The Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 3

Written by mikewadestr

Sunday, 4 December 2011

image for The Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 3
Did you remember to put on a fresh clean pair of briefs this morning?

Hop-To-It paused for a moment to see if he could remember if he had asked Larry if he'd put on a fresh clean pair of briefs that morning. He couldn't remember if he did so he continued on with the story.

"I introduced ourselves and told Burpsfire that Larry was here to parley for the Kingdom of Dodgedom. Larry stepped forward to face Burpsfire and… And… Just turned all white. His eyes got all teary and his body began to shake. He began gibbering incoherently and coughing uncontrollably. Burpsfire stared at Larry for a moment or two and then his eyes grew real big and animated. He jumped up from his table and in one quick motion swooped down on Larry and swallowed him whole in one big gulp. He then let out a big fiery burp, pardoned himself and said 'thank you for the parsley'".

The King's face dropped upon hearing the final phrase that came out of Hop-To-It's mouth. He stared blankly at Hop-To-It for a moment or two and then asked, "You mean to say that he just jumped up and ate Larry whole, then burped and then said 'thank you for the parsley'?"

"Ummm… Yes… Hmmm… He just swallowed him whole, burped and then said 'thank you for the parsley'. Yes… Ummm… That's what he said".

Well, what the… I'll be damned", said the King thoughtfully. "Now why in the world would he think that we were sending him parsley?"

The entire room fell silent as the king pondered over the events that occurred between the dragon and the negotiator Larry. After several moments an elf cried out.

"Hey! Maybe we should start sending him some parsley!"

"Yeah!" added another. "I bet that's what he really wanted all along, just a whole bunch of parsley!"

You will get parsley with every single meal that we serve at Murry's Tavern.

The King, once again, showed his gratitude towards the elves input by putting his head in his hands and sobbing.

"Maybe we should send Meisterfibber to parley with the dragon?" asked another of the elves.

The King suddenly stopped sobbing and took his head out of his hands. He looked straight at the elf and said, "What a tremendously marvelously good idea. I should have thought of that long ago".

Now Meisterfibber is not an elf. As a matter of fact no one is really quite sure who or what Meisterfibber is. He was found when he was a baby in a patch of skunk grass by the widow McGratchen who just happened to be strolling by on her way to the May fair quite some years ago. She was surprised at her discovery and picked up the filthy, but, apparently healthy baby and took him home with her and reared him into adulthood.

From the moment the widow McGratchen took Meisterfibber home she could tell that he was no elf, nor, any other type of normal being, at least not as far as she could tell. As soon as he could talk Meisterfibber began spinning exaggerated stories using a pontificated form of speech. In many cases, no one could actually understand much of anything that Meisterfibber was saying.

As a kid growing up in school he joined the debate team and soon became their captain. A team on which he never lost a debate, not that he was such a great debator as much as no one could really understand what he was trying to debate. Meisterfibber, also, had a penchant for farting a lot. A habit that got progressively worse as he grew into adulthood. Where ever he went Meisterfibber would bring with him what he called his 'air of dignity'. He, also, almost never changed his briefs".

In a lot of instances Meisterfibber's 'air of dignity' was known for clearing the seats of people around him in the various beverage houses, restaurants and public theaters. He was dubbed the 'Big Stink' by many members of the Kingdom of Dodgedom.

Meisterfibber was much larger than any of the elves in Dodgedom in both his height and his girth. He, also, as mentioned before, almost never changed his briefs (actually, it has been rumored by some that he never changed his briefs, although this rumor has not been substantiated due to the fact that no one was really interested in checking Meisterfibber's briefs). He attributed to wearing the same pair of underwear to the fact that it, also, helped to maintain his 'air of dignity'.

Meisterfibber spent most of his days in Dodgedom hanging out at Murray's Tavern, downing enormous amounts of the establishment's beverages and debating various subjects of dubious nature. One subject that Meisterfibber brought up more than anything else was concerning a woman named Sue Yoo. No one in the Kingdom was named Sue Yoo, so no one was really quite sure who she was or why Meisterfibber talked about her so much. Everyone just figured that she was just another lie and fantasy created by Meisterfibber himself.

It seemed to be in times of distress that Meisterfibber talked about Sue Yoo the most. For instance, when he stayed late at Murray's and downed one or two beverages too many, he would begin arguing belligerently with everyone at the bar, all the while greatly enhancing his 'air of dignity'. It was in these cases that Gruff, the Tavern's bartender, was forced to remove Meisterfibber from the bar for the peace of all the other patrons, as well as for the sake of everyone's olfactory senses. In these instances Meisterfibber would begin arguing vehemently with Gruff.

"Are you forcing me to leave this establishment against my will?" He asked Gruff angrily in a very offended manner.

"Yes I am", Gruff would shoot back at Meisterfibber. "You are creating a disturbance here and annoying all of the other patrons. Will you please leave before I have to physically remove you from this Tavern myself!"

"Indeed, and violate my right of freedom of association?" Meisterfibber always shot back.

Gruff would look at Meisterfibber for a moment and then respond "You are not right in your associations, you're down right wrong, disruptive and annoying. Everyone here will simply say that you are wrong. So stop telling me you're right when you are wrong.

"Well now", Meisterfibber would respond quite indignantly. "You leave me no option. I am going to sue you. Do you understand me sir? If you physically remove me from this establishment I'm going to sue you".

"Fine, you just do that", Gruff would growl back. "Go to Sue Yoo, or whoever she is and whereever she lives. Please go to Sue Yoo and leave me and my patrons in peace".

Meisterfibber would never leave to go to Sue Yoo on his own accord, as much as he talked about going to visit her and much to Gruff's dismay. In each instance Gruff had to forcibly remove him from the Tavern with Meisterfibber yelling "I'm going to sue you" and Gruff shouting back "well then get out of here and go visit your Sue Yoo".

Since Meisterfibber was not an elf, he was never invited to any of the meetings that were held by the King in the back room of Murray's Tavern. So the King decided to send one of his associates out to get him and bring him to the meeting to see if he would parley with the dragon and bring peace to the Kingdom.

Meisterfibber was brought in to meet with the king in the back or Murray's Tavern. The King explained to Meisterfibber that they needed someone with superior intellect and oratory skills to parlay with Burpsfire. The King said that a man who carried around an 'air of dignity' such as Meisterfibber's should probably do well parleying with Burpsfire.

Every night is comedy night at Murray's Tavern. Just step in our back room and watch the longest running comedy show in the Kingdom. It includes 100 stooges and a dweeb with a crown on a high chair trying to fight a dragon.

The King's words fed Meisterfibber's enormous ego, causing him to greatly increase his 'air of dignity'. He gladly accepted the Kings offer and agreed to set forth to parley with the dragon the very next day with Hop-To-It as his escort.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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