Herman Cain Says He Is 'Suspending' His Presidential Bid (Plan A) And Then Announces He Has A Plan B, Which He Fails To Announce

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 4 December 2011


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image for Herman Cain Says He Is 'Suspending' His Presidential Bid (Plan A) And Then Announces He Has A Plan B, Which He Fails To Announce
Some of the 6,000 cell phone calls that Herman Cain allegedly made to Ginger White.

ATLANTA - GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain says that he is not one to go down without kicking, hollering, and raising a damn effen ruckus.

As reported by GOPicky Magazine Amos Soursuckle the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza and architect of the infamous "PizzaGate" presidential candidate scandal is still saying that the media is out to get him just because he is intelligent, extremely gifted, black, and possesses the movie star good looks of Denzel Washington and Will Smith.

Cain told the assembled media throng that he has decided to back away from the political arena because there are just way too many white blonde women coming out of the the blue and the green and making all kinds of comments, remarks, suggestions, and casting aspersions on his beyond reproach character and his lily white personality (no metaphoric oxymoron pun intended).

Cain says that he is tired of having to hear women say that he suggested this and inferred that or that he touched them here and that he tickled them there.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: According to Zydeco Dupree with iRumors Mr. Herman Cain actually pointed to several choice parts on his body when he made that last paragraph remark.]

During his speech Cain said that his wife Gloria knew nothing about the 6,000 or so cell phone calls that he allegedly made to Atlanta businesswoman Ginger White.

He added that Mrs. Cain also did not know that he had been giving her lots of money every week just because she was kind of on the needy side like the other white women that he had given money to.

Cain said that it's a curse that he has about helping out women in need. Naomi Campbell, known as "The Queen of Mean" went on The View and asked Barbara Walters how come the dilly dallying Mr. Cain never gave any money to any needy black sistas.

Campbell asked, "Miss Barbara was it because Mr. Romeo Cain be knowing dat iffin he had dared ta cross up one of da black sistas dat she woulda taken a Louisville Slugger baseball bat to his black Santa Claus butt and put a lot of blue (bruises) on da boy?"

Cain mentioned in his weird 'suspension' speech that the suspension is Plan A. He then smiled like the Colombia cat that swallowed the Costa Rican canary and said that he has a Plan B 'in his pants.' He caught himself real quick and said that he meant to say 'up his sleeve.'

The assembled news reporters waited for Mr. Cain to explain what he meant by Plan B but he merely raised his voice and started yelling that it is a sad day in Mudville and that he feels sorry for the likes of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and Telemundo and wonders how they are going to now fill all of the dozens of minutes that they all devoted to Herman Cain every night.

SIDENOTE: Jay Leno remarked that he will just replace Cain's time with Penn State and Syracuse stuff. David Letterman said he will just make a few more 'the bed bugs in New York are so big that' jokes. Conan O'Brien was nursing a case of laryngitis. Jimmy Kimmel said he'll just talk to his sidekick Guillermo a little more and Telemundo simply asked "Que?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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