THOUSAND OAKS, California - After two years of losing every golf tournament he entered Eldrick Tont Woods AKA Tiger Woods has finally felt how it feels to be a winner again instead of the loser he had become.
The man whose his ex-wife Elin Nordegren referred to as the "Dick With Feet" won the Chevron World Challenge on the 18th hole after the leader Zach "Achoo" Johnson developed a sneezing attack that caused him to miss his shots.
Woods got so excited he tossed his black cap in the air, he took off his black vest and threw it into the crowd, and he started unbuttoning his red shirt. He stopped realizing that he was on the golf course and not in some fancy hotel with some white blonde woman.
Tiger was asked by Ogelthorpe Ogeltree of Sports Territory Magazine how it felt to once again be a winner instead of the lousy loser he had been for the past two years.
Woods shook his head and said that he really never looked upon himself as a lousy loser.
Ogeltree reminded him that millions of fans did because of the way he disrespected his gorgeous Swedish-born wife by his seemingly endless acts of mattress frolicking, belly bumping, groin canoodling, hiding the salami, hitting the Grand Canyon, and doing the horizontal hokey pokey with a dozen or so mature golf groupies who became known as Tiger's "GolfGate Gals."
Tiger said that he had moved on after paying his wife $342 million plus paying countless millions to the other females who only used him because he was Tiger Woods, the rich-as-hell, damn good-looking sumbitch golfer who had some balls.
Woods told Mr. Ogeltree that he was not here to talk about his past women or even his future women. He told him that he was just trying to earn a living after his wife walked out of his life with half of his mother effen money.
Woods got into his black Cadillac Escalade SUV and an unidentified extremely sexy white blonde woman got into the passenger side. As he started to drive away he lowered his window and yelled at Mr. Ogeltree, "Dude, it sure looks like I ain't never gonna learn am I?"
In other news. Reports coming out of Tulsa's Sooner or Later International Airport are that Joan Rivers was so excited at being patted down by a young, good-looking TSA agent that she handed him a $20 tip.
