Bonkettes Appoint New Drummer - Fanny Tickler Over The Moon
Drummer, Fanny Tickler was today reported to be 'over the moon' after being taken on by top girl band The Bonkettes, mainly due to her skills with the brushes. Fanny, 22 from Sellyoak in the West Midlands was said to be "deloighted" by the appoint...
Read full storyShrinks shrank Anna Nicole Smith brain
Los Angeles - (Diprivan Deprivation): So far nobody's actually saying 'Anna Nicole's shrinks were hired by her former in-laws to fry her opiate-dependent brain'. But evidence before an LA court this week has set out how psychiatrists treating the...
Read full storyMI6 stumbled on secret Iran nuke base 'by bugging JK Rowling'
London - (Smoke 'N' Mirrors): A covert operation by British security intelligence trailing children's fiction hoaxer JK Rowling has inadvertantly stumbled on Iran's secret second nuclear plant. The Qom site was unearthed after Rowling was caught p...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Celebrates National Ass Appreciation Day
Since September 28th has been designated National Breast Appreciation Day by stories all over the web, it appears that on Friday the 25th of September, Kristen Stewart may have created National Ass Appreciation Day. Apparently Kristen and some of...
Read full storyVictoria Beckham, Kylie Minogue And Kristen Stewart Blown Out By Bonkettes
BT Bishop, manager of chart topping girl group 'The Bonkettes' today announced that the search for a fourth Bonkette continues following a number of failed auditions. "We have to take this thing in hand" BT Bishop told us. "We had auditions in cen...
Read full storyKate Middleton 'has had her eggs frozen'
London - (Oeufs en Cocotte**): Prince William and Kate Middleton were spotted this weekend outside a seedy Harley Street backstreet contortionists. The desperate royal wannabe had her eggs harvested and deep frozen amid fears she is already well a...
Read full storyTrafigura bravura
London - (BigOilShagger!): A group of London lawyers who put up more than ten million squid of their own dosh to defend 31,000 sick and penniless Ivory Coast nationals has played an absolute blinder. Three years of practically pawning everything i...
Read full storyHappenings Around Boogertown
Boogertown's favorite weather guy and aluminum collector, Jerry "Tin Can" Bratcher is blaming our local weather on NAFTA. Jerry came by the Boogertown Banner office on Teddy Street this morning to say, "It's that dang NAFTA. We're getting snow from Canada and all that heat from Mexico! I'll never vote for Bush or Clinton or Osama again! You all got any aluminum cans?" Apparently, Booger C...
Read full storyUS Military Mistake Sends Drone After Obama, Not Osama
Residents of Washington DC, the nation's capitol were awaken Sunday morning by a drone military explosive devise that was checking the neighborhood looking for President Barack Obama, after the misspelling of one letter as the drone was sent to wipe...
Read full storyAlbania is the new Southend
In travel news, the Monthly Cycle's roving reporter Ulver announces that on her latest sojourn to the former Eastern Bloc, she has found the new Southend on Sea. The Port of Sarande, the Ionian gateway to Albania has it all, sun, sea, sand, pollut...
Read full storyTaliban Faces Cut-Backs
Afghanistan - The world-wide recession is starting to be felt as far afield as the secret lairs and training grounds of Al Qaeda. In a recent press release Osama Bin Laden appeared visibly tired and announced that due to cost constraints terrorist at...
Read full storyMossad seals Buckingham Palace for Yom Kippur
London - (Pillars of Salt): Israeli security service Mossad is closing down Buckingham Palace from Saturday on the eve of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. The countdown to the holiest day of the Jewish year starts at sunset on Sunday and lasts un...
Read full storyTop 13 Worst Names Of Blues Singers
Although not a bad musician among them, these guys need, or needed, a name change in order to get a bigger audience: 13. Little "Red-Nosed" Johnson 12. Howie "TB Hocker" Jefferson 11. Big Harry The Pianist 10. Alex "The Booger-Woogie" Flinger 9. Barney "Stinky Ass" Baldwin 8. Henry "Happy-Go-Lucky" Sunshine 7. Al "Polar Ice Melting" Gore 6. Andy "The Root Cellar" Crackh...
Read full storyDoctors 'must report scalpel crime'
WASHINGTON DC - In the past, doctors only had to report cases of knife stabbings. Now they must tell police every time they stab someone with a scalpel, according to new guidelines from the AMA. They are also told they can breach patient confident...
