Giant leatherback sea turtles menacing hapless Bognor OAPs

Funny story written by queen mudder

Saturday, 13 August 2011

image for Giant leatherback sea turtles menacing hapless Bognor OAPs
A scaly flipper - a bit like this one - interfered with the poor old lady's swimming cozzie gusset

Sussex - Swarms of mating season Dermochelys coriacea leatherbacks were blamed today for 'hideous' attacks on British pensioners holidaying in the UK's 'Adriatic Riviera' of Bognor Regis.

Invading Caribbean testudines have apparently mistaken some of the nation's treasures for potential mates, leaving sunbathing sexagenarians exposed to a fate worse than rioting.

"I was just enjoying an afternoon paddle," Dimchurch resident Mrs Mavis Whelkbasket told The Middleton-On-Sea Observer, "when I felt something nasty - like a scaly flipper - fiddling with the gusset of my Evans Outsizes swimsuit.

"Hello, I said to myself (as one would!) WTF is this? Is some crazed cross-Channel swimmer about to mug me for my lovely pink cozzie??

"There ought to be a law against this sort of squalid attack!"

Other holidaymakers have backed up her story pointing out that only last week The Esplanade was overrun with swarms of massive rutting turtles that were clearly targetting the elderly and insane - er...infirm!

"Something in the water's driving them mental," marine veterinarian Dr Osgood Flory commented today.

"These giants normally prey on a variety of jellyfish which they track down using a form of ESP and gastropod sonar.

"Wanna see a vid of Mrs Whelkbasket's two minute ordeal?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more