Confectionery Thief Gets Life

Funny story written by mattymc13

Sunday, 13 March 2011


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An artist's depiction of Judge Planet's bench

A man who stole a packet of Munchies from a major UK supermarket chain will spend the rest of his life behind bars.

After a somewhat unnecessary twelve day trial at the Old Bailey, David Francis, 27, was said to have committed "a deliberate and thoughtless act of Nestle treason" by presiding and salivating judge, Arthur Planet.

The decision was branded "a tragic miscarriage of justice" by Francis' defence lawyer, and he ran the risk of being in contempt of court by accusing the judge of being "blinded by the thought of milk chocolate and caramel with a biscuit centre." It is a view shared by many others in the court over the twelve day period.

Spectator Dave Smith described the case as "corrupt, unfair, and a total farce." He also described how the judge adjourned the case at completely spontaneous moments just so a cleaner could come in and mop up the massive puddles of drool that had accumulated around the gavel.

"It happened once on the first day, and got progressively worse from there. By the fourth day he didn't even use his voice to halt proceedings. He just sighed and wandered off, sometimes clicking his fingers in the direction of the cleaner."

This isn't the first time Judge Planet has been swamped in controversy. In 2006 he didn't turn up to the trial of Salim Patel - a man accused of burglary - because the Judge had concluded he was guilty "just by looking at him."

And in 2009 Judge Planet offended women the world over when he tuned into an episode of Neighbours whilst Barbara Thomas described her horrific rape ordeal.

There is no doubt Francis will appeal, which will come as terrible news for the judge, who was said to be delighted at the prospect of himself "getting his hands on the evidence."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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