Read full storyMichael Jackson cause of death determined
WASHINGTON DC - In a special study at Methesdum Medical Hospital, flesh from Michael Jackson's buttocks were analyzed and found to contain lethal levels of formaldehyde. This is a known break-down product of aspartame, an ingredient in all of Michae...
Read full storyHull City To Be Relegated Now To Save Time And Any Further Messing About
There was high drama on Humberside tonight when the FA Premier League announced that Hull City, who were soundly beaten to a pulp by Liverpool earlier, are to be relegated from the division NOW to save time and any further messing about. Liverpool...
Read full storySensitivity to aspartame to be deeply probed
Scientists are being paid to prove that the artificial sweetener aspartame does not cause health problems in people, even though it may kill them. The LD50 of aspartame is a carefully kept secret in the military industrial complex, so regular "stu...
Read full storyHull City Manager Phil Brown Happy With Margin Of Defeat
"Very satisfied with the performance. The lads were under a lot of pressure, and did brilliantly out there!" Those were the after-match comments of beaming Hull City manager Phil Brown after his side were thumped 6-1 by Liverpool at Anfield today.
Read full storyBrett Favre Lynched By Rabid Packer Fans At First Viking Outing In Green Bay
The first game of the season pitting former Packer Brett Favre now allied with the Minnesota Vikings against his former teammates at home in Green Bay's Lambeau Field did not go well as Favre was immediately accosted by irate Packer fans and crucifie...
Read full storyKermit The Frog Vanishes While Doing Glenn Beck Piece for "Bill Moyers Journal"
New York, New York - An emotional Miss Piggy walked into a New York Police Station today claiming she has not heard or seen from her life long companion, Kermit The Frog, since he was assigned to do an investigative reporting piece on Glenn Beck by t...
Read full storyIt Wasn't Us. Honest! Spoof Writers Deny Anything And Everything
"We didn't do it. It wasn't us," was the overwhelming response from writers for satirical website TheSpoof.com when they were collectively accused of just about everything bad that has ever happened in the world. "I wasn't even born when the Battl...
Read full storyJailed Texas Billionaire Involved In Prison Altercation
Longhorn Nuts, Texas - Jailed Texas billionaire R. Alfred Stanboro, ex-CEO of the now-defunct Blue Bluebonnets Financial Investment Group, was involved in a prison altercation. Stanboro is in prison for swindling $7 billion from investors. Acco...
Read full storyDanyl Johnson Receives Advice From Susan Boyle
Danyl Johnson, a 27-year-old schoolteacher from Reading, England, who was sent packing from England's "The X Factor" when he first tried out in 2006, had even judge Simon Cowell floored by his recent performance on the talent show. "That was fanta...
Read full storyFSA announce new tactic
Beleaguered Financial Regulator, the FSA, has today announced yet another revamp to make it a vibrant 21st Century threat to those prepared to flout their rules. Sir Thrust Bulging, spokes-person for the Regulator revealed today, "We stand at a cr...
Read full storyIran in new allegations of "terrifying plots"
Sources within the major intelligence services of the world, including the UK and France, have today stated that Iran may be building a secret Rhum Ba Ba enrichment plant that could soon be operational; according to a senior aide to the country's Sup...
Read full storyTv listings 26/11
5:00 Television for schools and colleges: Math's Minuet 5:01 History File - Being a puppeteer's assistant in medieval France 6:00 Science in Action - The magic of sodium 6:30 Tony Bobbins: the learning aid - (6/8) Tony ponders the future of cheese wire 7:00 World of Wicker - available in HD 7:30 Morning Magnets - This week a working time machine is tested in the studio, how will it func...
Read full storyYell Fire in a Crowded Theatre Day announced
A consortium of radio talk show hosts, Birthers, T-Baggers and Republican politicians today anounced a national "Yell Fire in a Crowded Theatre Day" The announcement came amid the growing cries from the conservative movement that the Obama adminstr...
Read full storyGitmo Detainees to be Put into Lunar Orbit
Washington DC: President Obama announced today that a home for the remaining 225 detainees held at Guantanamo Bay Cuba has been found. The Guantanamo prison facility will be closed by late January 2010. NASA has come to the rescue with a plan to r...
