Irish Descended From Potato-Growing Polar Bears, Claims Study
In what has been described as "an historic breakthrough", a new scientific study has revealed that the Irish people are the descendants of an ancient race of exploring Polar Bears, who were the first species to cultivate the potato. The study - wh...
Read full storySober as a Judge
The perennially popular idiom "Sober as a Judge" was put under the spotlight by the Idiom Police, a lesser known division of the Literary Squad in Lincoln. "A lot of drunk people use the phrase," said Detective Charles Loche. "We need to know how...
Read full storyKiller Banana Splits After Attacking Gorilla In Ohio
Police in Ohio are searching for what witnesses claim is a giant banana they say jumped out of the bushes and viciously attacked a gorilla doing a promo for a Wireless Phone Center. The manager of the store said that he noticed a banana lurking in...
Read full storyCasey Anthony Juror Shocked to Hear People Say the Jury Had No Common Sense
Almost a week after the Casey Anthony verdict, juror number 3, also known as Jennifer Ford, 32, a nursing student at St. Petersburg College, told Paineful News that she is shocked to hear they all lack common sense. "I first heard it mentioned aft...
Read full storyHarper Seven? Really?
Startling revelations have come to light over David and Victoria Beckham's choice of name for their new baby daughter, Harper Seven. It has been revealed that the Beckhams initially wanted to call their new daughter 'Flautist'. However, they thoug...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Is Reportedly Out To Steal Jennifer Aniston's Boyfriend Justin Theroux
NEW ORLEANS - Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt brought their half dozen children to the Big Easy to get away from the hustle and bustle of their hometown Provence, France. And while Brad was treating the kids to some Fun Meals at a local Burger Bandit...
Read full storyNorthampton Residents Up In Arms Over Mystery Blonde
The nationwide quest to get to the bottom of the mystery blonde conundrum has upset the people of Northampton. The woman has been sighted at various locations around the country, but Northamptoners are annoyed that she has not appeared in their to...
Read full storyUS Holds $800m in Pakistani Military Aid; 25,000 NY Cab Drivers Bring City to Standstill in Protest!
In a massive retaliation to the US government withholding $800m in military aid to Pakistan, NYC cabdrivers staged a noon day walkout leaving the city snarled in a massive traffic jam. The increased traffic threatened to shut down Wall Street and cau...
Read full storyEngland crash out of Robot World Cup
"RoboCup 2011", the football World Cup for robots, is being held in Istanbul this month. Geeks and nerds from all over the world have gathered here to watch mechanical contraptions try to kick a ball with all the skill of the human Scotland team.
Read full storyThe Beckhams and Harper's bizarre
Little Harper Seven Beckham has arrived. People are commenting on the unusual name as being a bit bizarre but had the little girl been named Ann or Linda, she would have grown up with a complex because her three big brothers have weird names. Her future would have been filled with wonder - wondering why she had such an ordinary named. She would feel an outsider within her own family and most...
Read full story"Eric Cantor is my name, sacrifice is my game!"
Congressman Eric Cantor held a news conference this morning at the Washington Golf & Country Club (established 1894) to announce his opposition to raising the US debt ceiling. It was a beautiful setting in one of the areas most exclusive clubs as...
Read full storyMurdoch 'could go bust like Robert Maxwell' - report
London - A rollercoaster ride to the St Swithun's Day Full Moon this Friday could see the media magnate go belly-up just like the Trinity Mirror ex-proprietor. Influential business journal the Hole-in-the-Wall Street Journal sources today question...
Read full storyLuka Modric 'stitched up like a kipper' by Spurs
Luka Modric has demanded a move to 'big' club Chelsea after a gentleman's agreement he shared with Tottenham owner Daniel Levy was stolen from Harry Redknapp's office. "I've turned the gaff upside down and can't find it nowhere" said a bemused Har...
Read full storyHigh School Musical 4: Obama Thought He Was Running for Class President!
As the US economy continues to fizzle amidst contentious debates and diatribes drawn along party lines in the US, one thing about the Obama presidency has been made abundantly clear, being the President of the world's largest and most powerful country is not the same as being elected to the high school class presidency! We all know the popular class president from our school days, the kid who...
Read full storyHarper Seven-Of-Nine?
