After weeks of controversy, doctors at the Heimlich Institute in Basle, Switzerland, have confirmed that Manchester United is 'inter-gender'.
It was suggested some weeks ago by observers that the football team, despite playing in the men's professional league in England, exhibited neither male nor female characteristics. Manager Alex Ferguson vociferously denied the claims. 'Manchester United has a right to privacy. No-one should be allowed to look into her player tunnels and poke about willy-nilly'.
However, tests have proved that Manchester United, an abstract concept, has neither gender and is, technically, 'neutral'. It is unclear at this stage whether the news will affect the team's ability to play in the Champions League, which is open only to male teams.
'We are looking into it,' said a spokesperson for FIFA, 'but it is highly unusual. Like when a dude wears a wig, but, like, it doesn't look like hair. So why bother? I'm totally like WTF??!!'
Manchester United will continue with their fixtures against other clubs until clarification. Today, they turn out against Mr. Stoke City, while Miss Chelsea entertains Mr. Wigan with an afternoon of attending art galleries, followed by a late supper at the Connaught, with a visit to Mr. Wigan's private club in Kensington afterwards. Then, who knows? But all London is a-flutter with the match, and Miss Chelsea, who debuted last Spring, will be looking to use her ample charms and considerable wit in the enticement of the dashing Wigan, whose not considerable fortune and agreeable means would turn the heads of many a fashionable woman whose capabilities were set towards advancement.