30% of Brits Not Related to Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamun
London - A major study of phylogenetic lineages (WTF? - Ed) has found that the legendary Egyptian Boy King didn't father 50% of European males, either. The genetics survey published by Ancient Sperm Bank News magazine blames a mutant strain of Wes...Read full story
Nottingham Schools To Encourage Pupils 'Spotting'!
The chair of the Nottingham City Council Education Committee, Irma Dunce, has declared her intention of reintroducing 'Spotting' as a hobby and pastime for those children not in borstal. She explained: "I realise that Train Spotting is out of the question nowadays, due to the dangers of electrification, and collisions with the few trains still running. Twish.. twich..twatc... Bird Watching is a...Read full story
Taylor Swift and Kanye West To Perform At President Obama's 50th Birthday Celebration
WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House Press Secretary Cal Colfax has just announced that the plans for President Barack Obama's White House Birthday Party have been finalized. Colfax said that the party will be held on Thursday, August 4, in the backyard...Read full story
Today's mental illness is tomorrow's self-esteem
"It turns out my grandfather was a riverboat gambler and a bootlegger," my wife said to me. She told me this with a smile on her face, and a bit of pride in her voice. It wasn't the first time I had heard tales of some people's ancestors that included things like grandpa was a pool hustler, card player, bootlegger, or even womanizer. Typically, these stories are usually told with a smile...Read full story
"Change The Locks!" Millions sign petition as Congress goes on vacation!
In what The New York Times and other national media are calling the greatest show of unity in America since World War 2, three million people have signed a petition demanding that all locks be changed at Congressional and Senatorial offices. The peti...Read full story
BBC Top Gear Hits Back At Disabled Driving "Bullies"
A row has erupted over an incident in last Sunday's episode of BBC's Top Gear during which cars were parked in disabled parking bays. Presenters Jeremy Clarkson and James May were driving a Nissan Leaf and Peugeot Ion for an item on the pro's and...Read full story
Virender Sehwag Arrives - But Not To Play!
The struggling Indian tourists are looking forward to the arrival in England tomorrow of star opening bat Virender Sehwag. India look to be in disarray after being blown away by England in the second test at Trent Bridge. They have not been helped...Read full story
Stoned wallabies creating crop circles in Australia are stoned aliens!
Recent crop circles discovered in the Australian outback are not being made by stoned Aborigines going walkabout as originally thought. They are actually being created by stoned wallabies who love to chew poppies it seems. This is the official gov...Read full story
Scotland's "War on Haggis" not working
First Minister of Scotland Jock McSporran has admitted publicly that his government's policies on controlling the country's obesity problem have not been as successful as planned. Scotland introduced a ban on deep fried produce in 2010, after the Cel...Read full story
Oxford Street prepares for Christmas 2012!
If you were just thinking about planning your Christmas presents for 2011, you had better be quick. There are only a handful of outlets still stocking appropriate gifts. Most high street shops have moved on to introducing presents for Christmas 2012.Read full story
History Lessons with Sarah Palin
We are thrilled to present a column by Sarah Palin, who in addition to being an outstanding governor is also noted for her incisive grasp of American history: The Obamas are not the first people to try to take away our guns. The British tried to refudiate our guns in World War I, and then there was the Chinese in World War II. It is World War II that I'm going to you know, talk about and everyt...Read full story
Top 10 ways Charlie Sheen's character in "Men" could be killed off
It's official. The Charlie Sheen character on One and a Half Men will be killed off at the beginning of the show's season opener on September 19. Producer Chuck Lorre is tight-lipped about how the character, Charlie Harper, is going to meet his fate. But we have our sources. Following are the top 10 possibilities that are being considered: 10. His brother nags him to death. 9. He'll go whi...Read full story
Joey Barton sparks George Orwell ruck on Twitter
Scouse philosopher Joey Barton has the moral support of fellow troublemaker George Orwell in his war of words with Newcastle Football Club. George Orwell's dictum that "In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act"...Read full story
JK Rowling 'descended from notorious bastard lineage'
London - "Admittedly that Légion d'honneur humbug about some fictional French relative was a bit of a clanger," the Beeb's head of light entertainment said today. "Still, an easy mistake to make, considering." The admission comes as a new rehas...Read full story
Surprise! Oprah to Jump Nude Out of 6 Layer Cake at Bama Birthday Bash as Krispy Creme Donut!
A day before Obama was set to celebrate his birthday in Chicago with yet another party, staffers at the posh Aragon Ballroom let the cat out of the bag concerning plans for the highlight of the show involving Chicago Diva, Billionaire, and head of he...Read full story
FDA admits to switching 'Morning-after' pill to fertility drug
The FDA has issued a warning on the box of the Evital, otherwise known as the 'Morning after Pill' as counterfeit and is actually Clomiphene, a pill that can release multiple eggs and result in a pregnancy of two or more infants during unprotected se...Read full story
Dyson Cheese Graters Recalled
Just days after their launch, Dyson are recalling all of their new Cheese Graters due to a small technical fault. "In general day to day use," said Leonard Mettier, head of the recall team, "there are no problems with the cheese grater. Quite the...Read full story
Toothpaste Company fined under Trades Description Act
Cresgate, Britain's largest manufacturer of toothpaste and toothbrushes has been fined just under half a million pounds due to claims that the names of its toothpastes are "at best misleading" and "at worst erroneous". Cresgate gained the largest...Read full story
Apples Not Happy about Being Forced into McDonald's Happy Meals, Dine at Applebee's
Three apples (the 'fruity' kind -- hey, we're not talking computers here) were spotted eating dinner at the Applebee's Restaurant in the Cross County Shopping Center in Yonkers, NY, over the weekend. They were commiserating with each other because they had recently learned that, starting soon, McDonald's Happy Meals in the U.S. will include apples, along with fries, meat (a choice of hamburger, c...Read full story
DC Pollies doing their own thing
In mind blowingly astounding scenes here in Washington DC today, Congressmen and Senators stood outside the Capital, linked arms and strolled down Pennsylvania Avenue singing "Money(That's What I want)" the old sixties tune. Old people who could reme...Read full story
Internet Secrets Revealed: George W. Bush is Leeroy Jenkins
With the fifth anniversary of Leeroy Jenkins' Internet debut coming up Aug. 6, my crack investigative team dug in deep to find Jenkins' true identity, and the results are shocking. More than 26 million people have watched Leeroy Jenkins' character...Read full story
Naming rights to federal buildings available by auction
Naming rights to thousands of federal buildings throughout the United States will go up for auction next month, thanks to the latest effort by Congress to restore balance to the nation's finances. Federal buildings have traditionally only been na...Read full story
Nina Dobrev Talks About Ian Somerhalder's 'Rack Rubbing' At Redondo Beach
HOLLYWOOD - One of Tinsel Town's happiest and most popular couples is Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder. The two stars of The Vampire Diaries are just the complete opposite of some of the hip hop couples who seem to relish arguing and carrying on in...Read full story
Crystal Harris Says Sex With Hugh Hefner Lasted Two Seconds - Hef Says She's A Liar And Is Off By Seven Seconds At Least
HOLMBY HILLS - Crystal Harris The 25-year-old Playboy Playmate that would have become the latest Mrs. Hugh Hefner has come out revealing some extremely intimate bedroom facts that she says are true and which Hefner says are lies flowing from the mout...Read full story