Alvin Stardust discovers his long-lost brother, coincidentally also a glam-rock star
Performing to pensioners on Margate pier, Alvin Stardust cuts a tragic figure, his glittery platform boots no longer the guaranteed fast-track to celebrity they once were. But most Brits still remember Mr Stardust fondly for his 70s hits such as "Coo...
Read full storyJohn Bishop And Match Of The Day - Local Man Complains Of Saturday Night TV Hell
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today sent a very strong email to the BBC, asking them what the hell they think they're playing at by putting simplistic Scouse "funny man" John Bishop on national telly, just before a bunch of Scouse has-beens on Match...
Read full storyBanker Wars Part IV: A New Hope Part III
Read this story from the start. After escaping the Debt Star, the rebels flew to their base on the planet of Yavin, along with Princess Corporate Lawyer who they had also rescued from the Debt Star (I forgot to mention that bit!) There, they concocted a plan to destroy the Debt Star forever. General Assurance stood beside a huge graph and all the rebels sat around listening. "The Debt Sta...
Read full storyActor joins list of candidates for Republican Party
He has always wanted to help people, but nothing ever came easy. That is, until a Republican nomination, and an unprecedented press campaign led to great possibilities. Now he finds himself being carried away by circumstances beyond his control. F...
Read full storyStep By Step - How To Make A Chicken Shish Kebab - With Martin Shuttlecock
Hello. My name is Martin Shuttlecock, and tonight I'll be telling you how to make a traditional chicken shish kebab, in the Turkish, Chinese, Indian, Mexican pikey style. Whilst being slightly inebriated, and wearing a pork pie hat. Always start by sinking a couple or even three cans of the finest Belgian lager. This will help you to focus, and allow you to suppress any inhibitions you ma...
Read full storyQueen Elizabeth II Dictates Austerity Measures for Royal Family
Her eye on the bottom line, the Queen thinks that the Royals need to cut expenditures. Rumor is that she's dictated a number of cost-saving measures that will help to cut the huge drain on the Royal coffers. Her Majesty has advised female Royals not to waste money on nude pantyhose. "Just stick your legs out in the sun and get some color on them," she's advised members of the Royal family.
Read full storyObama dispatches Police Commissioner Gordon to bail out Scotland Yard
Gotham City -- Help is on the way to rescue London's beleaguered Metropolitan Police from a combination of catastrophes involving rioting, looting, burning, and phone hacking. US President Barack Obama has assigned America's most popular law enfo...
Read full storyGiant leatherback sea turtles menacing hapless Bognor OAPs
Sussex - Swarms of mating season Dermochelys coriacea leatherbacks were blamed today for 'hideous' attacks on British pensioners holidaying in the UK's 'Adriatic Riviera' of Bognor Regis. Invading Caribbean testudines have apparently mistaken some...
Read full storyEngland Are Cricket's No 1 Team - Local Disbelief
There was shock and disbelief among the local population today as England became the world's best cricket team. By crushing India by an innings and 242 runs in Birmingham, Andrew Strauss's men climbed above their opponents in the world test rankin...
Read full story'Is this your Sheep?' axed
The popular quiz, hosted by Joe Pasquale - 'Is this your Sheep?' has been axed, due to falling ratings. The show, which in its hey-day was presented by Ant and Dec attracted fifteen million, due to its edge of the seat Sheep based guessing game, s...
Read full storyCops "Pissed Off" With 'Do Nothing Dave' As Government Calls In Top US Cop Bill Bratton
British police officers of all ranks are reported to be seriously "pissed off" by David Cameron's decision to bring in US former New York and LA police commissioner, Bill Bratton. Who is expected to act in an advisory capacity, with regard to dealing...
Read full storyWhoopie Cushion Sales Fall
There was consternation on the stock market today, as sales of Whoopie Cushions have sharply fallen in the past quarter. Mr Smith from the Bank of unpleasant surprises told us: 'It was quite a shock to us, really. Whoopie Cushions have always been...
Read full storyScooby Doo out of Business
Scooby Doo and his friend Shaggy are now out of work, following the disbanding of their team. Hunky Fred, sexy Daphne and dowdy Thelma are also looking for work, whilst irritating puppy Scrappy Doo has work lined up in Pantomime. The team were kno...
Read full storyPiers Morgan in argument with Morgan Freeman
The ever popular, and charismatic TV pundit Piers Morgan has started an attack on the popular actor Morgan Freeman. Popular Piers said: 'People love Morgan Freeman, but I want it known that I will be the most popular Morgan in the world. People lo...
Read full storyOld people still talking about the Weather
In a lifelong trend, which shows no signs of changing over the short term, people in their 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's and older still list the weather as the top topic in conversation with both strangers and close family and friends. Mr Darren Uffer,...
