Python sketch comes true for Barnsley bishop
The Bishop of Barnsley caused outrage yesterday when he announced he had undergone a surgical operation in which he was irreversibly conjoined with a pederast. Monty Python's 1973 LP Matching Tie and Handkerchief includes a sketch called 'Elephant...
Read full storyGo Kompare poaches the meerkats
After losing significant market share, Go Kompare have hit back at their major rivals, Kompare the Market, by poaching the prized meerkats away from them. "It cost quite a significant sum," said Go Kompare CEO, Gok Ompare. "However, we believe tha...
Read full storyThe meaning of words
Sometimes I wonder what words mean, or where they came from. Like 'cling film'. It is called 'cling' film because it is clingy and a film, or was it invented by a man called Cling? Or a man called Film? Perhaps both. Perhaps Cling and Film got together and thought "Now there's a good idea" and created cling film. Then there's the straw boater. It's a kind of hat. Very rarely made out of actu...
Read full storySan Diego Chargers Kicker Nick Novak Gets A Three Day Suspension For Peeing On The Sidelines
SAN DIEGO - San Diego Chargers kicker Nick Novak was reportedly in the bathroom at his home in San Diego when he received a call from a representative of the NFL Committee on Player Game Behavior. According to Sport Territory Magazine's Tango Bris...
Read full storyWorld's Dullest Man Dreading Christmas
The world's dullest man, Edgar Drone, from Basingstoke, today revealed that he is dreading the looming festive season. Drone, who once famously grumbled his way through an open air performance of La Traviata at Glyndebourne, seemingly without paus...
Read full storyNoisy Neighbours To Batter Man United Again In FA Cup 3rd Round
Mortified Manchester United fans could only reel back from their TV sets in abject terror this afternoon as the FA Cup 3rd Round draw was made at Wembley. It's Manchester City versus Manchester United at the Shittihead Stadium in the grand old tourna...
Read full storyDavid Icke predicted Cornwall earthquake 'would be first of many' ahead of Saturday's lunar eclipse
Bodmin - The 2.2 magnitude tremor hit the Lizard Peninsula shortly before 3am in what Icke once prophesied would be the first portent of the Reptilian New Dawn. Some of his New Age conspiracist pals also reckon the quake is a grim precursor to a g...
Read full storyAnswers given in Nottingham Courts
This article was sent in by a decrepit ageing ex-security officer. Who, although today he cannot remember where he left his hearing aids, glasses, bus-pass or what day of the week it is, refers to his old personal notebook, to dredge up some answers given in the courts, he remembers: Magistrate to Defendant: "... so how do you propose to pay this fine?" Defendant's Reply: "Wiv me dole!" J...
Read full storyNew Study Shows Ivy League School's Leave Students Less Educated
The survey, conducted by Fairleigh Dickinson University, was completed with self-identified students from both Princeton and Brown University. The results were based on whether the students had the ability to score a higher grade on the ACT now th...
Read full storyLocal Man Surrenders His Hat For Photo Op In Nightmare London Pub Scenario
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, 27, an aspiring, and dashingly handsome (Providing one squints really hard and lets the imagination run riot.) Olympic Greco-Roman wrestler, was reported to be making a quiet recovery today after a traumatic incident in...
Read full storyThe Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 3
Hop-To-It paused for a moment to see if he could remember if he had asked Larry if he'd put on a fresh clean pair of briefs that morning. He couldn't remember if he did so he continued on with the story. "I introduced ourselves and told Burpsfire that Larry was here to parley for the Kingdom of Dodgedom. Larry stepped forward to face Burpsfire and… And… Just turned all white. His eyes got al...
Read full storySanta Claus May Have Cheated on the Missus
The rumors of holiday hanky panky are flying faster than Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve. Several tabloids are reportedly ready to publish motel records from all over the world that would show Santa to be an unfaithful spouse. Some say the rumors...
Read full storyHerman Cain suspends race, pisses off dozens of women about to tell all about harassment and affairs
ATLANTA -- Herman Cain suspended his bid for the Republican presidential nomination and thereby got the last laugh with two dozen or so women who were about to get their 15 minutes of fame. In recent weeks, women such as Sharon Bialek and Ginger W...
Read full storyPreviously conjoined twins inseparable since surgery, much to the ire of parents
STANFORD, Calif. -- Angelina and Angelica Suduko no longer have to spend every waking and sleeping moment together. However, hospital staff report that they only wish to be together, and this is not necessarily sitting well with the parents. After...
Read full storyHerman Cain Says He Is 'Suspending' His Presidential Bid (Plan A) And Then Announces He Has A Plan B, Which He Fails To Announce
ATLANTA - GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain says that he is not one to go down without kicking, hollering, and raising a damn effen ruckus. As reported by GOPicky Magazine Amos Soursuckle the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza and architect of t...
Read full storyGingrich Advocates full "prison-based economy" in order to compete with Chinese sweatshop labor
On Tuesday, at a $100,000 per plate GOP luncheon, Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich talked about the importance of lowering the cost of production in America, if we are to effectively compete with the burgeoning Chinese economy. "The Chinese fo...
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