Hairy Porter and the Deaf Leaf Gatherer Part 1

Funny story written by armfeetandtoe

Saturday, 16 July 2011


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Hairy Porter arrives at Hinge and Bracket Hall

Hairy Porter entered the gates of Hinge and Bracket Hall. The school had a long history in the world of magic and myth, producing some of the worlds greatest tricksters and wizards. On a plaque, Hairy read the names of some well known old boys and girls, that he hoped to aspire too.

Sir Robert Maxwell, Jeffrey Archer, William Clinton, Margret Thatcher, Winnie Mandela to name but a few.

Hairy was dizzy with excitement at the prospect of becoming a Grand Wizard and one day owning his own bank like his cousin Lehman, and, being the first white president of Somalia, like his Uncle Bacarrac O'Barmy.

Hairy sat on the bench in reception, seated next to him, was a very petite young lady. "Are you a new wag?", Enquired Hairy. "I'm not a hag you four eyed prick!", retorted the young lady. "No!", Cried Hairy, "I said are you a new WAG!". "Sorry", replied the young lady, '"I'm a bit mut an jeff in my left ear, my name is Hogmonay, whats yours?". Hairy extended his hand, it was a trick he had learnt from Penn and Teller. "My name is Hairy Porter, I'm new here, this will be my first term".

Their conversation was interrupted by the presence of a tall man dressed entirely in black. "Fuck me", whispered Hogmonay, "Its Zorro!". Hairy moved uneasily, "Prunes for breakfast", he whispered back to Hogmonay.

The man in black spoke. "My name, is Syphillis Snake, you will be under my tutelage from this day hence, so have a care, and learn quickly!"

Hogmonay turned to Hairy, "What the fuck is he on about?".

"About £50,000 a year I would think" replied Hairy.

Syphillis spoke again. "Go straight to your rooms and unpack, meet with the other swots, and be in the dinning hall before the pubs close". Syphillis, with a swirl of his cape, was gone, vanished into thin air.

"I think he's a poof" Said Hogmonay. "I need to change my pants", replied Hairy.

The two friends made their way up the grand staircase, it seemed to go on for miles and miles. After what seemed an eternity, they reached the top.

"Why didn't we use the fuckin lift!?" Asked Hogmonay.

"I suffer with motion sickness", replied Hairy.

"That motion you passed on the way up made me fukin sick, change your pants you dirty bastard!" Retorted Hogmonay.

"I do wish you would stop swearing Hogmonay", pleaded Hairy, "This is a children's book".

"Children's book!" Cried Hogmonay, "Your having a fuckin laugh! Murder, fights, hideous monsters, perverts in strange costumes, explosions, if this isn't an advert for the effects of LSD, I don't fuckin know what is!".

"Point taken" replied Hairy. "Shall we go to the dinning hall and meet the other students?"
"Unless you got the money to go to the pub, or buy some dope, its all there is to do", replied Hogmonay.

The two friends made thier way down the long staircase to the dining hall, as they entered, their breath was taken away by the shear size of the place, and the hundreds of Asian waiters serving at tables.

"What an adventure this was going to be", thought Hairy.

"What a shit hole this place is", thought Hogmonay.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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