X Factor Judges talk Shit - it's official!
Chronic Masturbators around the UK are in uproar today, after Cheryl Cole and Daniiiiii Minogue accused flibberty-gibbets and strumpets "Kandy Rain" of being too shameless, slutty and getting their minges out on Saturday's X factor. The idiot-chil...
Read full storyHuman food best food for your dog and cat
Denver, CO - According to my source, Mary Anibalcay, edible human food can be very good for your pet. Fa get about store-bought food, and just think "food" -- think human food . Tons of pet owners fear feeding felines, for example, anything but pe...
Read full storyBonkettes Blow Sydney With The Full Inch
Wow! They did it again! Earlier this evening the sexiest girl band on the planet, the Bonkettes, rocked the socks off Sydney with a mind-blowing show at the legendary Sydney Opera House. Some critics wondered if the girls could possibly recover fr...
Read full storyThe KKK Is Now Accepting Black Members
WHITE POWDER, Mississippi - The Ku Klux Klan's exalted Grand Wizard Dragon Nathan Bedford Bamboodle, 51, (Mississippi chapter) has told the biased media that the national KKK organization is in deep deer do-do due to the economic crisis. Bamboodle...
Read full storyGorillas Stage Rooftop Protest At Palace Of Westminster
An estimated 47 Rwandan lowland silverback gorillas today stormed the Palace of Westminster to protest against climate change. The gorillas reached the roof and got up to lots of gorilla malarkey, such as throwing down turds on watching policemen...
Read full storyPope canonizes Obama - calls him a real saint
THE VATICAN - Pope Benedict added 5 new saints to the Catholic Saints roster on Sunday then before he rested he added one more name to the list - that of US President Barack Obama. The Pope said he got the idea to include Obama's name after canoni...
Read full storyMrs. Dorothy Smith of Torbay awarded Nobel Peace Prize
In a surprise move today, the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Mrs. Dorothy Smith of Torbay, Devon, England. Speaking from the garden in front of the white-stoned hotel she runs with her husband Alfred, Mrs. Smith graciously thanked the judge...
Read full storyDonald Trump Patents Golf Club
Think Big and Kick Ass self-made multi-billionaire Donald Trump has successfully patented the golf club. On hearing the news Donald Trump immediately assigned the patent rights to DT Golfing Enterprises, located in South Ossetia, a region now us...
Read full storyEU Official Confused by Democracy
A new exhibition opened yesterday at the European Commission in Brussels charting the progress of democracy on the continent since the year 1900. "Essentially it charts the way in which national and international institutions have become more acco...
Read full storyAs A Result of Obama's Peace Prize, California Has Suddenly 'Gone Sweden'
Sacramento, CA - In a new development that has environmentalists, sociologists and linguists puzzled the world over, California has suddenly 'gone Sweden' as water turns to aquavit, people have become more pacifist and Governor Schwarzenegger's accen...
Read full storyTony Romo Blames Jessica Simpson's Breasts for Poor Performance, Fumbling Snaps, and 'Incompletions!"
Dallas,TX/ Broke Back Mountain Quarterback News - The Cowboy's 'aw shucks' quarterback, Tony Romo, with T.O. gone, and Jessica Simpson abandoned in a PETA shelter the day before her 29th birthday, is still blaming his former bad luck charm for less t...
Read full storyThe Fonz Arrested For Stealing
Arthur Fonzarelli (a.k.a. the Fonz, a.k.a. Fonzie) was arrested for theft in Minnesota's Mall of America. 72 year old Mr. Fonzarelle was witnessed by a security guard to approach a vending machine, hit the side, and get a free drink. The Fonz has b...
Read full storyGovernor Schwarzenegger Develops Swedish Accent Overnight - Obama's Peace Prize Is Blamed
In probably the most alarming manifestation that California has 'Gone Sweden', Governor Schwarzenegger has developed a Swedish accent. According to his wife, Maria Shriver, his accent changed from Austrian to Swedish overnight. The phenomenon...
Read full storyJackson Doctor Confesses To Murder
Long time doctor and personal friend of pop idol Michael Jackson has confessed to murder this morning. Nose specialist and cosmetic surgeon, Dr. Cho Hmung, has confessed to killing Jackson's nose. "I could no longer hold it back. Achoo! Bless me.
Read full storyRetinal Tears "Perfectly Natural"- Brown Aide Says
The condition of Gordon Brown's one working eye was "no cause for concern" a No.10 spokesperson said today. "It's perfectly natural for a person in a leadership position to shed a few tears now and again. Margaret Thatcher did it, Tony Blair did...