Los Angeles - Her uncanny facial resemblance to Borg family collective sportsman Bjorn has had tongues wagging for decades. And yesterday the Caeserian section birth of Victoria Beckham's daughter Harper Seven-of-Nine reignited conspiracy theories...
Read full storyMet Police launches 101 number for non-urgent calls
Police in London are launching a phone number for calls that do not require an urgent response. I tried the system out today to see how it worked. The call went something like this. 101 Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring,…………………………………………….ring ring. Hello, you are through to the police non emergency help line; please select one of the following options. If you see someone breaking into a...
Read full storyNew daughter for the Beckhams
Victoria and David Beckham, or Dumb and Dumber as they have become affectionately referred to, have announced the safe arrival of their new baby daughter. Maris Piper Kleenex George Formby P60 Drainage Meninges Have I got News for You Beckham was...
Read full storyThe world is not as old as we thought
This is the shock new revelation coming from the American Creationist's Movement (ACM). According to the ACM the world is only 6000 years old. This is in stark contrast to scientists claims that the world is in fact closer to being between four and five billion years old. Scientists, (whom the ACM believe only exist as tools of Satan to disprove the existence God), have based their evidence on...
Read full storyNew A3 Tunnel Will Not Open
Following the failure of an emergency services test recently, it has been revealed that the new £155,000 a metre tunnel under Hindhead's iconic Devil's Punchbowl will now never be opened. A recent "crash test" revealed that the drainage for the ne...
Read full storyCosmetics Manufacturer Admits 'We Don't Even Know Who's In Our Advert'
In an official statement that is set to shock the advertising world to it's core, Italian cosmetics giants Newtro-Gina have at last admitted they don't actually know themselves, who stars in their adverts. For years viewers around the world have t...
Read full storyOnline News Readers Left Feeling Confused
Readers of online news sites, such as the Spoof, or the now defunct NOTW-Online have been left confused and annoyed by the lack of editorial checking over external hyperlinks on stories. "Many of the stories have hyperlinks that go to the wrong pl...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston Showed So Much Skin In 'Horrible Bosses' That Ex-Husband Brad Pitt Made A Very Interesting Comment
LOS ANGELES - Jennifer Aniston turned into a brunette for her latest role in Horrible Bosses in which she portrays Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S. and she definitely shot some great big holes in the old adage that 'blondes have more fun.' Aniston, who is...
Read full story'Transformers: Dark Side of The Moon' Is A Tremendous Hit - Megan Fox Is Absolutely Furious
HOLLYWOOD - The nation's number one movie is Steven Spielberg's Transformers: Dark Side of The Moon. The film which stars Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is doing so well that the movie executives are already planning on...
Read full storyOrgasm App Now Available for i-Phone
San Jose, CA - Need an orgasm? There's now an app for that. Jeremy Johnson, 25, computer software writer, was talked into writing an orgasm app after years of his girlfriend complaining about his lack of being able to please her as much as she woul...
Read full storySpoof! Attacked by Murdoch Bullies
Following the blanket attacks by Spoof! writers on the Murdochs Evil Empire, this reporter can reveal that the Lowton brothers were put under intense pressure by one of the bullies who work for the Muckdocs. Benjamin Lowton, currently in a Somali jail, actually no he has joined the Somali pirates-sorry, our mistake- was phoned up and someone offered to pay his ransom money. He replied that he w...
Read full storyLady Gaga Reveals The Amazing Name She Has Given To Her Vibrator
TOPEKA, Kansas - Lady Gaga had come to visit the largest covered wagon museum in the United States. The museum which is run by the group known as The Descendants of The Wayward Pioneers houses a total of 53 authentic covered wagons, many with auth...
Read full storyThe Casey Anthony Bobblehead Dolls Have All Been Taken Off The Market
CHICAGO - The Hasbroken Toy Company of Chicago has stated that due to the millions of complaints that they have received they will immediately be taking all Casey Anthony Bobblehead Dolls off the Market. A spokesperson for the giant toy company Da...
Read full storyJuror Number Three Shocked to Hear People Say the Jury Had No Common Sense
Almost a week after the Casey Anthony verdict, juror number 3, also known as Jennifer Ford, 32, a nursing student at St. Petersburg College, told Paineful News that she is shocked to hear they all lack common sense. "I first heard it mentioned aft...
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