Read full storyEmbryo mix-up woman gives natural birth to elephant
DENVER, CO - Ditty Lynn Bestial told the press in a conference today that she "felt ravaged". The Denverite was implanted with the wrong embryo in a fertility treatment mix-up. In a bizarre twist, she has given birth to an elephant. Ditty Lynn...
Read full storyBonkettes World Stadium Tour Dates Announced!
The sexiest girl group on the planet, the Bonkettes today announced details of their world tour, gigging in stadiums such as Wembley, the Nou Camp, Meadowlands, the Stade De France, Old Trafford, and the Maracana in Rio. The Bonkettes, who have be...
Read full storyShow Us Your Nukes
Pittsburgh - The G20 meeting here closed with a statement by President Obama that "The United States will not tolerate the development of large breasted women in Iran in through either natural or artificial means in contravention with International a...
Read full storyJessica Simpson Undresses On Stage!
Jessica Simpson surprised her audience last night by stopping her show long enough to yell, "Do you want a big surprise?" When the crowd agreed, Jessica began removing her clothes. As the audience sat there stunned, she yelled again, "Guess w...
Read full storyTests confirm Manchester United is 'inter-gender'
After weeks of controversy, doctors at the Heimlich Institute in Basle, Switzerland, have confirmed that Manchester United is 'inter-gender'. It was suggested some weeks ago by observers that the football team, despite playing in the men's profess...
Read full storyWon't somebody think of the children?!
According to a recent report from Plan International, thousands of children worldwide are working on tobacco farms and because of it are suffering from toxic levels of nicotine exposure. Handling tobacco leaves without gloves, the children can ab...
Read full storyAtkins not as lucky as al-Megrahi
(Chowchilla-CA) Susan Atkins, former member of the Manson family who murdered pregnant actress Sharon Tate during a two-day killing spree in 1969, has died of brain cancer. Atkins was sentenced to life imprisonment for her crimes. Since she enter...
Read full storyBarack Obama Gets Mad at Iran. . .Kinda
(Pittsburgh-PA) According to a speech at the recent G-20 Summit by President Barack Obama, the United States has "detailed evidence" that "Iran has been building a covert uranium enrichment facility." The speech mentioned the location of the Ira...
Read full storyJoe Biden Talks "Turkey"
(Alexandria-VA) Vice President Joe Biden, attending a fundraising event for three Democratic House members, Congressmen Glenn Nye, Gerry Connelly and Tom Perriello, was direct in his praise. "These guys are smart," stated Biden. But he then adde...
Read full storyLiverpool Boss Rafa Benitez To Be Sacked If Reds Don't Score Ten Against Hull City
The future of Liverpool's under-pressure Spanish boss Rafa Benitez hangs in the balance this morning after it emerged that he has been told that, should his side fail to score at least 10 goals against lowly Hull City at Anfield today, HE WILL BE FIR...
Read full storyAshton Kutcher's "The Beautiful Life: TBL" Is The Fall Season's First Casualty
BURBANK - Ashton Kutcher's television show The Beautiful Life: TBL is the fall season's first TV show to be cancelled. The Kutcher produced show about the sordidly malodorous side of the modeling world was pulled after only two episodes; yes two,...
Read full storyDWTS Judge Bruno Tonioli Says Tom DeLay Is Crazier Than Sarah Palin
HOLLYWOOD - Italian Judge Bruno Tonioli said on a recent Dancing With The Stars that former Speaker of the House Tom DeLay is crazier than Sarah Palin. Tonioli made the statement after seeing DeLay burning up the dance floor with his unbelievably...
Read full storyMajor Hollywood Movie Studio Replaces Their Lion Mascot With A Woodchuck Mascot
HOLLYWOOD - MGM has announced that they are replacing their Leo the Lion studio logo mascot. Leo has been MGM's mascot since 1916. He had gone through several lion generations in his colorful 93 year history but due to the sagging economy and dwin...
Read full storyGlenn Beck's Boiled Frog Incident Blamed On Chronic Dry Eye Condition
Washington, DC - "Glenn just didn't see that it was a live frog he grabbed out of the tank and tossed into a pot of boiling water," said a co-producer of the Glenn Beck TV show at a press conference called to explain Glenn Beck's actions that so shoc...
Read full storySeatbelts Cause Decline in Family Discipline
Detroit - Researchers here have concluded that since the advent of the use of seatbelts in the early sixties traffic related fatalities have declined appreciably along with family discipline. Sociologists have long attributed the decline in famil...
Read full story