on the grounds of unfair dismissal. Sh...
Read full storyEmbarrassed: RNC Admits Embryonic Stem Cell Effort to Clone Reagan
WASHINGTON DC (AP) In a press release issued late last night, the Republican National Committee confirmed rumors that it had been engaged in a covert embryonic stem cell research effort. According to the press release, the goal of the secret project...
Read full storyMessi's mum streaks naked across Wembley pitch!
After Barcelona's, alias, FC Messi's, thrashing of Man Utd a strange scene was caught on camera, Lionel Messi's mum (he loves her more than his girlfriend) was seen streaking naked across the Wembley pitch making a bee-line for her wonder son! She...
Read full storyFIFA Crisis Deepens
The controversy surrounding the world football's ruling body FIFA deepened with the news that 2 executive board members are facing further charges. Vice President Jack Warner, President of the Caribbean Football Association, is already facing char...
Read full storyPalin: "I thought The Rolling Thunder was a digestive problem!"
As Sarah Palin prepared to board her bus for the Rolling Thunder rally in Washington DC his morning, she was asked by a reporter if this was the start of her presidential campaign and was she worried about the possible entry of Michele Bachmann in the race. Palin replied: "There's nothing wrong with Michele B, maybe she's a little on the floozy side but, you know, some people go for that!" T...
Read full storyGary Neville calls Barcelona "a team of midgets"
Politically incorrect TV pundit Gary Neville is back on the naughty step again. The outspoken ex footballer has called Barcelona "a team of midgets" The FA have received scores of complaints from short people with the hump. Spokesman Loft...
Read full storyOffside shagging karma blamed as Man U Champions bid flops
Wembley - Traces of a karmic impotence whoremoan may have done for Man U a postmortem on Saturday night's game has found. Random testing of players found depleted dopamine levels before the match consistent with 'getting an earful from the Missus'...
Read full storySlow News Day: Killer Cukes, Horse Herpes Outbreak, Barcelona Wins. ZZZZ!
With only one pool reporter assigned to handle emerging news over the weekend, that man, who can not be named, found nothing of Pulitzer Prize note was worthy of reporting on, unless of course like the New York Times one could make something up.
Read full storyMessi - We Could Have Scored Ten
Barcelona superstar, Lionel Messi - rated by many as the best player in the world - shrugged off suggestions that Barcelona's 3-1 Champions League Final victory over Manchester United had been a hard fought contest. The diminutive Argentinian geni...
Read full storyHiggs Boson Particle Disappointment
Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider at Cern, near Geneva thought they had hit the jackpot last month in their search for the elusive Higgs Boson particle, which is believed to give everything in the universe mass. Rumours have been circulating...
Read full storyWorrying Survey Results For Labour Party
A recent nation wide survey has produced worrying results for Ed Milliband and the Labour Party. An Ipsos Mori poll commissioned amongst Labour voters has revealed that the party is an even worse state than previously feared. 55% of those polle...
Read full storySir Alex Joins Forces With Cheryl Cole
After the ritual humiliation Man Utd suffered at the hands of Barcelona in the Champions League final, Sir Alex Ferguson is changing career at the ripe old age of 69. Having seen his beloved side, carefully crafted through the years, being dismant...
Read full storyDoes Anybody not Have An Air of Mendacity?
Through crimson cracked eyes peering over puffy red cheeks, Senator Meisterfibber, wearily observed the members of the press, quietly settling down about him. He stood languidly on the podium. His head, set on heavy round shoulders, wavered ever so slightly to and fro. It's very top perched two inches and six feet higher than the soles of his feet. Holding his right arm, stiff and straight...
Read full storyCole Thrown Off X Factor
Carlton Cole, famous West Ham striker has been sent packing by X Factor because his team, West Ham United, have been relegated to the Championship. West Ham fans were visibly distressed staggering up the Boleyn Road on Saturday night as they heard...
Read full storyKarma in New York Ghetto
NEW YORK - A woman who enjoyed threatening her neighbors with a vicious mastiff dog never realized that her life was being governed by the Hindu God "Lord Krishna." Krishna is the bringer of Karma and like Santa Clause he visited the Graham home on...
Read full storyMan Utd Caught Out By Pace - Messi Explains Relentless Tempo
European Champions League winner Lionel Messi took time out from Barcelona's celebrations last night to explain the relentless pace of the scintillating final at Wembley. Barca ran out worthy 3-1 winners with goals by Pedrito, Messi and Villa. Roo...
Read full storyMan Utd Defeated by Barca: Surprisingly Not Funny Says Expert
Manchester Utd were obliged to defer to the superiority of Barcelona in the European Champions League final at Wembley. Barca were worthy 3-1 winners in normal time with a brilliant display of running, passing, pressing... United just could not li...
Read full storyNew Game Developed with Nottingham Scenario
Multi-National company Zim-Sity, are to produce a Nottingham scenario for their new Zim-Sity Simulation Game, due for release later this year. N Erdmann, Sim-Sity's senior developer quoted: "We realised that Nottingham has the fastest growing unem...
Read full storyOprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters Are Feuding Over Who Will Be The First To Interview Pippa Middleton
CHICAGO - The two biggest interviewers in the nation are starting to carry on over which one will be the first to interview the world's most famous maid of honor, Pippa Middleton. Pippa, the sister of Kate Middleton, aka The Duchess of Cambridge,...
Read full storyLuckheed Martian in cyber attack
WASHINGTON (Rooters) - Luckheed Martian Corp has been hit by a cyberspace attack, confidential sources said on Sunday. Sources said the Defense Department had offered to help gauge the scope of the "cyberspace attack." It became clear what kin...
Read full storyLocal Man Wins 100 Watt LED Lightbulb
Brendan Turnbull,56,couldn't believe his eyes when he read the last four digits of the raffle ticket he bought at the Make-A-Threat Foundation's charity picnic. He had Just won a 100 watt LED light bulb. A prize worth a whopping $17,000 dollars. T...
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