Confectionery Thief Gets Life
A man who stole a packet of Munchies from a major UK supermarket chain will spend the rest of his life behind bars. After a somewhat unnecessary twelve day trial at the Old Bailey, David Francis, 27, was said to have committed "a deliberate and t...
Read full storyMind your cliche'
The 'dumbing down' of the English language has never been so apparent as it is in the sporting world today and the particular examples used by football commentators whose cliches stumble over other cliches illustrate the point. In fact, early doors, the language of the colloquial was used in sporting headlines to aid recognition and a sense of pride amongst fans but at the end of the day, Andy...
Read full storyQueen Elizabeth Orders Kate Middleton To Lose Four Pounds Or She Is Calling The Royal Wedding Off
LONDON - With the Royal Wedding date fast approaching Queen Elizabeth is really starting to show her royal majestic claws so to speak. Tickety Boo News is reporting that her Highness was recently sitting in one of the many 'sitting rooms' located...
Read full storyBeware The Ides Of March Cameron Is Told
London - Police bugging operations on illicit Red Top mobile hackers have unearthed a massive conspiracy to make Nick Clegg UK Prime Monster. As a result from Monday all visitors to 10 Downing Street will have to pass knife detector equipment amid...
Read full storyJim Tressel gets tattoo
In protest of his recent suspension imposed by the university, Ohio State head football coach Jim Tressel has decided have his first tattoo. The tattoo is a scarlet and gray printing of the 8-2 lifetime won-loss record he achieved against Michigan...
Read full storyIsle of Wight to be split in two
The Parliamentary Voting and Constituencies Bill has now received Royal Assent and as a result, the Isle of Wight will have two constituencies instead of one. The Electoral Commission will now decide on which basis the island will be split. Previo...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Is Very Angry At Her Ex-Husband Ashley Cole's "Air Gun" Incident
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Cheryl Cole spoke with a reporter for USA DAYBREAK from the swimming pool of her boyfriend Derek Hough's Hollywood Hills mansion, Casa Cha Cha Cha. She remarked that she is quite upset at the recent incident that her ex-husband...
Read full story"Tom Brady's haircut is so gay," say millions of fans who wish Tom Brady played for their team
EVERYWHERE - NFL fans have expressed contempt and derision of Tom Brady, New England Patriots quarterback, for his new ponytail haircut. Polls indicate the overwhelming majority of criticism of Brady's hairstyle comes from people who desperately wish...
Read full storyBattle Of The Giants - Manchester's Finest To Slug It Out In Wembley Semi-Final
It's just been confirmed that Manchester giants, Manchester United and Manchester City are to slug it out in a head to head at Wembley in the FA Cup Semi-Final. City confirmed the news after a 1-0 victory over Reading, courtesy of A Micah Richards...
Read full storySheep Saves Farmer's Wardrobe
There was a heartwarming story today from the village of Snuffington near Leeds where Farmer, Jasper Hollyoaks, 57 avoided a potential wardrobe disaster. Reporter Emma Dale explained how the story unfolded. 'Jasper asked Wooly, one of his main...
Read full storyFuck The Royal Wedding campaign takes over Clapham Common
London - London's famous Clapham Common will host the official Fuck The Royal Wedding! campsite amid popular demand. Over 250,000 are expected to amass at the South London park which will be transformed into a 'sea of tents and protest bunting' fo...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan Form new Labor Union
Beverly Hills, CA - Charlie Sheen has done it again. Just when you think his last play has been revealed, he produces another trick. Today he announced that, in partnership with Lindsey Lohan and Robert Downey Jr., a new labor union "SSAG" (Screwed-u...
Read full storyRicky Gervais Wants To Go Out On A Date With Lindsay Lohan And Sample What Her Mama Gave Her
DES MOINES, Iowa - Comedian Ricky Gervais was in Iowa speaking at the annual convention of The Iowa Corn Casserole Council. Gervais, was a big hit at this year's Golden Globe Award Show where he skewered everyone from Johnny Depp and Angelina Joli...
Read full storyFuck The Royal Wedding campaign gathers momentum
London - Royal humbug refuseniks have organised themselves into a Fuck The Royal Wedding! group in a bid to disrupt obsequious Kate & William nuptials sycophancy. T-shirts, posters, stickers and i-Phone Apps are being churned out to cater to t...
Read full storyLondon Probation Truss community payback scheme to daub anti-royal wedding graffiti on Tube station tunnels
London - In a classic 'Romans Go Home' moment a gang of ex-cons has offered to daub London Tube tunnels with Fuck The Royal Wedding graffiti. They are said to be outraged at a Westmonster City Council rival scheme to use day-release offenders to s...
Read full storyDangerous, demented, Danny
Police in Inverness have collected a middle aged man, with ginger hair, from the Bus Station in Inverness. Locals waiting for their buses had become alarmed at the increasingly bizarre behaviour of the man. "He appeared to be carrying a House o...
Read full storyMobile phone hacking row: was Jill Dando's phone bugged?
London - The mystery of TV girl's unsolved killing took another bizarre twist this week. Private eye Jonathan Rees' acquittal of the 1987 axe murder of former business partner Daniel Morgan threw up tantalising details of his corrupt empire. Th...
Read full storyMoore To Play Palin
Roger Moore is to play Michael Palin in the former Monty Python's life story, production of which is to begin later this year. 84 year old Moore, famous for his long running TV series "The Saint" and his 7 films from 1973 to 1985 as James Bond, is...