Read full storyUK Obssessed By Faeces And Ablutions
Researchers at the University Of Chicago (South Side) have recently unveiled the results of years of research into the 'unique' British sense of humour. Professor Egon Offagin announced the results to a packed house of TV and Movie scriptwriters a...
Read full storyMoon People Celebrate Death of Wicked Witch
Lunar Base One-The people of the Moon are celebrating the unexpected death of a evil citizen whom some described as a "wicked witch". A Volkswagen-sized piece of machinery fell from the sky and crushed her as she was tormenting her diminutive fellow...
Read full storyEuropean Union to Ground Witches
In its wisdom, the European Union have written some legislation which is forcing witches to file a flight plan before September 30th - a whole month before their favourite night, so that they can know where each and every individual crone will be any...
Read full storyGordon Denies claiming £50,000 Panda on expenses
Gordon Brown has denied buying a Chinese Panda bear for £50,000 and then claiming it back on expenses. He said he didn't even mean to buy the panda. He says he only wanted to sponsor a penguin at Edinburgh zoo but, due to his failing eye site he got the two mixed up. "Its very easily done" said his spokesperson. "They are both the same colour and they hang out in the same places" "Really...
Read full storyThe British Connection - Mafia Ring Probed
After a morning of dramatic dawn raids across the UK, Scotland Yard's top detective, Mycroft Holmes confirmed that the mafia had taken root in the UK. Reputed mafia kingpin, Don Il Jaggedoni, formerly of south east London, was taken away in a poli...
Read full storyNever, ever upset Liverpool Football Club, Michael Owen!
Earlier this week Micheal Owen, the former Liverpool player in praising Sir Alex Ferguson, added life at Old Trafford was "everything you would expect of a top team, probably the biggest club in the world". Straight away, Michael Owen has put his...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Says She Received An Email From Roman Polanski
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Miley Cyrus has confessed to one of her best friends Tiffany Tiffacaloochi that she has received an email from Roman Polanski. The Tiffster, as her high school PE teacher calls her, asked Miley who the heck Roman Polanski is. Mil...
Read full storyCheney, Inspired By Successful 'Iron Man' Movie, Creates His Own Super Hero
Inspired by the success and the popularity of Marvel Comics 'Iron Man' movie series, Dick Cheney has decided to use the millions he gathered during his tenure as the head of Halliburton and as the shadow head of the United States of America to reinve...
Read full storyObama "Wurst President Ever" - Glenn Beck Momentarily Ecstatic
There was no room for doubt at the annual meeting of the Premium Sausage Makers Association of America held this year in Madison, Wisconsin. "Sales of our products to the White House have increased 400% since January 20", one DC-based delegate said.
Read full storyNine Lies in Gore's ' An Inconvenient Truth' Go Unanswered as 500 Journalists Freeze Their Arse Off During Global Warming Conference in Madison, WI!
Madison, WI/ Special from the Weather Channel/ Disaster Update w/Jim Cantori - On what was supposed to be just another balmy October day in picturesque Madison, Wisconsin, 500 environmental Journalists huddled together as temperatures plunged to 25 d...
Read full story2012, Lack Of Passing Obama Health Care Bill, Not End Of The World, Says Mayan
Apolinario Chili Predixion says that he is tired of being bombarded with wild frantic questions about the Mayan calendar supposedly "running out" on Dec. 21, 2012, and President Obam's health care bill not being passed. After all, it's not the end o...
Read full storyWisconsin Kid Mugged For Wearing Brett Favre Viking Costume On Halloween.
Gregory Tearny of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin encountered towering difficulties going trick or treating Halloween night when his mother made the lame-brained decision of buying him a Brett Favre Viking costume. Unfortunately, the proud, Packer backing neig...
Read full storySpace clown is kicked into orbit by fellow astronauts fed up with his "clowning around space antics"
Multi- Billionaire Space clown Guy Laliberte has been booted out into orbit after fellow astronauts got sick to death of his "Orbital clowning around" in the space station ISS! Guy paid ca. $50 million for the pleasure of galactic entertaining his...
Read full storyObama Bends Over, Reaches Out To The Gay Community
Recent conservative attacks on some of President Obama's gay nominees could temper the impatience the gay and lesbian leaders and activists showed as he spoke to a major gay civil rights group Saturday night, but the widespread restlessness still is...
Read full storyLetterman loses voice
David Letterman has partially lost his voice. When asked about this he said: "fsdddddddddd fj dj dj wk foie ewo q fe fpepq rweo ewor rweu reer ere reihadsexwithmystaffsad safffdouisffduiof duiofiousduoif uiosdfandithinkilikeditds fudsfsidfsudsio...
