Credits to Obama for Credit Card Reforms
Good news! America's credit card-assisted President, Barrack Obama, is set to change the credit card system and protect credit card holders. This is the dawn of American democracy redefined as a government of credit card holders, by credit card holders, for credit card holders! "Americans know that they have a responsibility to live within their means and pay what they owe," Mr. Obama said. "Bu...
Read full storyObama to Shape Up Credit Card
Good news, America's credit card-assisted President, Barack Obama is set to change the credit card system and protect credit card holders. This is the dawn of American democracy redefined as a government of credit card holders, by credit card holders...
Read full storyMass suicides when Hillary Clinton visited Iraq
When US Secretary of State Hillary 'Sherpa' Clinton arrived in Iraq last week, hundreds of people there committed suicide rather than having to hear, let alone see, the former President's baggage. As the baggage passed through customs in Baghdad, thr...
Read full storySwine Flu, Experiments Linked To Roswell
Are thousands of people with the swine flu being held in Roswell, New Mexico, many are wanting to know? Although they deny it, just as they did in the 1940's, the Obama administration is denying anything mysterious is going on in Roswell. But seve...
Read full storyBGT's Shaun Smith Assaulted By Crazy Man
He wowed everybody with his impeccable interpretation of classic soul song 'Ain't No Sunshine' and had the judges positively salivating, but for young rugby player Shaun Smith, it was the start of a nightmare. As the jubilant youngster returned to...
Read full storyAnn Coulter attacks Philadelphia man who lost wife, daughter to swine flu
PHILADELPHIA, PA - At a press conference in a Philadelphia Airport hotel Friday, Ann Coulter shrugged off the raging swine flu epidemic as a "sham" and a "liberal hoax." Coulter had just arrived in the City of Brotherly Love to promote her latest...
Read full storyBGT - Waiter Sends Boss Obscene Text After Wowing Judges
In a show dominated by strippers, belly dancers and crap singers Britain's Got Talent partially redeemed itself when a young man named Greg Pritchard took the stage, looking every inch the rock icon. Introducing himself as a hotel waiter, Greg wen...
Read full storyBGT - Flatulist Given Bum's Rush
Britain's Got Talent got off to a spectacular start this evening with an act who called himself Mr Methane and described himself as a flatulist. Which basically means that he farts tunes. Out of his arse. A bit like the old time French entertainer...
Read full storyLeeds v. Millwall Could Be Decided By A Fight
West Yorkshire police have confirmed in a statement tonight, a cancellation of all staff leave in preparation for the second leg of the League One play-off between Leeds United and Millwall at Elland Road on Wednesday night, after it emerged that, if...
Read full storyHealth and Safety Executive condemn Paris Hilton
Following their recent visit, the Health and Safety Executive have comdemned Paris Hilton. Speaking at a press conference following their deliberations, the members of the executive said there was no other action they could take. They confirmed...
Read full storyPolice Arrest 200 Fat Ladies Outside KC Stadium
Humberside Police have tonight confirmed that they have made more than 200 arrests outside the KC Stadium, home of Hull City, and that all of those detained were fat women. Hull lost 2-1 to Stoke City this afternoon, and are now in real danger of...
Read full storyObama's Borat fears for Fright House Correspondents' Association dinner
Washington AC/DC - (ReUterus & Kazakhstani Ass Mess): President Obama's security detail has warned that a low-life comedian masquerading as the President might make a prankster infiltration of tonight's eagerly awaited White House Co-respondents'...
Read full storyRoyal doping scandal as Queen's Trojan Whorse fails piss test
Windsor Castle - (Thoroughbred Ass Mess): A suspected House of Ratzinger mole was been caught red-handed after failing to provide a clean urine sample ahead of the Epsom Derby. Codenamed Moonlit Bath the royal nightmare was supposed to have run a...
Read full storyAmnesty International still top global terror group NATO warns
NATO HQ, Brussels - (Big Oil Ass Mess): NATO has issued its sternest warning yet that sinister human frights group Amnesty International's acquisition of Chevron Corp stock was a cynical bankrolling by mobster cabals behind the 9/11 cover-up. The...
Read full storyThird Secret of Fatima: Vatican's May 13th copycat shooting fears
Holy Land - (Holy Ass Mess): Vatican security staff are warning the Pope of a likely copycat shooting attempt on this Wednesday's 28th anniversary of Pope John Paul II's brush with an assassin's bullet. Pope Benedict is on a five day Communion win...
Read full storyPhil Woolarse pantyliner bill taking the piss?
London - (Parliamentary Ass Mess): Ghurkas Minister Phil Woolarse was accused of taking the piss this weekend after his published expenses bill showed claims for more than a thousand pounds per annum on 'Tenner Lady' pantyliners. The Immigration M...
Read full story"Furious" Obama Fires Caldera for Skipping Photo-Shop Tutorial
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Proclaiming himself "furious," President Obama fired Louis Caldera, the now-infamous White House official who gave the thumbs-up for a low altitude flyover of New York City by Air Force One. The April 27 incident, which reminded...
Read full story"Fowl" Kentucky, Missouri weather blamed on Oprah
ST. LOUIS, MO - Many Missouri and Kentucky residents suffered severe injuries Friday night when the reigning Queen of Media waved her arms, causing heavy showers of chicken wings to fall across much of the area. The line of storms was accompanied...
Read full storyMan with World's Largest Penis and Woman with World's Largest Vagina Axed to "Keep Kids Quiet"
DETROIT, MI - Today, the man with the world's largest penis and the woman with the world's largest vagina were axed to "keep [their] damn kids quiet." "I been axin' you all morning to shet up them damn kids!" shouted Roni Witherspoon, 28, a downst...