Read full storyJedward awarded honorary music degree
Eastbourne's University at the Municipal Swimming Pool has awarded dancing and singing whatevers (they do neither well) and walking toilet brushes Jedward with honorary degrees in music. 'This is just like, so awesome' said one of the Brothers. 'I...
Read full storyNobody is really interested in celebrity culture, says Jordan
Talented novelist Katie Price and her topless buoyancy aid alter ego Jordan have both admitted that their time in the sun is probably nearly over. The well respected compiler of words explained that people have more to worry about than who she's a...
Read full storyControversial Weather Terms rethought
Following recent rioting, the BBC has decided not to use various terms in their forecasts. 'Riot Friendly evening' was said to be a possible goer at one point, as was 'A fine night for taking something that is not yours, because everyone else is doin...
Read full storyBig Brother will still be a waste of time, says deluded old fool
TV experts have stated that even though it has changed channels, and has a new presenter, Big Brother will still be a waste of everyone's time. Boris Elton John, a TV expert and Spokesman for 'Why don't switch of your TV and do something less bori...
Read full storyBBC hoping for more exciting news
Following recent widespread riots, and political and financial scandals, the BBC has announced that it is still waiting for more exciting news. BBC Newsreader Bill 'Early Morning' Turnbull said: 'It is right, the BBC is expecting far more excitin...
Read full storyNo more, no less- Part I
Uncertainties, whether measurable or unmeasurable, are integral parts of all fields of knowledge. Measurable uncertainties can be dealt with under risk management, but it is the unmeasurable uncertainties that cannot be resolved. Of course, new technologies have contributed a lot to the reduction of uncertainties. At any rate, the unmeasurable uncertainties have ever since played havoc in man'...
Read full storyLondon Mayor : Riots would have been much worse if it wasn't for congestion charge
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London has claimed that the London Riots could have been a lot worse if it wasn't for the congestion charge. "Look here, although thousands of bloody "chavs" took to the streets most of the streets were actually clear of t...
Read full storyLocal Man Shaves Off Moustache
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today decided to come clean and freely admit to the world at large that he has shaved his moustache off. In explaining his extraordinary decision, Shuttlecock pointed out that he'd been observing for some time, that...
Read full storySandra Bullock Has Confessed To Being A Closet "Snuff Dipper" AKA "Tobacco Chewer"
HOLLYWOOD - Word coming out of Tinsel Town is that Sandra Bullock appears to have taken up a habit that can only be described as downright disgusting. According to Hollywood Innuendo reporter Missy Wonderbox, the Oscar winning actress has admitted...
Read full storyUrine For a Ride: New Car Fueled by Pee
Cruise Control meets Bladder Control - Automaker Key-Yah Motors, in an effort to lead the pack in development of hybrid vehicles, announced the 2013 Key-Yah Pia - the first automobile fueled by human urine. For now, the vehicle is equipped only f...
Read full storySimon Cowell's Latest Cash Cow - Royal Family To Appear In Reality TV Series Set On Burnley Council Estate
According to sources, impressario Simon Cowell is planning to top his mega-selling TV cash cows, X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent, by producing a new reality TV show, which will involve the Royal Family moving into council accommodation on the Stoop...
Read full storyThe Arrest , Interrogation and Deification of Reggie " The Ferret" Fosberry.
The following is the interrogation report of one Reggie "The Ferret" Fosberry, (SUBJECT) shortly after his arrest for Rioting, Looting, Possession of Stolen Property, Resisting Arrest with Violence, and Public Indecency. Subject was subdued after a short chase after he was witnessed to have thrown some masonry rubble through the store window of an Argos, entered same store, and before seen le...
Read full storySesame Scandal: Bert and Ernie Break Silence on Sexuality
Sesame Scandal: In an exclusive interview with People Magazine, Bert Engelstein and Ernie Salvatore (aka Bert & Ernie) reveal that they are in fact NOT gay. Ernie said he and nearby neighbor, Grover had taken the vow of celibacy years ago. Ber...
Read full storyCrimewatch Presenter Nick Ross Caught On CCTV Looting Curry's At Clapham Junction
There was turmoil at the BBC today, when a Crimestoppers call, forwarded by the Metropolitan Police, alleged that Crimewatch presenter, Nick Ross was allegedly spotted on CCTV footage, dragging a 50" HD plasma screen TV out of a branch of Curry's, cl...
Read full storyGay Man Objects To Being Called "Sausage Boy"
Dorset gay man, Danson B Dainty, of Poole, today launched a scathing attack against his many detractors via an online forum discussion on his favourite website - gaymiserableandliabletomoodswings.con on a forum thread where gay men complained about t...
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