Lindsay Lohan: Betty Ford's Jewelry Theft Classes Helped Me Quit Drugs!

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Friday, 4 February 2011

image for Lindsay Lohan: Betty Ford's Jewelry Theft Classes Helped Me Quit Drugs!

Screwed-up-as-a-soup-sandwich former actress Linsday Lohan has her head in a fog, but it is a combination of brain damage and vocational passion that're making her loopy these days, and she has Betty Ford to thank: The rehab center's new "Jewelry Theft" classes are what got Lilo clean and sober.

"Apparently the jewelry theft class really affected Lindsay: it was something she thought she would enjoy, be good at, and would replace acting for her as a w2ay to make money," said Dr. Drew "Do No Harm" Pinsky, who is nonplussed that he didn't get to exploit LiLo's recovery. "Mazel tov."

Finally returning one of Harvey Levin's phone calls, law enforcement sources told TMZ that the owner of ShiksaBling, an L.A. jewelry store, filed a police report claiming that a "skanky homeless person who looked like Linsday Lohan" stole a $2,500 necklace, and the crime was caught on tape during the filming of Fox's new shock-video special "When Good Firecrotches Go Bad."

Surveillance video shows Lindsay in the store, wearing the necklace before it disappeared, although it's unclear if the video actually shows Lindsay walking out of the store with the jewelry.

Cops got a warrant to search Lindsay's home, but one of Lindsay's "associates" turned the piece over to the cops.

And now the Los Angeles District Attorney is probably gonna give her a free pass.

"We have found little evidence to support a charge of grand larceny against Ms. Lohan," said LA DA Mark Furman. "Which is no different than May 2008, when she stole a fur coat from Masha Markova, a twenty-two year old Columbia University coed."

"Nor it is different than May 2008, when Lauren Hastings claimed Lohan stole clothes from her closet during a party thrown by her housesitter. Or June 2009, when she was accused of stealing jewelry that was loaned to her while shooting for Elle magazine in London."

"Or in August, 2009, when the jewels she had on loan from XIV Karats were stolen from her safe. Or in October, 2009, when it was reported that Lindsay made off with some jewels and accessories from Arielle de Pinto's showroom in Paris, or in April, 2010, when she was named a suspect in a stolen Rolex watch case, o in June 2010, when she was sued by an LA boutique for stealing $16,000 worth of designed clothes."

"These were clearly 10 or 12 dreadful mistakes."

"Felonies don't stick to me, stick to me, stick to me," sang an elated Linsday, to the tune of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'. "Felonies don't stick to me 'cause I live in L.A.!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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