The Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 4

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Monday, 5 December 2011

image for The Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 4
Are you sure you put on a clean pair of briefs this morning?

Meisterfibber went back home and told his mom about his upcoming quest. She was not pleased to hear about it, but thought that getting her adopted son away from Murray's Tavern for a few days would not be such a bad idea. She packed him a backpack full of food and took a fresh clean pair of briefs and put them into a leather case. She told him, that, if he was to make a good impression with the dragon, he should put on the clean pair of briefs before their parley.

At the dawn of the next day, Meisterfibber headed out with his escort, Hop-To-It, towards Mount Crapshoot. He carried his backpack on his back and briefcase in his right hand (honestly, would you expect it any other way?). It took them a day to reach the mountain and a half-day to reach Burpsfire's lair. Before entering the lair, Meisterfibber opened up the brief case that his mom had given him and slowly eyed the clean set of briefs that his mother had put into it.

"I'm so used to the briefs that I've had on for my entire life", Meisterfibber said softly to himself. "These clean ones would greatly reduce my 'air of dignity'. I think I will forego my mother's advice and wear the ones I have on now when I parley with Burpsfire."

Hop-To-It led Meisterfibber into Burpsfire's lair and, as was in the case when he escorted Larry, Burpsfire was at his table just finishing up his lunch. He was wearing a fresh clean pair of briefs that he had put on that morning.

"Grand Dragon Burpsfire, I, Hop-To-It, escort for King Downtrodden of the Kingdom of Dodgedom, present Meisterfibber, here to do parley with you", called out Hop-To-It to Burpsfire. Hop-To-It then took a deep bow in front of the dragon and then stepped aside and ushered Meisterfibber forward.

Upon seeing Burpsfire, Meisterfibber was taken aback by the enormity and monstrosity of the dragon. His natural reaction was to immediately enhance his 'air of dignity'. He tried to talk but found that he could not move his lips. His legs began quivering underneath him and a cold sweat broke out over his body. From his reaction, Hop-To-It quickly deduced that Meisterfibber had unfortunately come down with the same flu that had struck Larry the week before.

Burpsfire stared at Meisterfibber for a moment before his eyes grew wide and animated. He rose up from the table smiling broadly and called out to Hop-To-It: "Thank you once again for the wonderful parsley you have brought me. It will go down nicely with this wonderful lunch of beef cattle, goat's milk and boiled cabbage".

Buprsfire readied himself to swoop down upon Meisterfibber and swallow him whole when he was suddenly struck by Meisterfibber's 'air of dignity'. The smell was so strong that Burpsfire actually began to gag and cough uncontrollably for a couple of minutes during which, Meisterfibber managed to overcome his initial fear of the dragon. Once Bupsfire composed himself he found that his appetite for Meisterfibber had been greatly diminished. He gave a sidelong glance at Meisterfibber and quickly summed up that he was nothing like any of the elves he had ever eaten from the Kingdom. From the smell of him the dragon quickly deduced that Meisterfibber probably wasn't the best piece of parsley to introduce into his digestive system. He, also, figured that Meisterfibber was probably not wearing a fresh clean pair of briefs.

Burpsfire stayed still and thought for a minute and then slowly moved towards Hop-To-It and said, "I'm very disappointed in your King's offering. I will forgo his offering of parsley and eat you instead".

As Burpsfire started to swoop down upon Hop-To-It, who appeared to suddenly have concocted the flu, Meisterfibber managed to finally get hold of his tongue and shouted out.

"Parley! It's parley! Not parsley! I've come to parley with you, not to be your parsley!"

Burpsfire stopped going towards Hop-To-It, and stood still in his tracks pondering what Meisterfiber had just said to him.

"What's parley?" the dragon slowly asked Meisterfibber through squinted eyes.

"It's a discussion between representatives of two warring factions to come up with an agreement for some kind of truce", Meisterfibber replied. "It is a truce, to which both parties will honor to bring an end to the bloodletting that both sides have incurred".

The dragon thought for a second and asked: "Which two sides is there a war going on between? I'd certainly be happy to parley with them, that is, as long as I get some parsley for my services."

"You and the Kingdom of Dogedom", Meisterfibber cried out exasperatedly.

"Really! Well now that's funny", the dragon replied. "I don't remember anyone declaring war. As a matter of fact, I don't remember there being any bloodletting on my side of the war either, leastwise not as far as I can tell".

The dragon quickly glanced about his body to make sure that he had no cuts or stabs that one would consider to be bloodletting. After a couple of thorough checks he seemed satisfied that his side of the war had not incurred any bloodletting and looked back to Meisterfibber for further explanation.

"Well, no, not on your side, at least not yet", replied Meisterfibber. "But there has been a lot of it on the King's side as well as a lot of property damage and the ruin of many bold warriors' reputations. The damage and destruction that you have wrought upon the Kingdom of Dodgedom may bring you legal repercussions sometime down the road. There is a very good chance that the King may seek to exercise a legal vehicle to re-coop some or all of these damages".

"What? Legal repercussions? A legal vehicle?" the dragon asked, suddenly becoming quite confused about having no idea what Meisterfibber was talking about.

"The King is considering using a legal vehicle to sue you", replied Meisterfibber.

The dragon started to turn a bit light green. His body began to break out in a cold sweat and his knees began to tremble. It was quite apparent to Meisterfibber and Hop-To-It that Burpsfire, after all, was just as susceptible as the elves at concocting this new flu that had been going around the Kingdom.

The real reason for Burpsfire's sudden fear came from his remembrance of another vehicle from another Kingdom that the elves there had used to slay his brother Fatfire. It was a horrible experience for Burpsfire, as he ended up witnessing his brother's death at the hands of this monstrous metallic vehicle with a large steel lance that the elves of that Kingdom called Dragonpopper. Burpsfire decided that there may be a good possibility that this new vehicle, called Sue Yoo by the elves of Dodgedom might just turn out to be something very similar in nature to the one called Draggonpopper.

"Yes… Umm… So how long have the elves had this new vehicle called Sue Yoo?" Burpsfire asked quietly as he slowly sat down in a chair at the table.

Thinking quickly Meisterfibber lied, "Well let's see, they've just started using it in some of the other parley's that I've been involved in and it was really quite successful. They have plans to make use of it for any future parley's to which they are not satisfied".

"I see", responded Burpsfire with a big nervous swallow. "Well, I guess a truce wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. I mean who wants to see anymore bloodletting or property destruction. So what are the terms of this truce?"

Now, this caught Meisterfiiber totally by surprise because the King never gave him any terms for peace, he just asked Meisterfibber to parley with the dragon. Although, Meisterfibber probably never gave thought to the fact that the king may have figured that Meisterfibber would end up being the dragon's parsley just as everyone else he sent had become.

"Well now of course", thought Meisterfibber to himself. The King just figured that with my superior intellect and oratory skills that I would quickly gain the upper hand on this stupid fire-breathing reptile. He's simply left it up to me to negotiate the terms of the truce to greatly favor the King.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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