World's Dullest Man Dreading Christmas

Written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 4 December 2011

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Fuck Off! I'm On Me Tea Break!

The world's dullest man, Edgar Drone, from Basingstoke, today revealed that he is dreading the looming festive season.

Drone, who once famously grumbled his way through an open air performance of La Traviata at Glyndebourne, seemingly without pausing for breath, and described an intimate tango he danced with Elle McPherson at a charity event, as: "Alright, considering," apparently detests Christmas.

Insiders say that Drone doesn't really like turkey, Christmas pud, speeches by the Queen, pine trees, or pillocks in red suits with fur trim and bushy white beards, who go, "Ho Ho Ho!" all the time, so generally Christmas is not the best of times for the dullard curmudgeon.

It seems that the only saving grace regarding the festive season, as far as Drone is concerned, is that he doesn't mind drinking himself into oblivion, and he has a good laugh when Noel Edmonds visits the sick kiddies in hospital on Christmas morning, as he 'responsibly' enjoys a few cans of Special Brew, and tucks into a 2 litre bottle of White Lightning.

According to Drone, even Morecambe and Wise on Christmas day "was never really up to much," but somehow made it tolerable.

As strange as it may seem, Drone appears to enjoy more than his fair share of female admirers, or possibly, to be strictly accurate, doesn't enjoy more than his fair share of female admirers.

Friends reveal that Drone is not looking forward to receiving Christmas cards from Canada, as he fears one of them may contain a bomb. Or anthrax. Or something.

Likewise, he dreads receiving a parcel from two Irish women who he once cunningly evaded in a New York City hotel, by getting out of the elevator before it reached his floor and running for his life down the stairs.

We can confirm that Edgar Drone has signed up with internet dating site: www.boringbastardsreunited.con, and that he has specifically requested to be put in touch with a like minded female who enjoys watching hard core pornography on the internet, and doing creative things with string.

Although he isn't feeling particularly lucky at the moment, following an unforeseen accident involving a spoke shave.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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