Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Saturday, 16 July 2011

image for Banker Wars Part IV: A New Hope Part I

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

It was a time of economic panic and great market uncertainty. Attacked from all sides by angry mobs, bank traders were scattered throughout the galaxy. Everywhere they went, they had to cope with misguided individuals who blamed them for everything, and the Empire which wrongly sought to punish them for perceived crimes.

Meanwhile, Luke Stockholder was a simple money farmer on the desert planet of Tatooine. He lived with his uncle and aunt working with options and derivatives, but Luke was always dreaming of greater investment opportunities.

One day, he bought two risk management droids named R2-Default and C3-Ponzi from passing traders. As he was cleaning R2-Default, a strange holographic message appeared out of the robot. The message showed a woman requesting help, "Help me, OB-1, you're my only hope!" but the droid refused to show any more except to the person to whom the message was addressed.

Luke thought the message might be intended for Old Ben Commodities, a mysterious man who lived in caves nearby. He asked his uncle about Old Ben. His uncle suddenly got angry and replied, "That old man is just a crazy old day trader. Tomorrow I want you to take that R2 unit into town and have its memory flushed."

But Luke decided to ignore his uncle and the next day he set out to try to find OB-1 with his robot. It wasn't long before they found him.

"Hello, OB-1," said Luke.

"OB-1? Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

"Is that not your real name?"

"No, it's just that I haven't spoken to anyone in twenty years."

"I have a message for you, within the memory of this droid."

He gave the droid a kick, and it played the full message. The hologram of the woman appeared again, and said, "OB-1, years ago you served my father in the Credit Crunch. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I have placed information vital to the survival of the bankers into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. Help me, OB-1 Commodities, you're my only hope."

OB-1 explained to Luke about the Empire. "They have an irrational hatred of bankers," he said. "They believe in rash spending and racking up huge debts, not in saving and investing. But they are hypocritical fools, because they live in luxury paid for by their own astute investments."

He went on to tell Luke about the Jedi Knights, the guardians of investment in the galaxy before being wiped out by the Empire. "The Jedi get their power from the Market-Force. The Market-Force binds together all the money in the galaxy. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It keeps the economy flowing. The Jedi way is a balance between investment and risk - you must be a light saver. But you must also beware the dark side of the Market-Force."

OB-1 paused, then said, "Your father was a great Jedi hedge fund manager. But he got too greedy and was taken by the dark side. He was betrayed and killed by Darth Tax-evader."

Luke had a lot to think about, but he agreed to help the old man reach Alderaan, as he thought there might be some money to be made.

Read the next part of this thrilling adventure...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Banks

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more