Written by El Capitaz

Sunday, 13 March 2011

image for Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan Form new Labor Union
TV. Good enough to drown out the voices in your head.

Beverly Hills, CA - Charlie Sheen has done it again. Just when you think his last play has been revealed, he produces another trick. Today he announced that, in partnership with Lindsey Lohan and Robert Downey Jr., a new labor union "SSAG" (Screwed-up Screen Actors Guild) had been formed. 

Hollywood observers say this new organization has the potential to be a new industry powerhouse, rivaling the studios and agencies. "If these freaks all get together, it's a game changer" said an LA Times editor "There's so damn many of them nowadays."

In a rambling ninety minute tirade online, Sheen delivered the groups Manifesto. He said in part "The Warlock is reinventing reality. I reached out like any beautiful human being would to my sister Lindsey Lohan, and as we were talking it was like suddenly clear. Who speaks for us? Just because we're superstar gods and goddesses, ninja wizards and sorceresses, does that mean we always have to fight the little petty tyrants alone? Sure, we can get the best lawyers money can buy, but where's the juice? We're more special than that." 

Sheen went on to explain that although the idea was his, he has deferred leadership to Robert Downey Jr. "Compared to a regular mortal, my life had been mind glowingly unimaginable. But in the pantheon of super DNA hit man rock stars, I'm still a puppy badass warlock. Ten more lifetimes and I go to the next level. But we have had such support. Everyone wants to join up. Were getting like, crazy calls. I mean all the usual suspects were on board right away, everyone from Tom Cruise to Danny Bonaduce. But we get calls from from politicians, athletes, musicians, anyone who ever appears in the media, and they're all welcome. And our army of coke snorting super performing soldiers are gonna shake up all the little people, the haters and skaters, the parasites living off our charisma."

According to Charlie, membership in SSAG will include umbrella insurance for any drug charges, weapons charges, shoplifting, and of course assault and battery protection and a no rehab provision. 

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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