Read full storyGagged: Red Tops mobile hacking spree sought Jeffrey Epstein/Princess Eugenie paternity test results
London - A super-injunction obtained by the Queen forbids any mention of it. Nor any reference to forensick (sic) analysis of the Princess' Royal Truss Fund credits. But moves under Parliamentary Privilege next week will seek to establish if fa...
Read full storyMel Gibson Arrested After Slinging Waffles in All-Night Pancake House
Police were called to a local pancake house for a disturbance involving Mel Gibson. Upon arrival, officers witnessed an excitable Gibson throwing pieces of waffle from the tip of his fork at people in the restaurant and yelling "I wouldn't feed this...
Read full storyExclusive: Dozen Tea Party Members Fall from Sky
Today on Fox News, the Nationwide Tea Party Coalition explained the reasons behind the sight of a dozen of its members falling from the sky near Roswell, New Mexico. Spokesman Christian Wright said, "It had nothing to do with an alien attack, althou...
Read full storyUK gay couple cause bomb scare at Heathrow, it was in his pink handbag!
After a slight altercation at home, a gay man stormed out of the place with a bulging handbag threatening to blow up Heathrow. The man (?) a 72 year old pensioner was last seen rushing towards the airport and could be easily identified because of the...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen Agrees To Star In A New Reality Show Titled, "Help I'm A Bi-Polar Celebrity...Get Me and Me Out Of Here!"
SHERMAN OAKS - Charlie Sheen had just finished shooting his latest edition of his Internet show titled Sheen's Korner when he took time out to speak with a reporter for The Tinsel Town Times Tribune. Sheen asked Cashew Vixenheimer if she wanted a glass of Tiger Blood. She respectfully informed him that she had just had a 16 ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi on the way to his mansion. Cashew asked S...
Read full storyJapanese quake has surprising benefits
Tokyo - Chief Cabinet Secretary Yuk E. Dano told told reporters at a press conference this afternoon that radioactive materials released from Japanese reactors are not harmful to human health. "It's like our rice. Our rice does not make you fat. Just look at our people. Like our rice, our radioactive materials are good for you. They make you healthy. People pay a lot of money to get radiat...
Read full storyAmazing New Inventions Revealed
A series of fantastic new inventions are appearing in the shops that will not only save time for busy individuals but will also improve their quality of life. A shower powered FM radio, that is fitted between the water supply and the shower hose,...
Read full storyConcern Expressed Over Councils Absence Levels
Councils the length and breadth of the country are steeling themselves for soaring absence levels as a direct result of savage cuts in expenditure. In the wake of the Coalition Government's instructions to town halls to reduce spending in all aspe...
Read full storyMel Gibson In Plea Deal Over Battery
Actor and director Mel Gibson has pleaded "no contest" to a misdemeanour battery charge in Malibu, California, and has been put on probation for 6 months. The troubled Gibson, who has been troubled by alcohol issues for many years, admitted "wilfu...
Read full storyBerlusconi Trial Suspended
The trial of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, scheduled for April 1st, has been suspended indefinitely following the news that the Premier had suffered a nervous breakdown and had been admitted to a secure mental health facility. Berlusco...
Read full storyThe Milwaukee Brewers Announce They Are Moving Out Of Wisconsin Because Of Governor Scott "The Emperor" Walker
MILWAUKEE - Governor Scott Walker's 'Anti-Union Bill' has already turned around and bit him on his, to use an old baseball term, ass. Governor Walker, who many Wisconsin residents have said has taken the liberty of self-appointing himself the "Emp...
Read full storyJohnny Knoxville and Mel Gibson on Tap to Play the New Three Stooges
Johnny Knoxville, star of Jackass, has agreed to play the role of Moe in the new Fox Studios movie, The Three Stooges. "He's perfect for the part," claims Bobby Farrelly, who, together with his brother, Peter, is in the process of casting for their u...
Read full storyTodd Palin Expresses Concern About His Wife Sarah - He Says She Told Him She Saw The Japanese Earthquake From Their Front Porch
WASILLA, Alaska - The husband of the former governor of Alaska has stated that he is really starting to get worried about the mental and emotional state of his wife. Todd Palin spoke to a reporter for USA DAYBREAK and said that the day after the 8.9 earthquake hit Japan, his wife was in the kitchen cooking some chicken fried moose balls. Todd was sitting in the living room reading The Wasill...
Read full storyBolton Man Fined For Littering By Laying Flowers On Town Hall Steps - Claimed It Was A Tribute To The Victims Of Every Disaster That Ever Occurred
Bolton man, Vernon Birch (not to be confused with the one who played the wah-wah guitar on the late Isaac Hayes' 'Theme From Shaft') was fined £50 today by Bolton magistrates after placing a bunch of cheap supermarket flowers on the town hall steps,...
Read full storyFit wealthy people to face certain death
New research has revealed that people who undertake fitness routines and who observe careful diets are at least as likely to die as people who smoke, are obese, or both. This is especially true if they are also loaded. James Ward, professor of uns...
Read full storyColonel Ghaddafi announces cease fire
Tripoli, Libya - Libyan Strongman/Dictator Muamar Ghaddafi surprised the international community today by claiming to call for a cease fire and military stand down, and expressing surprise and amusement at the uproar over his civil war to retain powe...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen's Fifteen Minutes of Fame has Fizzled
Sure, Charlie Sheen was a big star at the height of his career. And sure, he made a hit out of the show Two and a Half Men. But when you have that much fame, piss it all away on drugs and booze, and then try to keep the star thing going, you have to, at some point say "Hey, that guy's 15 minutes are up." Such is the case with Charlie Sheen. He tried to keep it going even after losing his wife,...
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