Read full storyThe Sikh Police Seek Bulletproof Turbans
The British Sikh Police Association would like to see bulletproof turbans developed so that they can serve as firearms officers, because, at present, their religion prevents them from removing their turbans in order to carry out such a task. Howev...
Read full storyJoanna is the new Maggie
Actress, campaigner and British icon, Joanna Lumley is taking over the mantle of 'The Iron Lady' from former British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. After publicly humiliating Immigration Minister, Phil Woolies over his refusal to let Burkhas s...
Read full storyCosmetics company invents ANOTHER stupid new word
A poncy cosmetic giant has invented ANOTHER daftly pronounced product. Annoying adverts starring posh celeb's telling us how we "are worth it", and adding random vowels and French accents to words in order to make them sound better than they reall...
Read full storyMinsters husband swaps porn for pets
Home Secretary, Jaquie Smith has revealed that her husband has bought a new pet in an attempt to take his mind off watching porn and then claiming the cost on MP's expenses. Asked to comment as she visited a holiday camp for rapists and murderers...
Read full storyKirstie Alley, Oprah Winfrey to lift Earth using giant lever
SYRACUSE, SICILY- Sometimes extreme situations call for drastic measures. With human activity gradually warming the planet, threatening the survival of our species, Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey will reportedly move the Earth into an orbit slightl...
Read full storyQ&A : MPs' expenses
What does The Telegraph say? The newspaper has published some of the most controversial type of MPs' expenses. Among them are Gordon Brown's £65,776 cleaning bill over three months, which was paid to his cat - Downing Street says as the cat's litter is so expensive, and Tiddles spends 12 hours a day washing itself, the money was to reimburse it for costs. And Alastair Darling's £13,332 claim...
Read full storyDial-A-Goat
Dial-A-Goat I must apologiise for the rather unusual approach but I have an idea for what I feel would be a very viable business but I am short of funds and wondered if there was any astute entrepreneurs out there willing to risk an investment? About Dial-A-Goat.. As the name suggests Dial-A-Goat is a service whereby one telephones a premium rate line and a goat is delivered direct to th...
Read full storyDolly Parton Recieves Her Ph D DD
KNOXVILLE, Tennessee - Country music icon Dolly Parton has just received an Honorary Ph D Doctorate Degree of Humane and Musical Letters from the University of Tennessee located at Knoxville. Dolly, 63, and 40-DD, was introduced at the graduation...
Read full storyDemocrats to Close GITMO, Terrorists Will Be in Charge of Munitions Disposal and 4th of July Fireworks Displays
President Obama will close Guantanamo Bay Home for Wayward terrorists. When asked where he will place the dangerous culprits who have not been charged or convicted of any crime whatsoever, Obama and his Demo conspirators were initially silent. R...
Read full storyArsene gives up on youth strategy
As Arsenal supporters contemplate another successful season by coming last in the big four race and winning the lesbian version of the FA Cup, it appears Arsene Wenger is planning some changes. Abandoning his much vaunted policy of only buying pla...
Read full storyCalifornia May Be Put Up For Sale
SACRAMENTO - The California Legislature has just announced that if the state does not receive $23 billion by July, it will go bankrupt. The state of California has hired one of the top legislative analytical firms in the United States, The Cornhus...
Read full storyManny Maniac Ramirez's Fifty Game Suspension is Really a Maternity Leave
Former Red Sux slugger and present suspended LaLa Land Artless Dodger, Manny Ramirez has tested positive for a Female fertility drug. Human Chorionic Gonadotropin is a medication given to help women conceive. It is also a drug therapy provided to ste...
Read full storyMelissa Rivers To Star In "The Wasilla Hillbillies"
HOLLYWOOD - Melissa Rivers has just been signed to star as Governor Sarah Palin in the upcoming MGM movie, The Wasilla Hillbillies. Movie director Ramsey Filettino has said that the movie is loosely based on Governor Sarah Palin's family. He sa...
Read full storyArchibald Bunker, 87, Had Dropped First F-Bomb of WWII
New York City, NY.-The first man to drop the F-bomb during World War 2 has died. Archibald bunker, Archie to his friends and family, died Thursday, April 23rd at the age of 87. "It was during the original Japanese assault on the Hawaiian Islands.
Read full storyHillary Still Having Nightmares About Made-Up Bosnian Story
Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton says she still has nightmares about the awesome event that she made up happening to her in Bosnia in 1995. "It seems just like it was yesterday", says Clinton, her voice a little shaky. "I can still hear...
Read full storyOpen Letter to President Cleveland Asking Him to Reconsider the Digital TV Transition
Dear President Cleveland, I type you this letter from my humble home, and using the same typewriter that my mother used to type her request that my little brother not join the fight against those dirty Nazi's. Oh how we seem to have forgotten the simple things in life, like typewriters, percolator coffee makers, beaver fur coats, and analog television. Tis the latter that brings this letter...
Read full storyIs Tory nutjob David Cameron spiking local badass smackheads' rations?
London - (Narcotics Synonymous Mess): A spate of celeb junkie 'overdose' deaths within a mile radius of Sir Oswald Mosley great-nephew David Cameron's Notting Hill home has put the kybosh up the local Drug Squad's homicide theories. This week's su...
Read full storyStudent In Urn Voted As "Most-Changed" At The Booger High Reunion
Billy "William" Ray Keats was voted "most changed" by his former classmates last night at their 30th reunion at the Booger Green Mall. Keats, carried in by his Uncle Rastus was an obvious choice, being now only a pile of ashes. Never-the-less several of his old buddies took turns having their pictures taken with his urn. "I think William would have liked all this publicity" stated his Uncle...
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