This article was sent in by a decrepit ageing ex-security officer. Who, although today he cannot remember where he left his hearing aids, glasses, bus-pass or what day of the week it is, refers to his old personal notebook, to dredge up some answers given in the courts, he remembers:
Magistrate to Defendant:
"... so how do you propose to pay this fine?"
Defendant's Reply:
"Wiv me dole!"
Judge to Defendant:
"Because of your temerate nature, I have no option but to sentence you to a custodial sentence."
Defendant's Reply:
"That's alright midduck!"
Defending Council Defendant:
"Can you prove you were at home at that time watching the porn channel on your television set?"
Defendant's Reply:
"Yer, me missus and the dog was wiv me"
Magistrate to Defendant:
"Do you consider your electing to go along with the others, to have been forced upon you?
Defendant's Reply:
"I don't vote!"
Prosecuting Council to Defendant:
"A total of 18 cultivating marijuana plants were found in your loft, and witnesses have stated that you have selling them the drug for three years now, and still you deny these offences, why?"
Defendant's Reply:
"The price of fags is too high, I fink I'm doin' a service to the community, yo showa are so stuck-up un snotty abart it, wot abart the MPs fiddlin', eh, you make me *ucking sick wiv yer pickin' on the little uns...."
He received a custodial sentence
Magistrate to Defendant:
"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th, where were you at that time?"
Defendant's Reply:
"In the bedroom!"
Judge to Defendant:
"Mr ...., do you consider your lack of education to be a predominate cause in your choosing a path of crime?"
Defendant's Reply:
"Dunno!"
Prosecuting Council to Defendant:
It is surely beyond question now, that you did actually throw the bottle that hit PC.... on his chest, but why did you do it the court would like to know?"
Defendant's Reply:
"Me aim wus too low!"
He received a custodial sentence