Read full storyObama 'Not A Shagger' - Official
Barack Obama is 'Not a Shagger', according to the Association of Presidential Stereotypes, said an official today. "We divide Republicans into two categories, Crooks or Buffoons and the Democrats into Shaggers or Nice Guys. Obama is now only the s...
Read full storyDistraction in Dnipropetrovsk: Erin Andrews Forgets to Turn Off Helmet Cam During Locker Room Shower Interviews!
Dnipropetrousk/Ukraine - US soccer fans got more than they bargained for last night as striking Peep Hole Princess, Erin Andrews, new ESPN late night soccer co anchor, forgot to turn her helmet cam off following England's shocking 1-0 loss on a bloo...
Read full storyLord Ron Paul in £38,000 expenses swindle
London - (Cash-for-Plonkers): Prime Monster Gorgon Brown's top House of Lords cheerleader Lord 'Ron' Paul is being probed about a £38,000 expenses scam. Paul, 69, claimed the money for maintaining a bijou Westmonster apartment in a plush portered...
Read full storyNapoli's Pizza baker, Bollacka O-Mama, wins "Nobelli Pizza Prize" on a Norwegian oil rig and pukes!
Napoli's most famous pizza baker, Bollacka O-Mama, has just won the world's most coveted and very prestigious "Nobelli Pizza Prize" on a Norwegian oil Rig middle in the North Sea! The prize was handed over by Exon's blond, buxom, pigtailed, Viking...
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden killed by moon men!
Moon. 31 October 2099 - Osama Bin Laden, our world hero, has been killed by the moon men who planned to destroy NASA. He was armed with numerous weapons of mass destruction, including Chuck Norris and a Palin09 Rifle. David Letterman said it was...
Read full storyOsama plans to save planet, NASA and FOX
The world's most loved man, Osama Bin Laden, has announced that he plans to save the planet from moon creatures who want revenge on NASA for blowing up their internet, their fun and 18andover.web This comes as a shock to everyone, especially David...
Read full storyRafa Benitez on the Magic Roundabout with mither!
ANFIELD, LIVERPOOL - At the heart of the unfolding story of Liverpool Football Club's poor start is Rafa Benitez, which is also the tale of the 'Rafalution'. Many have wondered what, when and where the 'Rafalution' started, will start or has starte...
Read full storyNASA crash satellites into Winehouse in search of water
In their continuing search for water or, indeed, signs of life, NASA have crashed two unmanned craft into the surface of the singer Amy Winehouse. They hope to discover whether there is currently, or maybe has been in the past, water inside Winehous...
Read full storyOutbreak of 'Tory'itis in Witney
A small Oxfordshire town named Witney which is on the edge of the Cotswolds has this week been declared as being infected with a local Tory council. It is feared that if voters are not careful at the polling station at the next general election, this...
Read full storyMexico Bans The Traditional Running of The Bulls
AGUASCALIENTES, Mexico - Mexican President Nacho Winslow (pronounced WEENS-Lo) has just issued a presidential directive strictly prohibiting the aged old, traditional, and downright stupid practice known as 'the running of the bulls.' President Wi...
Read full storySelf-Charging Car - a British Thirst
A new electric car manufacturer "Electric Cars" (trademark applied for) has developed an electric car that runs on nuclear batteries. Spokesperson Ophelia Bumgardner commented, "This car avoids the inconvenience of looking for a recharge socket".
Read full storyRoman Polanski's Lawyer Fears If RoPo Is Not Released, He May Start Eating Himself
ZURICH, Switzerland - Roman Polanski's court-appointed Swiss attorney Burgdorf Zingen has informed the news media that he is afraid that if his client in not released on bail, and soon, Polanski may start eating himself in protest. Zingen, said th...
Read full storyNASA to Fire Probe at Michelle Obama's Ass
Kennedy Space Center - Stinging from a failed attempt to shoot a bomb at the moon to detect signs of water last week NASA scientists today announced plans to shoot an unmanned space probe at Michelle Obama's ass to search for signs of cellulite. S...
Read full storyDavid Letterman Cancels His Talk Show's Christmas Party
NEW YORK CITY - The owner of the catering company that every year caters The Late Show with David Letterman Christmas Party has just stated that Letterman called him up and told him that he has cancelled this year's traditional festive event. Myro...
Read full storyElvis Appears at an Environmentalist Meeting
Fairbanks AK: A tall thin older gentleman with long white hair, wearing a blue parka bedecked with rhinestones, carrying a "Teddy Bear" showed up at an environmentalist protest meeting here. He looked vaguely familiar to the assembled throng, which g...
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