SAN DIEGO - San Diego Chargers kicker Nick Novak was reportedly in the bathroom at his home in San Diego when he received a call from a representative of the NFL Committee on Player Game Behavior.
According to Sport Territory Magazine's Tango Brisket, Gideon Lemongiggle spoke with Novak and informed him that the NFL had decided to suspend him for three days due to the fact that he had been captured on tape urinating on the sidelines during the Denver Broncos - San Diego Chargers game in which the Broncos won in overtime 16-13.
Mr. Lemongiggle sited NFL Committee of Player Game Behavior rule 17-68P which clearly states that the act of urination will not be tolerated either on the playing field or on the sidelines during a nationally televised football game.
The NFL rep went on to say that Mr. Novak's urinary actions were not only seen by 64,000 fans in the stadium but by millions and millions of viewers at home, some of who were in the process of having their Sunday meals.
Lemongiggle said that the NFL legal department stressed that the act of pissing during the game and in front of so many witnesses could end up causing Mr. Novak to be hit with charges of indecent exposure, public lewdness, wanton urination, ipso peeing, and the more serious sexual harassment.
Novak, in his defense stated that he and one of the coaches, who was holding up the Gatorade towel, made certain that there was no way that anyone could have possibly seen his winky wonk (penis).
Mr. Lemongiggle informed him that it was a moot point and that the intent was certainly there even if no one did manage to see the alleged muffin tickler in question.
Novak remarked that, other than the video, the NFL legal department really had no concrete evidence of the urinary act actually ever having taken place.
The San Diego kicker was told that a stadium employee had been instructed to collect the blades of Astroturf upon which some of the urine from the Gatorade cup had spilled.
Those Astroturf blades were then taken and analyzed at the famed California Institute for Urinalysis Analyzing in La Brea and they showed without a shadow of a doubt that the blades of Astroturf contained pee stains that did in fact perfectly match Mr. Nick Novak's DNA.
SIDENOTE: The NFL suspended Nick Novak for three days, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and stated that they will probably not pursue the matter any further as long as Mr. Novak agrees to check himself into a rehab clinic and enter into a 12-step public pissing program.
